'Tis not with gilded sabres
  That gleam in baldricks blue,
Nor nodding plumes in caps of Fez,
  Of gay and gaudy hue--
But, habited in mourning weeds,
  Come marching from afar,
By four and four, the valiant men
  Who fought with Aliatar.
All mournfully and slowly
  The afflicted warriors come,
To the deep wail of the trumpet,
  And beat of muffled drum.

The banner of the Phenix,
  The flag that loved the sky,
That scarce the wind dared wanton with,
  It flew so proud and high--
Now leaves its place in battle-field,
  And sweeps the ground in grief,
The bearer drags its glorious folds
  Behind the fallen chief,
As mournfully and slowly
  The afflicted warriors come,
To the deep wail of the trumpet,
  And beat of muffled drum.

Brave Aliatar led forward
  A hundred Moors to go
To where his brother held Motril
  Against the leaguering foe.
On horseback went the gallant Moor,
  That gallant band to lead;
And now his bier is at the gate,
  From whence he pricked his steed.
While mournfully and slowly
  The afflicted warriors come,
To the deep wail of the trumpet,
  And beat of muffled drum.

The knights of the Grand Master
  In crowded ambush lay;
They rushed upon him where the reeds
  Were thick beside the way;
They smote the valiant Aliatar,
  They smote the warrior dead,
And broken, but not beaten, were
  The gallant ranks he led.
Now mournfully and slowly
  The afflicted warriors come,
To the deep wail of the trumpet,
  And beat of muffled drum.

Oh! what was Zayda's sorrow,
  How passionate her cries!
Her lover's wounds streamed not more free
  Than that poor maiden's eyes.
Say, Love--for didst thou see her tears:
  Oh, no! he drew more tight
The blinding fillet o'er his lids
  To spare his eyes the sight.
While mournfully and slowly
  The afflicted warriors come,
To the deep wail of the trumpet,
  And beat of muffled drum.

Nor Zayda weeps him only,
  But all that dwell between
The great Alhambra's palace walls
  And springs of Albaicin.
The ladies weep the flower of knights,
  The brave the bravest here;
The people weep a champion,
  The Alcaydes a noble peer.
While mournfully and slowly
  The afflicted warriors come,
To the deep wail of the trumpet,
  And beat of muffled drum.

Yeah it's Jay, Mr. Self Saboteur,
Fill the bottle up thats what I got the bottle for,
Self fufillin' prophecies got me on the floor,
Drinkin' is the reason but it got me wantin' more,
Not a variety of sobriety when I'm shoppin' in the store,
Got me thinking what's the reason I'm coppin' all this for?
Jesus blood stains up on the sheets,
No Zzz's when I sleep,
All my cups filled up with alcoholic drinks,
So I'm up in that Anonymous,
Cup in hand, hungry hippopotamus,
Sayin' to the man, "I think we need a little Ciroc in us"
I've got a problem, why you think I'm stoppin' cuz?
My names Jay and the liquor's messin' me up,
Every night fellin' closer to Aaliyah,
Saw my reflection now I'm lookin' at the reaper,
Experiment with liquor so fill up my beaker!
Hand on the Bud Light,
******' with my love life,
Sippin' on the suds like,
Toast to the tough life!
This phenix burns,
Born in thorns with alcoholic horns,
Lookin' at the bottom of the bottle,
Askin' my self if my heart's this hollow,
What do I do? Toss it or swallow,
Well that is a problem for the Jay of tomorrow,
Tryin' to deal with the ills of my convictions,
Sippin' on the liquid of my sickenin' addiction,
Yeah ma, loosen up my inhibitions,
Binge drinkin' means no intermissions,
So welcome my beloved inebriation,
Cup to my mouth instead of conflict confrontation,
Sippin' on the liquid that is toxic to the nation,
Women gettin' twisted my ironic liberation,
If I drink too much I'ma keep it up,
Pinky finger up,
Worried my liver's not weak enough,
Speech slurred so I won't speak to much,
But my mouth's wide open talkin' greek and stuff,
Opps I made a mistake,
Trade Jack Daniels for tonights date,
Gotta live with the consequences that I hate,
Choosin' liquid over women that I try to sedate.
Seems like I'll never get them back,
Well I'll just have to find love within the cup that's in my lap,
So this is a toast to all the alcoholics,
Put up an empty cup, just a little symbolic,
Sacrifice love for a chick that's nymphonic,
And realize it was fine before the Hypnotic,
****...

He was a slow burning candle
that took years to blow out
His love came  from time and shared experiences
My love for him was built on friendship
So even when the flame
of our romance dwindled
the wax that was our friendship
remained.

But You.
You are a forest fire,
Struck by lightning.
It all started in a metter of moments
You held me and I knew
The flame was ignited
Roaring through me
burning away my griefs and disappointments
Leaving behind the ashes to a new beginning
Our beginning
You came swiftly and without warning
And like that raging forest fire
You burn bright & beautiful to me
Much like the phenix you bear,
You are my rebirth

I'm choking on my words and they swallow like bile,
like acid burns all the way down into my abdomen.
I have to say goodbye,
push you away because I am no good, I am broken and bruised,
an over ripe fruit who is only worth the compost she can become.
I don't want to, the words haven't left my throat and I already miss what we had,
I feel the gap in my chest like open wound,
like empty airless space has entered the void of me.
Not even its stars can warm what is left of me.

I am sorry.
I don't know how else to say this.
I am so sorry that you ever felt the burden of loving a wreck like me.
For a time I believed I could have been more than this,
that maybe I had phenix bones and I could make worth in the ashes of this. All I got was burning.
In the hardest way I learned that I am human and nothing more can come from this.
In part I blame you.
You made me - make me - feel as though there is more to this than the story I am reading.
The problem here is that I have always been bad at context clues and the words are beginning to fade wth age anyway.
Its immoral to blame you for my humanity but it hurts more if I acknowledge that you are better than anything I will ever deserve.


If it hurts less I want you to hate me. Hate everything I allow myself to become when I take on the monster in my mind.
Know that none of that means I will learn to not love you.
I just can't be strong enough in that love to be present when it all falls apart around me.
You should keep the happy memories, never learn the skeletons that haunt the empty walls of this closet heart.

August started out like all the other months, there had been so many
The highs and lows of many seasons
saw my pockets spent of just a penny
Saw my recollections stacked to amount to rubble,  just prized as memories
And pieces of puzzles, ill fitted together, produced gaps within my psyche
Crossroads bring me to a full stop
I'm haunted by the ghosts that linger
Pointing this way and that way, back the way I came, demanding I stand

right here

But I've been down this road before

It's littered with the pieces of me that died, and became just carrion
But like a Phenix, burning deep inside
I flicked off the ash and moved on

Singing my Swan Song

and     I       cry

Your drugs don't let me sleep at night
Your love just leaves me cold
The road I took, just last lifetime
Left me broken and bitter old

Better luck I find, on an old but familiar road, I may have walked it all before
*But I left the story untold

We are drop dripping droplets
in blue ocean Waters , fountains
We are beautiful
Like the sunset and the sunrise
Like the you that my heart longs for
Fitting like a jigsaw puzzle
I will be the Eve to ur Adam
Bond strongly like an atom
I will send petals to your roses
And we will flow like the fountain
soar like a Phenix
I will wait for our heart beats to harmonize
Then I will sing to you my Melody
I'll sing to you my song
As our fingers intertwine​, soft skin
Our breaths, mere whispers in the wind.
Just you and I.

Far from home but close to childhood.
I found a medium in child's play.
Not to far, right down the block
But far enough a couple states over
Far from home but where am I from?
Across the ocean through the sea in Germany
Over the mountains and through Tennessee to Alabama Phenix city
Over that bridge and down the road into EC where no one goes
Down the street around the corner
My child hood home I remember
Not at all  maybe a little a far  from home.

All our life, we are told to be brave. As little children, wrapped in the warm cocoons of love and ignorance before bed and listening to the brave and heroic stories of the prince who saves the princess against all odds. We are told to be ourselves as the little boy reaches for the doll that is quickly snatched up by authority and replaced with a small car. As the girl stares, not in admiration of the princess, but the prince. She watches commercials, craving a new car that she could make come to life.
      Elementary school starts. Shaking in fear, we cry to our parents; wondering if we could ever make friends. The comforting words fall form our parent's mouth, "Just be you. Just a be you. Just be you." As we take one shaky step at a time, we think over and over and over agin, "Just be you. Just be you. Just be you." We go home, once again crying. When that look down at you with pity in their eyes asking why, you cry even harder. You cry about a boy yelling at you just for saying hello and being scolded by your teacher for having the "wrong opinion". You cry because you were you and we're still judged.
    Middle school and your stuck in the same, never ending void that is your false smile and seemingly real laugh. How do your "friends" know you're fake if they've never seen you real? Middle school blurs by. The only thoughts rushing through your mind are your cues to laugh.
     High school and the dreams start; but are they really dreams? No. They are memories. Although you can't place a date, the dreams feel so real. It feels as if your brain is trying to burst out of your skull and swan dive into that hole in your chest that has felt empty since before you can remember. Then you wake up, the dram still ringing in your mind. "Be yourself" says your parent. "Just be you".
       How can we be ourselves in a world where being unique is normal but being "normal" means not being unique? How can we walk with confidence when every step we take comes with a look of disapproval? Ever since we first heard the story of the underdog prince who live happily ever after, we have been told that we can make a difference, that we can be the change we with to see in the world. But how can we when every time we turn around to examine our surroundings, chains wrap tighter around our already damaged wrists and pull and pull and pull and pull until we are brought to our knees. Still, we try to run as ropes are tightened around our ankles long after they have already begun to dig into our skin. We have two options: die, or live to fight another day. As we sink back into the shadows, we have something new. We have a spark of rebellion that breaks into a flame of rage that grows and grows until it becomes a wild fire of change that exposes some of the injustices and suffering surrounding us. Instead of pouring lighter fluid on justice, they poor water and stomp on it with a great foot until nothing is left except except embers. In our hears however, this is the day you break free.
       Their words cut like knives so you cut away the ropes at your ankles. Those looks of disapproval that hurt even more are strong enough to free your wrists. Then, you run.
      Oh, how you run!
     You run and run and run further and further away from the lanes of people all following the short, straight, and cliché path. No one seems to notice as you quietly run faster and faster and faster until you are finally in the perfect position to rescue the princess, even if you have to do it alone.
       Alone.
    A fear that no one lives without.    Here is a secret to life however: Just when you think you are truly alone, you are wrapped tightly in a warm embrace of new found friendship. You are surrounded by hundreds, maybe even thousands of people, from the girl with her race car, to the boy with his doll, and everyone in between.
     Alone. You may not have much power, but no one is ever truly alone. For we are all together, united by the flame growing brighter and brighter in all of our chests until they all unite, setting the world on fire to emerge like a phenix.
       No matter what anyone says, you matter, you can change the world!
     After all, isn't that why we're all here?

Money can buy happiness
But fortunately, I'm broke to afford any
Proud about Manliness and Womanliness??
Contemplate the Black Venus

Smoke *** or snort coke
Eventually, you'll croak
Thanks to Crowley
I'm woke in my twenties
To witness the world full of envy

Almighty Phoebus
Throw some light on fetuses
It's time for the arrival of Phenix...v