This bakery sounds like couples cooing at each other from opposite ends of the booth
Giggling like no one else sees they're playing footsies under the table
And coffee they've let go cold because no one orders hot, black coffee at five pm in this Arizona heat.
It sounds like cookies taunting the diabetic who really did come in for the salads
And the free wifi, of course.
It sounds disgustingly like the same song I've played on repeat for the past three hours
Contemplating what I want to write about tonight.
But not really contemplating
More like wishing that on the walk to this bakery that's stuck on the corner of a straight road
I'd thrown you to the ground and punched you in the face
For all the wrongs you've done and all the wrongs you're going to do.
But your apathy threw me off, and I kept walking in silence.
Wishing I could have the beach's sands, the mountain's bending rivers,
And that I could run away from here.
This bakery sounds like noise, and sometimes noise is tolerable.
At least noise is better than apathy.

We used to play footsies back in the third grade under our desk while the teacher talked about division and words we would never use like "nonchalant" and "prosperity"
We would lay in the benches together during recess and look at the clouds move when we were supposed to be playing handball
We would run off to the library to help put away books to get away from everybody
You were there when I first developed my love for books and the beauty of poetry
I would help you with your homework because I was better at math than you even though I never paid attention, and you probably only pretended to need help
We would share my snacks because sometimes you didn't have any
You were there when I lost 30 pounds because my mom was so obsessed with me being the perfect little girl she dreamed of
You were there when I first started developing my bulimia, even though you didn't know it was even going on You sometimes hung out with your other friends and you would ask me to tag along because you didn't want me to be alone
You didn't come from a good family and you had many problems
You started to disappear bit by bit and I started making up excuses saying I was helping the nurse or reading in the library and didn't even notice your lack of absence
You weren't there on the last day of school and I'm sure I'm the only one that noticed your absence
But you came back a couple of months later and acted like you didn't know me
And soon again you were gone
But I still have the memory of you in my mind, and I think of you sometimes
And even though you wouldn't recognize me if you saw me again, I know for a fact that I could recognize you from a mile away

My apartment still smells like cigarettes from Saturday
when a couple girls with crop-top ambitions
drank themselves through flip cups and through guys’ eyes
who purposely landed on their belly-buttons.
I might have stood on the couch to sing that song,
but I’ve fallen for you all wrong. After another remix,
everyone left and we played footsies while leaning
in the doorway of my bathroom, the wood trim chipping
but your smile brightening in the yellow overhead light.
And I promised I wouldn’t find myself
come Monday morning sitting here with my knees knocking,
and knocking, and knocking themselves back into my brain
that keeps reminding my heart that we expired last season,
and that it’s just too **** late.
I promised myself I wouldn’t wipe my tears on my sweatshirt sleeves,
or run my toes on the tile, or breathe in another toxic pack
of what I essentially believe is you. You are the *** I pour myself into.
You are the chance I keep giving myself seconds of.

I know I shouldn’t have separated myself that quickly, or without notice,
but honestly I didn’t know how to attach myself to someone
unless it was delicate and barb-wired together. I’m sorry I ******* it up,
back then, before the mess, wherever you’d like to pinpoint
the blame on our timeline
but you are the only chance I keep giving myself seconds of.
So I’ll distance myself between my body and this frame,
cut out text-message screen shots and paste them to my frown
so maybe I can remember what it was like to smile
without ******* cigarette smoke between my teeth.

It's getting hard to bite my tongue,
Feeling like grabbing you by the hand and leading you out of the office on a run.

Just a little alone time
To sit face to face
Play some footsies for a minute
Talk and wander off into space.

****, I miss you when your not here
Even though I can't talk in person I feel content just knowing that you're near.

Don't get me started on how perfect that you really are, the old feelings are coming back of wanting to run away from you far.

Cuz the desire to touch that skin and kiss you on your neck is growing so strong,
while you're on your walk want to pull you in my room, kick out Isaiah, and make out all night long.

Rub some Coconut oil in my palm,
and massage that **** body till it almost feels wrong.

Then stop and quickly put it in reverse, we're just getting to know each other I don't want no curse.

You're the type of woman that's worth the wait, show you my heart, take my time, get to know you, and put it in the hands of fate.

For the record I have never came this hard or cared for another with my heart so full,
with you it's different, unstoppable, it's like a planetary gravitational pull.

Please know that you are gorgeous all that and a bag of chips,
intelligent, spiritual, funny, beautiful, strong, and **** with a voluptuous body and hips.

I feel you Melissa even when your not around.
Queen so perfect, come a little closer, stand next to me, and put on this crown.

I remember the first time you leaned in to kiss me,

The way you held my waist gave me faith,
And I could recite the words on your lips with the same fluency a priest could recite prayers,

I remember how the taste of cigarette butts and addiction told me more about your sins than your words ever could,
And the skin of your fingers and how you held my hand as if it could've would've cured your depression,

Your touch against my skin felt like wedding vows in front of a priest,
Yet my hand trembled like a Saturday stripper at Sunday mass and not even god himself could stop it,

The way your body looked that night gave meaning to the word "miracle",
And how heavenly you looked under the moonlight could make a Christian want to be loyal to someone other than Jesus Christ,

My dear, I hear your voice behind the religious advice my parents gave me, "she's no good for you, she's no good for you",
And I remember how we drowned all the memorized bible verses in alcohol and sweat,

I still remember how I knew that you'd be leaving and how I wept into god's fists, "don't let me fall in love, don't let me fall in love",
And how we'd always find a way to sin, no matter the countless efforts made by nuns,

I remember how you smiled in between kisses, like 7 year old footsies at mass,
And I can hear the silence in the confessionary booth, and how I wanted to kiss you for a thousand light years,

I promised I wouldn't let it fall a p a r t, like god promised when he made the rainbow,
Yet the rainbow looks more familiar than you now a days,

So, dear, no matter how we fell apart nevertheless, I hold you sweetly in my ocean, like rosaries stuck in between pages,
And I never doubted you how I doubted whether god would help me through  nights like these,

And if god gave me this soul,
I will repay him by loving you with all of it,

And I will never forget how your lips danced while you told me you would kiss me till the end,
But those same lips would grow arms and shut the doors into heaven closed

lets stare upward
facing the new constellations
i splattered on the ceiling
glowing specks to fascinate us
while we are here
dark early and silent

playing footsies
i caress you
big toe to pinky
slow and sighing all the while
the deep
im so in love with you sigh

i meditate
and you meander
your fingers across you
and then me
raising every pore and follicle

its night but we arent dreaming
and no
not even really playing
just being mostly
nocturnal

A while back, Nick and I sat
side by side
in split-back forest lawn chairs.
Huff and huff
the porch's coat of scarlet stain,
talking like
existential cab drivers.
Legs on legs
crossed like war trenches or
window blinds
or a cold zipper's cold teeth.
Life or death.
More life on rye, Swiss cheese.
Holey talk of Jesus Christ.
Cross the cross
and hope to die; I know we will.
For now, though,
skip small to get to big talk.
Cursive hand
separates notes and throws out
the *******,
but everything at that age was *******.
Challenger
never blew up, Dillinger
never robbed,
we never dissected life
to see its
uncertain pancreas.
We're kids but can't act like it.
Qualms with calm,
and clever wordplay plays footsies
with my thoughts.
My stale bread secrets take up
too much space.

This is super secret loving
Like when my foot accidentally touches yours over coffee
I ask if you want to play footsies
And then move my foot away to make sure
The whole thing isn’t weird
And you tell me I don’t have to move my foot
So I then rub my leg against yours
Like a one legged cricket who’s sure
He’s found the set that plays his song
Only your face turns red
And the song doesn’t play

I look to my super secret decoder
Mood ring that tells me what you’re feeling
Only if I can touch you long enough for it to change colors
So I hold your hand like a zipper
And you shake mine away like a stove linger
I half expect you to **** your finger like a cigarette burn
The ring looks like antifreeze
Caught in the glare of sunlight
With no definite answer
And I don’t know what to think

This is super secret heartbreak
As I apologize
Even though I was being myself
Like a man who never knew a mirror
Like a boy
Who wanted to say something like
You smell really good
I know I should have learned
To keep my hands
And feet to myself by now

But this is super secret loving
And the storm swirling in my super secret decoder mood ring
Is fading to green like envy
And now blue

Super secretly
I say
Let’s try this again
As you stand up to leave
After reading a text message
About how your dog died

Super secretly
I say
stay

I don't know what I'm looking at
a masterpiece of acoustic vision in front of my eyes
but for all I had known
there were trap doors slamming themselves
shut, letting off dust into the crystal air

For all I had known
this freckle on my kneecap is a trickling spider
making its way over the hill
because it's been climbing so long it's footsies
are blistering and it just wants to
freefall into nothing.

For all I had known those voices of
children outside are trapped in my head
They don't exist because nothing is real
and nothing is real because it's safer fake

For all I know now is all I knew then
It's just altered and makes sense now
because I know what opportunities I left
to die dry
because I didn't water them with tears
I made an ocean instead.

I saw you every day in second period
we talked when we were supposed to be reading
i always sat half turned around in my seat
we always played footsies
we always hugged at the end of class
i always glanced at you at break when you were with your friends
i always stopped at your locker before 5th
we always walked to class
we always got stares from the teacher like she knew what was up
we always sat together in chapel
we always sat close and nudged each other
we always exchanged glances before 6th
you always walked me to my car after school
we always texted 24/7
we alway hung out before your practices
we always went out on fridays
we always kissed passionately
we always cuddled in the movies
we always had fun
we were always together

now we don't speak
now we don't make eye contact
now we sit on opposite rooms and read along in class
now i try to sneak glances at you
now i just hope you look back
now i try not to look at you and her at break
now i walk past your locker
now we pretend to not see each other when we walk by
now we sit apart in chapel
now we don't text
now we hang out with our own friends on fridays
now we talk to our friends after school
now we sit solitarily in movies
now we are never together

but the only thing that hasn't changed
is my love for you
that will always remain
i hope you know that

Can we go back?
Back to the days of uniforms and recess
Soft pretzels and footsies
Joking and smiling
Loving and crying

I remember your face like it has always been
How it was that first day
We were so close to the ground yet still standing tall
Young and mindless
But I could feel it
I knew you were special
I've loved you for ages
But you never noticed

I held your hand
I made you smile
You made me dream
You made me sigh
We made each other laugh
I saw the mischievous look in your eye
I could tell you were on the verge of erupting into laughter

You made my heart sing
It's a song I haven't heard in a while
Play it for me.

rock covers paper
which is broken by the scissors
which is cut by the rock

she plays footsies
with her hands

she plays grab-***
with her teeth

she holds a knife
over me
as friendly as a bee

pollinating
there is no escaping

love

park benches and arm stretches
hugs that feel like roses blooming
like footsies fooling
diehard chasers and fearless makers
high heels carving holes in the concrete floor
how is that possible?
holding hands on carved bridges made from men so long ago
touching each other’s shadows
behind telephone poles
dreaming mid-yawn
spinning in silk and satin spindled suits and dresses
red streaked eyes and tempered smiles and luxurious bodices
dancing on picnic looking tabletops
laughing our butts off
swinging from low hanging chandeliers
drinking from low budget wine glasses with koolaid since we’re minors
laying on each other’s chests and stroking each other’s hair fervently
trying to ***** dance in the sparkle of the sunlight
catching each other as we fall into trusting positions
pretending to be spies on top secret missions
grabbing my waist and falling onto the sparkly clean floor
becoming so mad yet never unsure
captivated by your lips and the way your skin twinkles a million different shades
and the way your voice calls my name in a billion languages,
some completely made up even
meticulously planning the way our shoes will leave marks in the dusty spots of the castle
sweating and eating brunch for dinner and not eating filet as an entree but as an appetizer
falling into your strong arms and losing control of what we are
seeing stars in the retinas of your eyes and mysteriously feeling dead-alive
like never before
nobody would have ever seen the manner in which you bat your eyelashes at me
and how the soft murmur of the breeze echoes across the coarse part of your cheek
and calls for me
safe and compact into a life that’s so magically intact
loving would never have been so tranquil if we had planned every single sought after moment
candidly slow dancing in the velvet summers day
being odd and obscure and strange in several colors and in multiple ways
touching the surface of your ocean wave body
sloshing so wonderfully
the rhythmic sound and all your capabilities
the rampant sweat clinging to your face, your throat,
looking at me
clowning around, tackling each other while grinning wildly
pillow fighting so hard the feathers exit and get caught on our wet tongues and shivering bodies,
and we collapse and watch hours and hours of tv while we sing karaoke from the 80s and pretend to be heartbroken like in the mvs
sitting on established thrones without the grueling jobs and committed work
losing sleep cause we stay up all night playing monopoly, but mostly it’s just you making fun of me cause i don’t participate i just grab my knees and admire the way you pick up the cards and still lose to me
and watch your rage fuel our fake arguments so we end up with full stomachs and happiness
watching theater from the highest balcony and grabbing my shaky hand and ridding of my anxiety
lovers spit, kissing cherry lips in the darkness of the abyss
kicking papers off of desk offices and messing around as if we are two tiny kids
having the kind of love that doesn’t get trapped beneath the sofa cushions that are crusty and ready to give away, but haven’t yet
the kind between gapped teeth, white as ivory, licking the dwindling flavor and savoring the last moments till it’s not sugary
taking life so seriously is absurd,
instead dance ballroom style on tabletops and try ***** dancing for once in your darned life
it ain’t gonna hurt

i pictured us going on stupid dates
and me ordering a stupid bacon cheeseburger and caesar salad
under the dim light of the stupid packed restaurant
as we play a stupid game like footsies under the table
and i'll get a stupid kiss from you under the willow tree by the river
and we'll watch stupid coming of age movies together
and we'll watch the stupid pink sunset from my favorite spot with a picnic
and i would give you stupid sentimental gifts
and we would listen to stupid music together
and everything will be stupidly perfect
and we'd both be so stupidly euphoric