asunder any new thought
and garish now my name
wax lyrical over all we ever spoke,
flourish with those  wind dancers
vying the whispering ledge
expediting with the pine and turtle dove,
your lodestar was decidedly second class
he could never ascend,
to find himself another Spire.

i used to live in boxes,
not just the ones from packing my life
away and expediting it, or where i would
store myself under old refrigerators,
making soft buzzing noises with my tongue

i kept things in them, wings plucked
from butterflies and soaked in the
sickly sweet scent of formaldehyde.
it was satisfying to separate myself
from all the spheres of influence
and drops in the bucket
of my mind.

the past was all accorded for,
the present mattered not. i could get by
on scratching windowpanes for golden flecks
of light. as long as i had the memories of
being too young to understand thoughts,
i was okay, and okay was a word i could say
without regret. it promised nothing.

so what chance did you stand, all silver
and sparkles, speaking backwards and boiling over
with steam? you pretended it was virtue you were
smoking, hand-rolled, on the slowly sinking porch.
i could taste it as hypocrisy, some softest contradiction.

and i wanted to seal you off, garnished in
a soft sort of word salad, and dressed with adjectives
like “lonely” or maybe just a little bored. my way
was too angular for your knees, softly curved as they were,
and supple on my chest. you compartmentalized
so sloppily into a stream-of-consciousness story.

so there is a box for you, sitting somewhere, and i confess
that i always wanted to sleep alone. a can of soda
can be champagne if i’m celebrating something. and so
i think i’ll spend my night sugary and sober, painting
the sky cardboard and faded, like a memory without
a frame to hold it in.

I wish I had told you that you were my best friend
Come to realize that fact now
After your life met it's end
Nothing said or done could ever bring you back
I still beg unseen forces to reverse your passing and unfade surroundings from black
Your death hit like a bullet straight through my chest
Here on out I'll continue bleeding every sentiment left unexpressed
I can't help feeling bitter towards the world turning round and round
For taking my heaven-sent angel and burying her in the cold ground
I wake each heavy morning and barely face the sun
Swept up in a hurricane but I seem to be the only one
Driving down an unpaved road no signs saying yield
Rain is crashing so hard I can hardly see through the windshield
And know if you were here you'd be encouraging me to keep fighting
I ****** myself bit by bit
Demise I'm expediting
I'm stranded on remote island surrounded by ocean of my fears
Beach shrinking as tide rolls in
Helplessly watch as all land disappears
It is not fair you deserted me in a barren expanse of loneliness
Wilting I long for the familiar warmth of your caress
Now aching hours are blistered by regret and rage
Heating shaky hands as I spill my story onto this page
Ready to give up what is there to continue breathing for?
Nothing lasts forever and I admit I simply don't want to anguish anymore
It's like I'm held underwater by a dozen unbreakable strings
Lay in bed when night falls tormented by sound of your laughter as it rings
How is it possible to be dead as my pulse simultaneously races
Feet exhausted from sprinting in circles over the same four bases
I once was aware of my worth
Moved with purpose and care
Presently time warps wasting away as I navigate this nightmare
Drinking nostalgia like alcohol
Enjoying shot after shot
Intoxicated with reminiscence
Drowning in love I have no longer got
I caught cranium on fire in attempt to warm up insides
Pursuing this glow your presence no longer supplies
Beneath sheets I roll until my limbs become a tangled mess
Dreams only location where I am briefly unshackled from distress
Speak to you sleeping then expect you to remain
Once eyes open you are left behind in another domain
Then experience you parting to the point like it was new
For one second I forget that there is no more you
And everything comes tumbling around me in a blink
Dire circumstances are slowly nudging me towards the brink
Trying to gain some distance between me and the edge of this cliff
Spent enough energy wrestling with two words
"What if?"
To taste that state of carefree bliss bathed in as a child
Unharnessed love shadowed me before innocence was defiled
Wrapped in an insatiable yearning for arms laid to ashes
No bandages or stitches are able to close up emotional gashes
I should have savored sweetness of your affection while I could
Every last bit of maternal nurturance is gone for good

(Pentagon E-ring office—executive officer knocks & enters—General motions him in)

XO,
Explain
examinees...

                              Examinee
                              X-11,
                              Xander
                              Xanakis

Experience?

                              Explosives
                              expert.
                              Ex-Army.
                              Executive
                              experience

Exam?

                              Exceptional

Excellent!

                              Excessive

Exessive?
Explain

                              Extreme
                              xenophobe

(expletive)
Exclude

                              Examinee
                              X-12...

Xavier
Xanthopoulos...

Experience?

                             Expert—
                             extraction,
                             exfiltration.
                             Ex-Navy,
                             Executive
                             Experience

Exam?

                             Excelled

                             Extracuricular
                             extras...

Explain

                             Expat,
                             X-games,
                             xylophone...

Expat?

                             Xalapa

(chuckling)
X-games,
xylophone—
(laughs)
X-Factor!

                             (XO nods his head, smiling)

Xenophobic?

                             (shaking head)
                             Xenodochial.
                             Exeptionally
                             xenophilic!

Expectations?

                             Exceeds
                             Expectations

Excellent!

XO,
exclude
examinee
X-11...

                              Excluding
                              Xander
                              Xanakis

Expedite
Xavier
Xanthopoulos

                              Expediting
                              examinee
                              X-12

XO,
excused

                               (XO exits)



© 2020 by Mark Toney.  All rights reserved.

Intoxified,
out of my mind.

Paths intertwined,
running blind.

Straight ahead,
where fate bled

a new destiny,
for only you and me.

Your cosmic grace
reinforces our embrace,

as waves of affinity
guide us for infinity.

Spiraling beyond
any anomaly ever spawned.

Expediting faster,
smashing through disaster.

Dual impenetrable grips
fueling a paradisiacal eclipse.

We drift within the moons,
floating along vermillion balloons.

Impressions in the sand;
together, forever hand-in-hand.