"I can't handle the loneness when he isn't with me"
That moment was the first time
I knew I'm in love

"I can't handle the loneness when I'm with him"
And that moment was the time
I knew this relationship doesn't exist anymore

My Loneliness is killing me
keeping my poor heart weeping,
this coldness
of true loneliness
is eating away at me
No one should have to go through life like this.

I could no longer fool myself living in a place of happiness
when all I see is the gray hovering over me,
my heart is truly broken
like someone had left me for the dead
I have no where to rest my head.

Because my mind is traveling over time
that reviles what I am feeling,
I know this may sound silly
but really
this has became apart of me.

In my mind I would see a place that haunts me
I am upon a mighty sea
where his eyes are looking at me...
but I never understood what it all means,
I just no I am in something deep
that scars the hell out of me.

In this darkness of my loneness
I have found myself in something deep
that leaving me cold and weeping,
I don't really know if I'm sleeping
my pains are cutting me so bad
leaving me feeling mad.

I’m bleeding out into the sea
because this old loneliness has taken over me
left me feeling cold and very alone;
but I keep hanging on
like an old sad song
that keep playing on.

I can no longer bear it
but somehow I am getting stronger
I know I must-
standing around in this dust,
this loneliness make me feel like I have no existence,
No self-worth
Oh, how this hurts the worst.

A life of a living Hell
Did that wring someone's Bell?
out in the cold
so very alone...
trying to make it on my own
I have nowhere to call home
all I do is roam.

Oh, how my body craves to be loved
but love was never a part of me,
my empty heart just bleeds like ink
as I wrote my famous lines
for the whole world to read
about a life that kept so many hooked.

So I could set my soul at easy
and my spirit run free
so I could feel a touch of love
and just maybe be love back
instead of always being attacked
behind my back.

It is crazy how so many has read my book
they all wanted take a better look
like they are hooked
but then it was them that wanted to bring on more rain
just to give me more pain.

But when I wrote down my story
of my lonely life
that made me cry
in my own bloodstained ink
where it is my sprit sink's
to pass the time-
to easy my nights
to easy my mind
my pains of loneliness remains,
but one day it will go away.

- Judy Emery © 2017 The Queen Of Darken Dreams Judy Lilly Emery

I can love both fair and brown,
Her whom abundance melts, and her whom want betrays,
Her who loves loneness best, and her who masks and plays,
Her whom the country formed, and whom the town,
Her who believes, and her who tries,
Her who still weeps with spongy eyes,
And her who is dry cork, and never cries;
I can love her, and her, and you, and you,
I can love any, so she be not true.
Will no other vice content you?
Will it not serve your turn to do as did your mothers?
Or have you old vices spent, and now would find out others?
Or doth a fear, that men are true, torment you?
Oh we are not, be not you so;
Let me, and do you, twenty know.
Rob me, but bind me not, and let me go.
Must I, who came to travel thorough you,
Grow your fixed subject, because you are true?

Venus heard me sigh this song,
And by Love’s sweetest part, Variety, she swore
She heard not this till now; and that it should be so no more.
She went, examined, and returned ere long,
And said, “Alas, some two or three
Poor heretics in love there be,
Which think to ’stablish dangerous constancy.
But I have told them, Since you will be true,
You shall be true to them who’re false to you.”

So funny how words spill between us
A poetic conversation flooding
Understandings and questioning
Everything
One moment lights up like hope upon butterflies wings
The next unveiling a garish harsh truth of reality, perched alongside loneness
Words coloring inside lines
Fuzzy gray trying to hide
Nothing is really quite
Balck and white
Every relationship really knows no bounds
Only defined by the individuals its wrapped around
Unique as life, its complexity
Just like your eyes seeing into me
You couldn’t say we are average here
Your words are what bring color to my life
And beauty to a blade of grass and autumn leaf
To a blue jay, to the passion I seek
An icon image into what life is supposed to mean.

The walls of my heart,
Guarded words, thoughts, and passions,
Protection from pain.

They are mine to hold
Against all other's actions,
But is this in vain?

For fear that the storm,
Tearing my world's foundations,
Will cause the cloud's rain.

Has left me too dry
In my deep hibernations
No other to gain.

The realness of life
Awakens my soul's sleeping
To an honest thought.

Protection from pain
And its hermited living
Can claim nothing brought.

But sorrowed loneness
And a heart unforgiving
To the one is wrought.

So I tear my walls,
And move my habitation,
To the land of chance.

My heart now able,
To be hurt, held, healed, or loved,
But for sure it's free.

One wolf to another
I crave fear, I live on it
Decisions are made based on it
If I can't feel the rush of anxiety
Then I can't feel anything at all

Fear is like the catalyst to it all
It's like the prism
Through which I can respond to
The many lights of the world

Nothing is scarier than you
If you mean all that you say
I'm already feeling the symptoms of fear
How can I not?

How is a candle to react
When it's whole life has been lived in darkness
When it finally sees another
The flame burns a new color
The flame burns with the same intensity

Suspicion would be natural
Caution would be instinctual
But what about jealousy
An aching so primal to ***** out
The flame from it's own wick
Just so it can share this new foreign flame

What if it feels like if I were to execute myself
To be alive in this new thing
That as soon as I saw all that I am
Once I saw my demons rush at me
No longer held back be a soul on fire
You would either rush me along side them
Perhaps you would just run away
Maybe I'd even run

More than anything
This wolf in front of you
Emaciated and caught in traps too many to count
Is terrified to the point of psychosis
That she will bite
That she will wound fatally

It's the lack of everything that fuels her
What if one less leak makes the water rush in faster
What if the insanity of loneness
Is a cake walk compared to the hot mess that you inspire

I come home, and he hasn’t seen me in years.
I left at 7:30 this morning.
His love for me is communicated by the stench of his breath on my face,
Followed by a damp example of warmth.
I scolded him three and a half minutes prior.
He holds me tight every night, and stays until the morning.
I’ve been single for years.
I cook a meal for three,
Playing mind games with myself again.
He makes up for the empty seat.
I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders.
His grin dissipates my boulders on anxiety.
He carries the weight of my loneness on his back.
Poor dog.

a mockingbird strips the night
of quiet
opens a portal in my soul
to let what was in    out
and
what was out    in

to make an exchange of balances

just so does the cave Lechuguilla
**** air through her ******
in the desert near Carlsbad
balancing air pressure
in great    ******* puffs that make her moan
like a lover satisfied

or perhaps not

perhaps she groans and sighs
for the **** of her million-year solitude
for the loss of her art-full loneness
perhaps Lechuguilla sounds
to stem the contagion of sobs
daily growing in her heart
each sob feeding off the one before
marking like guideposts
the descent she now takes into oblivion
searching    searching

searching for herself

the story of a princess
scratches at the edge of my mind
a princess whose ability was as rare
as the sight of an egret flying against the star-crusted night
she mounted to the roof of her palace
each night    there to repose
to light the whole city
with her radiance

everything begins in the imagined

you donned your suit of lights
to woo me from myself
to court my innocence from its cave
now    head down    pawing dust into fog
I charge    bristling    and snorting threats
through my nose

you    beautiful in light-catching suit
send my barbs like adorned words
into my flesh and soul
I bleed the last of my happiness down my back
into the dry soil
of our We
our glances nick    then slide away
drawing more passion
to coagulate in tidal pools at our feet

I cannot be your imaginal woman

I am my own
I speak in wordchunks like charcoal
hiding fire within
I beat my rhythms to music you do not hear

because you have no reck of me


c. 1994/2017 Roberta Compton Rainwater

There aren’t a lot of things in this world that make me truly happy; in fact upon further reflection, there's nothing at all that completely does other than you, things merely distract me from the inescapable fact that I've been perpetually lonely my entire life up to this point. Only the thought of you distracts me long enough to make time without you bearable, to make me hold on just a little longer to see you again so you can fill the void in my soul that has been eating at my stomach since you left. I love you like this. And when you aren’t around me images of you age backwards in my memory and comfort me to the point of almost wholeness and at the same time a vast emptiness. Knowing that thoughts of you aren’t the same as your lips on my forehead and that they don’t fix the loneness I tend to align myself with without you here. When you’re gone I stick my hands in my pockets more. I thumb the hole in the bottom of that fabric feeling for the last penny to my name and realizing that it slipped down through that whole, through my pant leg, onto strange and unknown ground. That is something like how I feel without you. Like how I can remember touching you at some point and wanting to hold onto you for dear life but the second I let go, you fell through a hole that I couldn’t follow you through. So now I am penniless. That is the most heart sinking feeling. Being so lonely that my heart swells with heavy emptiness; it falls through my body down to my feet and I am forced to stomp on it with every step I take. Each stride squeezing out more and more blood so that by the time I have walked miles to see you again I pass out in your arms.  I tell you, “Lovely to see you again, I missed you so much.” Then I am happy and whole again.

How reassuring
     such unspoken words can be
In times of loneness
     it is all what is left to me

I was there in the beginning.
When it was just me and her.
We played and talked
Connected a lot.

Now it is all different.
I am not number one.
I am in the lower rack,
Where the wanna-bes hung.

I can sit in a room for hours.
And no one will notice I'm gone.
But I want to be apart of them.
That is what I do long.

So I sit here at my friends computer typing.
Can I even call her my friend?
And will I be stuck in loneness
Until the very end?

THOSE LYING EYES

If I was somewhat mild, and sweet
Everyone would look at me as weak,
Love and flame my poor heart speaks
I encourage true love to stay with me,
But that isn’t the way this story goes
not yet in this show,

if I could go back to the time when
I was young a little girl,
I would had asked questions more,
but I am an older woman
that had to learn the hard way in life
where people wasn’t very nice,

Hate and strife was always at my door,
My poor heart was laid to bleed at my feet,
All my dearest thought where things was
Once sweet has been lost,
I always walked around with a broken heart,

I have seen so much things
that given me darken dreams,
Where love is truly lost,
I tried so hard to heal from all those lies
That eat away at my heart day and night,

I would change everything if I could,
Even my poor childhood,
Oh, weary eye come to me at night,
With trembling hands,
asking me to forgive all his sins,
If I could I would,
I can only try,
That’s when I started to cry,

Loneness’ was at my side
in teary eyes,
if I would had known long ago
what this love would had sown
I would had never entered his throne,
all he ever gave me
was much heartaches that always made
my body each, while my spirit breaks,
Oh, the pains of true agony,
I would wrap myself to sleep
But I always found him in all my dreams,

Words of unquestioning is the love
I once known some time ago,
A love so true way before I got lost
In to a darken state of life,
I was just a young girl with lots of curls,
dancing around in life,
where things were safe and nice,

But I am no longer a child
I am a woman that has gone into
A life of pain, now I just dance in rain,
What Dark Angel gave,
I see his dull eyes looking right at me
Oh, how I feel I can no longer breath
His old cold hands are on me
Telling me what is it you see?

Oh, how he is rattling my breath
Playing with my head,
there is no way out he said,
I got lost in all his lies,

that are in his eyes,
Images of shadows upon the white sand,
Blood being poured out in ancient times,
Like an old poet rhyme,
I touch many artist eyes
And reader’s minds while I write
down my pains of darken dreams,

Poetic Judy Emery © 1999

I wish I could forget you
For a little bit it happens from time to time
When I'm busy and away from my mind
Yet you come back again out of the blue
If you're anywhere close so soon I want to just talk to you
Or hit you
But we both know I wouldn't do such a thing
Why you broke up with me!
So I'll just wonder if you think about me
As much as I had of you
I mean it's not like it didn't matter right?
From taking me in and holding me tight too saying we rushed and that nothing is right
I felt that too but still I just didn't want to break up with you
And maybe if I did maybe I wouldn't feel this
This loneness that you gave me
So thank you
Thank you sooo much for that
Because it's not like I wasn't going to start not giving a crap about you
But slowly and surely
With time
I'll be with someone else and happy
Because as much as it felt like a fairytale
You were to never be my prince charming

I've missed some days
days I cant take back
but does it really matter?
in the end I'm always drowning
loneness, the prison that holds me
depression, my roommate
you haven't missed much
just some words not worth hearing

If I was somewhat mild and sweet
Everyone would look at me as weak,
Love and flame my poor heart speaks
I encourage true love to stay with me,
But that isn’t the way this story goes
not yet in this show,
if I could go back to the time when
I was young a little girl,
I would have asked questions more,
but I am an older woman
that had to learn the hard way in life
where people weren’t very nice,
Hate and strife was always at my door,
My poor heart was laid to bleed at my feet,
All my dearest thought where things were
Once sweet has been lost,
I always walked around with a broken heart,
I have seen so many things
that given me darken dreams,
Where love is truly lost,
I tried so hard to heal from all those lies
That eats away at my heart day and night,
I would change everything if I could,
even my poor childhood,
Oh, weary eye come to me at night,
with trembling hands,
asking me to forgive all his sins,
If I could I would,
I can only try,
That’s when I started to cry,
loneness’ was at my side
in teary eyes,
if I would have known long ago
what this love would have sown
I would have never entered his throne,
all he ever gave me
was many heartaches that always made
my body each, while my spirit breaks,
Oh, the pains of true agony,
I would wrap myself to sleep
But I always found him in all my dreams,
Words of unquestioning are the love
I once have known some time ago,
A love so true way before I got lost
In to a darkened state of life,
I was just a young girl with lots of curls,
dancing around in life,
where things were safe and nice,
But I am no longer a child
I am a woman that has gone into
A life of pain, now I just dance in rain,
What Dark Angel gave,
I see his dull eyes looking right at me
Oh, how I feel I can no longer breath
his old cold hands are on me
telling me what is it you see?
Oh, how he is rattling my breath
playing with my head,
there is no way out he said,
I got lost in all his lies,
that is in his eyes,
Images of shadows upon the white sand,
Blood being poured out in ancient times,
Like an old poet rhyme,
I touch many artist eyes
And reader’s minds while I write
down my pains of darken dreams.

Judy Emery © 1999
The Queen Of Darken Dreams Poetic Judy Emery