I'm wearing a skirt on purpose
I lift my legs to rest on a pole
So that it rides up
And you touch me
You do that so well
The switch was turned on
And for me there is no off
Only completion
You rub me
Your turned on too
I can tell
My hand slips back and grazes
The graze becomes a rub
And before we know it we are bare
Our souls shown in the vulnerablity of this nudeness
Our bodies collide
I'm louder than I have been
The pounding is what I needed after all the riding I've done
I just can't help but moan
You say you love me
I love you too
I try to scratch because you like it
And I can't help myself
Eventually
We're done
And I feel closer to my soul mate than ever.

the world seems so much colder when you don't have a hand to hold.

the ceiling fan above makes me dizzy

the empty space in my bed makes me numb

having no money makes me feel stuck

sometimes I feel like there's nowhere to run


I push the thought of you to the back of my mind
And cover it up with fake laughs and smiles
Until the memory of you appears
And I remember that I'm alone


the world has less color when you don't have someone to paint it with.

the food in my mouth has no taste

the heat of this town makes me sweat

I get nervous when I hear your name

you're something I'd like to forget



I'm doing fine and enjoying life
Until your face appears
Everything changes and it's like I'm back at square one
left to face it all on my own


the world is so much lighter when all the weight isn't on your shoulders

the ticking of the clock makes my ears mad

my heart seems to skip a beat

the slow rhythm of my breathing makes me feel lifeless

vulnerablity was my defeat


I gave so much of my heart and soul
And have nothing to show for it
You seem to be doing just fine without me
I've got nowhere to go but up


the world is so ugly when you take a closer look.

the way someone can be so selfish

the way someone can just bring you down

some people just aren't worth your time

I think I gotta get out of this town

I peel my skin back
To reveal my vulnerablity
Just to find my nature is to scab.
That's not life baby;
Life is that time in between
Before you fend off the alien
And dance with what you breathe out.

We can stand in front of a mirror and stare at our own faces, examining our teeth, our smile, our tears, and the endless reflection of our own souls gazing back at us from behind our eyes and question and ponder and weigh ourselves down with questions of self worth and over burden ourselves with self loathing and stare even deeper as we realize how small our bodies are compared to a tree or our houses or the buildings we work in and then we can  compare how small all those things are compared to the size of the earth and continue down this road as we look towards how massive our sun is to the earth but how even the sun is just a spec of dust in the vast cosmos and then wonder why are we here and what is it all worth and what does it all mean and for a moment maybe we're overwhelmed and nothing makes sense and it all seems meaningless.  I've been there, standing in front of that mirror, with tears running down my face and my self worth lying and rolling in the gutter with all my self loathing and I've stood there scared and depressed and everything else that is miserable.  And I've walked away from that mirror, either out of anger or fear or when I was all out of self pity sometimes I walked away out of hope.
Life at its very worst always has the potential to get even more horribly so, there is no  bottom when things are going from bad to worse... But it always has the potential to get better too.  We may seem small and insignificant when we compare our bodies to the vast cosmos that surronds us, but the love that lives within us is its own endless universe, quite possibly even bigger than all the space that surronds us.
Its not as easy to find and sometimes maybe we feel like this internal universe has kicked us out or won't let us in or for the truly unfortunate maybe they just haven't found the door, maybe they haven't gone mad yet and maybe they never will... but that's another heart breaking story for someone else to tell.
If you're one of the fortunate ones you've already found the door and walked through it,  if you were really lucky you fell through it or came crashing through it.   You know its a beautiful place, you know its a dangerous place, you know its easier getting here than staying here.  The life line of our bodies is finite and we never know how long or short it will be.  Love however has the power and possiblity and vulnerablity to be infinite.   We don't always (or perhaps ever) get to choose how or when or why we come tumbling through that doorway.  Sometimes we're idiots and we find ourselfs here and we either hide hoping to go unseen or even worse we try to get out,  we walk back out the door willingly.  And sometimes we get lost and the door can't be found and were stuck here...
Just like standing in front of the mirror, I've been through this door a few times, sometimes scared, sometimes hopeful, and when I've been really lucky I've been stuck.
I'm lost here now and I want to stay and I think at least some small piece of my heart must have been left behind and buried under some floor boards years and years ago because somehow its all familiar and my heart feels like its found its home

I hear nothing but waves, and the air cascading around me with flecks of salt,
But i see infinite stretches of vulnerablity, it's as if i want to cradle this liquid into a glass and rock it to sleep as the waves and water do to me.
It is already the beginning of the ash mixing with the salt,
And the coral as white as the rarest of albino,
The layers of life are being heated to an extra degree,
The sun which gives us prosperity and hope beams in an angry, mocking setiment as if a child has been abused.
Which it has.
And the child protection workers are nowhere to be found.

As a family we have to admit our mistakes,
We have to strive to be better,
We need procedure, supports to at least be good enough,
We need to stop beating, abusing, and bruising.
Because our child will withdraw, our child will retaliate, and eventually fight back or destroy itself in the process.
And we will go along with it.

Burning Sensations
dose me in lighter fluid
and let my flesh be eaten away by the tormenting throbs of burns
burning
the sensation of disintegrating
the senestation of every atom being torched
let me live amoung my ashes
let me be consumed in heat

oh let me kiss you
spoiled me sincerely in your perfectness let me be
inbetween your inhale and exhale
to taste that sweetly on my tongue
and ever on for you i love

LOVE YOU TOO
and every time you say i love you too
my soul shatters into a million pieces of vulnerablity
exposing the throbbing palpatations of my heart

Im now 20,

and sympathize those in the same age category as me

----

The painful

insanely, mechanical yet dizzying push to be

--something --
titles, names, high status nothingness
Yet, we search

every corner we turn to
say
Is this it?
Security, Purpose, a treasure trove of possibility
find me - you - me - you see?
Did you land here on my lap, perfectly?

Today this is it
But, then Tomorrow blows up
Like an a unpredictable field mine.
In my precious heart, that thought it knew
it was right, right?

And this pressure crushes me
And somedays I feel so lonely

Yet, this insane pressure
To be this mold
And hold this space to be a list
And the uncertainty
Unfamiliarity
It literally crushes me
In it's silence, yet ferocious noise that pounds in my skull

The wild voice,
It drives us insane,
And drains me with this internal pain

That 'I will never be enough'

That....

--money, not enough
-- my schooling, not enough
-- my experience, not enough
-- my materials, not enough
-- my social circle, not enough


And this pain of enoughness is stuffing me with fear
So I try to turn every direction
Scattered, and seared with this
Deep insanity to grab it all

Yet, we sometimes fill ourselves with doubt
that pushes us to a dangerous, unforgiving - edgde

Yet, after being broken down by the day
vulnerablity blossoms
Honestly, I say - where do I go?

Now?

I search, plea, beg..
I grip tightly,
asking - pleading for guidance