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Mornings with you are so gentle.
Soft sheets
Soft arms
I look over,
That beauty on my pillow
A soft kiss
But nothing soft about this love.
Light streams through the windows
That sweet ocean breeze
Ripples the curtains
Kisses our skin
Let’s the ocean say good morning.
Right around the corner
I’ll make a cup of fat bombed coffee,
Just the way you like it.
Come back with a stain on your t-shirt..
Didn’t need to wear it anyway.
What do you want to do today?
Stay
Let the energy from the night linger a little longer
Play with your hands
Sleep on your chest
Run through the waves
Dance in the kitchen
Fried eggs and bacon.
When we’re out to dinner
It’s someplace new,
We wandered barefoot to get there.
Big steaks
Bigger smiles
Back home
Back in bed
Back to square one.
I can’t help but want you the same way the ocean reaches for the shore.
The way the rain begs to fall,
The sun needs to shine,
The words thirst to be read.
You’re looking at my eyes, but I’m looking at your lips.
When you kissed me the first time
It was like you kissed the hell out of me,
Literally.
I was a liability,
A wrecked one,
before you.
Carrying my hurt alone
Was oh so painful.
But the moment I met you,
You took away the weight
Like magic in your heart,
A baptism in your eyes.
You helped me heal the pain by not creating more,
You gave me the love I never got.
You wrapped my wounds
And kissed each of my scars.
I was scared to fall in love
Scared to be touched,
Scared to be hurt.
But I’ve never been as safe as I am with your arms tangled around me.
You are truly the first, and only love of my life.
And you will always be my home.
I love you, bug.
My heart is shattered.
Everything inside of me is violently churning and I, I am not ok.
I want to die, but I've had to many bouts of suicide that I'm afraid of the fear and how cold and lonely it is when you try.
I wish I succeeded, but it didn't.
And now I wish someone would just shoot me or wreck me in my car, but it's hard to ask someone to **** you.
Funny when you don't want to die, the worst happens.
But when you do, no one will put you out of your misery.
I start college again in 2 weeks, I dropped out last fall.
Now I have a packed suitcase and I plan to get a visa and leave the country,
I don't want to come back.
This life here is too painful,
And every sense is magnified. Sound, smell, touch, sight.
The smell of whiskey when I bite an apple.
The sound of highway sirens like when they came for me.
The sting of blood when I prepare dinner with a knife.
The sight of tall buildings where I once sat but got pulled down.
Maybe I should leave everything behind and get out of here.
If I want to die so badly, maybe I should live a little first.
Though I don't think someone will **** me no matter where I go.
Because they know life is too precious,
I just wish I felt the same.
Dec 2019 · 158
1 sheep 2 shots
Laughter bellowed out from the bottom of my lungs, but I was sober enough to hear the ring of the words “you only drink when you’re sad.”
How heartbreaking to hear that my laugh changes to the rhythm of joy and my sorrow turns to beaming, only after 2 drinks.
I’m not a mad drunk, sad drunk, or loud drunk. I’m happy when I’m drunk.
I sit in the same spot, but the sterile home of my cold emotions matches nothing to the intoxicated state of letting my body breathe in freedom and exhale light.
The world says I should stay sober. But sober me is sad. And sad me drinks.
Where alcohol breaks down others, it builds me up. It morphs me into the person I used to be, the girl who laughed and shined so bright. But my body doesn’t feel that anymore, so at 3 am when the ache for joy comes creeping back, 1 sheep 2 sheep turns to 4 shots 5 shots, and the night comes alive as the light in me is turned on once again.
Sep 2019 · 196
Wasn't Meant To Be
How long does it take to get used to *****?
Most people say they never do,
It burns too much.
But the first time it touched this body
It went down like liquid honey
Like it’d been there many times before,
But still not enough to forget the life I loved and lost.
Sep 2019 · 127
Pills or Cuts
I can’t believe I’m back here.
I genuinely thought I was done with this.
I remember the first night I sat on the floor with a glistening blade in my hand,
I turned it back and forth,
It looked so new and unused
Just like I once did.
But soon it was covered in blood
And slipped from my hand.
I stared at myself in the mirror with tears rolling down my face,
Trying to convince myself there was another way.
Was there really no other option?
There was… one.
I felt bad for mutilating myself.
But honestly,
I’d do it again.
I wish I could.
I know it sounds silly to an outsider.
It sounds dumb and confusing and insane, actually.
Not one person I’ve told has understood.
People say they get it, but if they wouldn’t do it themselves, they do not get it.
These tears come out like acid
But get reabsorbed
And corrode everything inside of me.
This whirlwind of insanity leaves me paralyzed yet running at the speed of light in every direction crashing into everything that has ever hurt me all at once ripping every fragile piece of me to shreds and leaving nothing salvageable to remain.
So,
I cannot escape the burn
Unless I change why I’m crying.
It’s no one’s fault,
It’s just a response.
A different kind of salt water pours out
Crying for my helpless heart
Instead of my hurting heart.
And the stupid thing is,
This isn’t normal at all.
It doesn’t matter if it was a person or a thing or a hope or a dream. It is what it is and the pain is unavoidable!
How do they handle it so well?
Maybe I’m just inadequate in the strength it takes to deal with your own emotions.
Because most people don’t jump to this
Or fantasize about quitting
Just when things don’t go their way.
They **** it up. Move on with life.
Grow. Challenge. Change.
But truth is
I’m so hopeless.
I’m done with school
I’ve given up on the career I thought I wanted
The life I thought I wanted
I don’t want my friends
I don’t want my family
I don’t want my job
I don’t want my city
I don’t want my country
Hell I don’t even want this world sometimes.
I can’t sit here and pretend everything is okay.
Smile to those who helped me before and tell them things are getting better.
I’m not hurting myself anymore, I’m okay.
I moved out, I’m okay.
I can’t even be around the people who are closest to me.
I make excuses as to why I’m busy
“Let’s try next week”
That’ll give me time to come up with another one.
Every day I wake up and focus on what's in front of me
But I’m still living with this internal countdown
This clock that won’t reveal its hour
But reminds me it’s just a matter of time
Till the batteries stop moving the hands.
Please
Stop telling me I’m fine.
Stop telling me it’s time for me to go into the world and shine.
Stop telling me I’m going to do great things.
Stop telling me I’m healing now because I’m free.
Stop.
Stop stop stop stop stop.
I never needed to escape them.
I’ve always needed to escape me.
They didn’t break me,
I’m still trapped in exactly the same cage now that I’m out.
They go without a single thought in my mind
Because they were barely ever in there beforehand.
Sometimes that cloud goes away
But there seems to only be a certain anecdote
To make the sun stay
But it’s just one bottle
And I guzzled it so fast
I didn’t have any time to enjoy it before it passed.

I really think I need some type of fix.
They know the cure to cancer..
But they won’t let the patients have it.
So they drug ‘em up instead,
If thats the case,
Now it’s my turn.
I’ll need something strong
To fix all the **** wrong in my brain
That nothing else will heal
So hopefully I can make it to another country
Instead of the bottom of the Pacific
Cause I’ll tell ya what
I can’t do it here.
There are no amount of beach days or Sundays or fun things to get me through this now.
So what pill should I take?
The ***** on the shelf is waiting.
Aug 2019 · 165
A b o u t L a s t N i g h t
****
I am exploding
If I was on a roof top
I swear I’d jump
Right now
Only if it was tall enough
I don’t want any chance to survive
I’ve never been so unsettled
I’ve never been so SCARED
I can’t be around myself
I can’t even breathe in air
I lie every ******* TIME someone asks if I’m okay
We get it, it’s a mask
But tonight
IT WASN’t mE THAT ANSWERED THAT
God help me what IS THIS
There has never been a night I’ve been less ok
I am not safe to be with me !
Can you hear the chaos in my WORDS?
I’m a mess I can’t sleep I can’t BREATHE
There’s demons running around everywhere inside me
I wish they would just **** ME and get it over with so I’m not dying this slow painful death
God I can’t stop shaking
This tap tap tapping is ******* me off
My eyelids are blinking a million times a minute
My brain is literal mush
I don’t want to drink anymore
I don’t want to cut anyone
What in the HELL DO I DO
Aug 2019 · 690
Help Myself?
My chest hurts
Like daggers in every rib.
But even more than that
My soul
is crying.
My soul,
It’s d
        y
          i
           n
             g.
I know no other fate than to bleed
Though I am surrounded by people who filter my life
With love.
With grace
With hope.

They stand ready to fight my battles
Armed by my side
Hand in hand
Just a call away.

But it’s hard to see them
It’s hard to care
When I’m on the battleground
In the war that is defeating me.

It’s hard to reach out
When I’ve reached out a million times.
And I should be getting better
But is it fair to throw my pain on them every night?

My soul was on fire
Not with life
Not with joy
But with a slow burn
Of pain and despair
That widdled my heart to ash.

A battleground my mind once was,
Chaos that shot agony through my head
A thousand miles an hour.

It’s almost quiet now
But I can almost see the blackness,
Hear the silence,
Feel the void.

And when you feel so empty
And the smallest flutters of feelings appear,
But they come to crush you,
Not to save you...
The darkness,
The silence,
The void,
They become real.
And the blood drips down my arm.

I do not understand why I am like this
When I am getting help
When there is hope
When this “will not last forever.”
I made the decision to stay alive
So the pain would not disperse
But now I suppose
My choice may be overridden
If the pain that is trapped inside
Decides to **** me.
My body is already decaying on its own
But now I am helping it.
Why am I helping it?

I believed that talking would help
That hugs would help
That being honest would help
That showing my hurt would help.

I do not understand
How it feels like a disaster is tearing me apart
But I am getting stronger
Not in healing
But in keeping it all inside.

I’m not that honest anymore.
I pretend that I’m healing
So they will still have hope in me.
But in reality
I can’t speak
Even though I want to scream for help.
But I don’t know what I would ask for
I don’t think there is anything I could ask for.

So I remain wondering
Why do I want help,
If I try to stay hidden?
Why do I want to speak,
If I always hold my tongue?
Why do I hold my tears,
If I just want them to see me cry?
Why do I tell them I’m better,
When sometimes I still feel like dying?

I want to ask
To please keep me in mind
But that never healed me
And I know you are busy.

So I count down the days
The number until I see someone next
But it doesn’t matter much anyway
Because I will be faking a smile
And when you ask me “how are you?”
I will reply
“Good!”
Because I know they have things to do
And I know my sorrow takes time.
I understand it is annoying
To always hear I’m in darkness
So I tell you I’m in light
But God help me!
I am dying inside!
Don’t you know that?
Can’t you know without me saying so?
No.
Because even if I did
You still would not understand.
You still would not know.

This is not a joke.
This is not a game.
This is not an exaggeration.
But when I hide it so well
And speak it so darkly
I understand how it may seem so.
But trust me
You have not seen the sleepless nights
Shuddered awake with terror
Shaking like drunk cold chills
Tears pouring like a C5 hurricane
And the pain?
Well, I can’t describe it any other way
Than my body dying.

But tell me now,
Is the blood that exits my skin
That drips down to hell
Scars as a sticky note
To remind me forever,
Is that blood
Real enough?

I am supposed to help myself.
To help myself heal.
To help myself grow.
To help myself find joy
And life
And purpose
And hope.
But don’t you see,
I am helping myself?

I am hurting myself
But as my body dies
In the dark of the night
And I let it leave a little quicker
I am helping myself.
It’s the only way I know how to,
Even if it may not last forever.
Aug 2019 · 335
W h a t e v e r
6 muffins down
Binging is my new toy
Sliced butter
Guess it’s better than
Sliced skin
Aug 2019 · 147
S i n k i n g
There’s a storm on the beach today.
The air is cold,
But not colder than me.
The waves are violent,
But not as destructive as my mind.
Theres chaos in the sky,
But I, am in far more turmoil.
It’s looks dangerous out at sea,
Most stay back,
Others are beginning to leave.
But me, no,
No.
I’m drawn in.
I want to walk straight into the icy current
Pounded by the angry waves
And sink under the earths rage.
Because after all, it feels like home.
On the outside,
most people see a sunny day.
So sunny, the umbrellas crowd the view of the gentle waters and warm air.
But inside,
I am a riptide in a hurricane.
And sinking,
It feels like home.
Aug 2019 · 376
N o t T o d a y
I almost drowned the other day.
Walked out into the ocean
Dodging jellyfish
Jumping waves
Turned around and smiled at my family.
But really
I planned on sinking.
Going under one wave
And not coming back up.
But my dad came out and joined me.
And I died a little more
Knowing it was not going to be today.
It sits in my stomach like a pile of rocks,
chases the beats of my heart until it feels like it might stop,
electrocutes my blood and shoots lightning through my bones,
pours gunpowder on my lungs after a shot right to the chest,  
and inside my shaking limbs
and numbing skin,
my insides are spinning,
an earthquake has just begun.
It grips me
tighter than my hands clasped together,
every muscle straining, every fiber tensed,
and waits,
sharper than teeth clenching on the flesh of what’s left of my humanity,
it waits,
to tear me apart.

In public spaces,
the crowds and faces
squeeze the life out of me.
Watered-down pain,
my teeth make an appearance,
the forced laugh exhales deeply but fails to inhale again.
Its bubbling up, it wants to escape
I don't know how long I can hold it
I'm not that strong
I want control over it
But it consumes me.
I count to three
tell myself I’m okay
“You’re fine
You’re fine
You’re fine”
Still, I can barely breathe.
My eyes I cannot tame,
I hold them back but they betray me,
So I swallow all I can,
engulfing my energy
until I’m able to leave.
In the quiet
I sink in my pillow,
Like a ship at sea caught in a storm,
Filling with rain.
My hand grips over my mouth
I’m quieter than a mouse
The windows are open and crickets are chirping,
and my head tries to disassemble the bomb
alleviate the pressure
of silent breathless screams,
before it explodes.

After the war
My eyes are ****** and burn
and I curl up in a ball
wrap myself tight
let the fan that swirls slower than my pain
dry my eyes
steady my shaking
remind me to take in the air it circulates
when I stop breathing,
when I’m limp and weak and still,
It whispers “shhh”
and lullabies me to sleep.
The sleep won’t last
and I jolt awake with nausea so strong
stomach still churning
head still spinning
chest still hosting a circus
but I am still curled up
the fan still singing.
It rains a little more
until I drift under
to be reminded again the next hour.

Sometimes I think
how peaceful it would be
to have that powerful silence:
my cells would stop dividing
brain would stop lying
I would stop denying
what I truly want
but
this is just a reckless fantasy
a way to elude one’s own reality
because there are those who care for me more
cherish me more
love me more
so I choose not the silence of rest
but the silence of war.
I will keep fighting my war
so no war is created
because of me.
Aug 2019 · 110
I G e t I t
I haven’t been honest about the way I truly feel.
It used to be so overwhelming
That all I could do was speak
Show my tears
Pour out words
Like ***** poured in my empty stomach
Show my battles
No walls surrounding
No fortress built up
Exposed and hopeful of healing.
But now
It is all so overwhelming
That all of it is trapped inside.
I am not controlling it,
Taming it,
Restraining it.
Rather it is,
To me.
I never used to understand
Why people cut themselves.
It seemed so pointless.
If you’re in pain,
Why do you want to be in even more?
I thought it might be a diversion,
Like coating your organs
With poisonous liquid
Just to feel something else
(Anything else)
Even if it is just as bad.
But those scars are permanent
Dangerous
They couldn’t possibly…
Couldn’t possibly hurt less than the hurt inside.
But I get it now
Pleas get choked down
Memory fading
Language slipping
No words to explain this.
It’s not just forgetfulness
Or exhaustion
Or confusion.
It’s a black hole that eats you from inside
Leaves an empty void
Where feelings could once hide.
The tension takes over
builds
Builds
BUILDS
And there is no release.
It won’t let you cry
It won’t let you scream
It won’t let you talk
It won’t let you breathe.
You feel it in every part of your body
Like bones collapsing on pavement
In slow motion.
You feel all it’s effects,
Every place it shatters
Every part that it breaks.
The feeling of falling
When you step off a building
The surge in your chest
The adrenaline that’s trapped
It won’t last long,
Soon it will splat with everything else.
But it builds,
Builds,
BUILDS,
And you’re not even on the roof.
My parents used to say that depressed people
Just don’t see clearly.
Like people on drugs
People with eating disorders
People who are mentally ill,
Their judgement is clouded.
Maybe that’s true.
Maybe there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel
And they just can’t see it.
“They don’t choose to see it” or
“They’re blind but it’s their own fault.”
I don’t agree.
It’s not mad.
It’s coping.
It’s coping.
It’s coping.
It’s real pain and it’s coping.
It’s real pain.
I hate to admit
That I freeze every single time I hear a siren.
Maybe lightning struck,
Maybe a cat got stuck in a tree.
Or maybe it’s something worse,
Like the fate that never caught me.
No blood was spilled
And the alcohol didn’t **** it
My brakes never stopped working
I was always fine.
But every time I hear it
It feels like a ghost of where my body never was
But my soul went every time.
The one followed but the other stayed
One thought it should be in there
But the other was unharmed
And that confusion in itself
Was enough.
Like killing one bug in a whole infestation
I am being evicted
As they take over.
I only wish I could know how to hold
me
In.
I did not want to write this
But
It got a little out.
I just wanted to say that I understand now.
I get it.
Aug 2019 · 293
C l o s e d B l i n d s
Closed blinds
And morning breeze
I don’t want to leave here.
The sun beckons me to rise
Demanding an awakening
But I am not there yet,
Heart still heavy
From carrying grief
Eyes still burning
From drowning in acidic tears
Lungs still weak from suffocating between each breath
Throat still coarse from the cry of
“Abba please, take my life.”
If I rise,
I am sure to face it again.
And it will have its way
With my body,
Screaming and crying a horrific noise,
Falling to the floor as everything inside of me seems to shatter,
Like broken glass being crushed
all over again.
And I will wait there
Curled on the floor
Until it is done leaving its mark.
Then I will stand up
To finish the routine
Wash my face
Put on a smile
And move on with the day.
Heaviness used to find me at night
But now I arise and find
It is in my bones
And under my skin
With me every place I go.
So I would rather lay here
Silent and broken,
Defeated and unarmed
Surrendered to these bed sheets
And white walls
Than to face the fight
Against the darkness
That kills me piece by piece.
For there may come a day
When there is nothing left it can take,
And it will have all of me.
So there will be no fight today
As if being paralyzed was a choice
Under the weight of a pain
So heavy.
So I let it stay
And roll to the other side,
Away from the light
Pull the covers a little closer
Take another deep breath
Close my eyes
And wait for tomorrow.
Aug 2019 · 236
P e a c e A n d W a r
There is a peace found in warm nights
That transcends fire in the sky.
The atmosphere is painted with soft lines
With no grand entrance
Or reason to outshine,
It is peace after the storm
That reminds my heart to stop,
Rest,
Inhale,
Exhale.
After a hurricane of emotions
A tsunami of tears
I am being cleansed
The way the sky does with thunder and lightning and rain,
The only way a storm can release the tension
And let go of the pain.
In the pouring
Creation cries out peace
And each drop dances for healing
As He beckons me to do the same.
Aug 2019 · 108
Don't come inside
There’s a storm behind my eyelids
Threatening to pour,
But I wear a smile like a cement roof
Sheltering those closest from my rain
While tables and chairs
In this rickety house
Are worn by all of the dust
Of visitors who were never let in.
There is one who sits by the entrance
Waiting for an intruder
To kick down the door
As tears collect on the hardwood floor
And the closet broom feels
A thousand miles away.
Aug 2019 · 65
If I go
Promise me
Every time you catch glimpse
Of a bird in the sky
Surrounded by light  
And held by eternal love
You will think of me
Remember what was good
And know that I am free.
Aug 2019 · 396
Silence
Like a loose thread on my favorite sweater,
I couldn’t resist pulling.
My heart pounded as I held the stitching in my hand
But knowing it could unravel all around me
I grabbed the sheers
That found their way into my right side pocket
Used too often
Sharpened by cutting grief
And clipped the string
Saving my words for another day.
Aug 2019 · 381
The scars on my skin
If you really wanted to see me
Raw and exposed,
The depths of who I am,
You should’ve seen the scars on my skin.
The ones that have faded
And the ones that still bleed
The ones that healed to tell stories
And the ones that have not yet spoken.
Too fresh to be honest
Unable to preach healing when they are still wide open.
The places where pain escaped
But really got trapped deeper inside
A diversion from the real turmoil,
Sharp pain replaced worse pain.
They remind me I am still living.
I made a promise to keep it that way.
Though sometimes I do fear I will break that promise
Because I’ve broken others
And when everything turns to chaos inside of me,
I feel the pain in every part of my body.
Sometimes my mind suffocates and my lungs start to, too.
And there is no steady ground to lie down
And it feels okay to let go
Ok to leave permanent marks on my skin
Ok to leave the one permanent mark.
I love so much
God, I love so much.
But I hurt
so
much.
And there is a piece of me
That I’m striving to find,
Looking for in myself,
In the future,
In a new beginning,
But I don’t think she’s there anymore.
She wants me to reunite on the other side, So I can find her there,
Or live life without her
Always wondering what will fill that hole
Before the hole fills me.
I can’t imagine much more of this.
I pray there is no more,
I pray that I can be whole.
I’m mourning the death of myself
All the sirens that pass reignite the loss
Cut even deeper,
Because there were days those sirens were meant for me
And days I feel them coming after me.
I’m out at sea
Looking for anything to stay afloat
But what I want I can’t have,
What I need is not mine,
What I lost is nowhere to be found,
It is only what little is left
That has not let me drown.
I’m looking for my next step
And it’s not one foot in front of the other,
It is something much more.
What is it?
I should figure that out soon.

— The End —