If shivering burns calories,
this winter was a workout.

why do i have to be a dog for my cats?
the male one is teasing my
neighbour's dog...
the dog starts barking,
doesn't stop...
so i start barking...
a dismembered word
rough with a range of
neared onomatopoeias...
i hate barking, it never sounds
like a dog... more like a
dinosaur... Ra! (a name for a roar),
a tongue's trill at the ******'s in-between...
i hate barking...
or like at the chemists, an old man and me,
i had the seat, asked if he wanted it,
he said no,
we were both waiting for a prescription...
'well, if you're not taking it
i'll stand with you in show of solidarity'
my arms folded like a pigeon or a crow
strutting... well, if he ain't going to sit
i'm not going to sit either....
there you go, solidarity, **** Wałensa...
mushy mushy overgrown moustache nozzle...
brr brr... do the motorboat of oral ***
like you're expressing shrivelling watching
the northern lights! yep, got you...
selfie taken... now make a pose for
Lactose Falls of the waterfalls from your
eyeing *******... yep... that's a happy couple...
take two! no, you ******* go off and wait
in the tourists' queue
like the other 100 ******* did politely.

I like to think I have a little moon
behind my lips, that you
could reach in & pluck

and in your eyes, reflecting
the rare bits of light that slip through
the blankets we cover the windows
with

I never know whether to look away
or to let them fade  
in slow-     motion

all's hush and quiet
in the bathroom
and things start
to talk to one another

drip, drip, says the tap
brr, brr, says the window
hum, hum, says the pipe
tchk, tchk, says the shower


I've got the worst job round here,
whines the eloquent toothbrush

Oh, yeah? comes the reply
from the unassuming toilet roll

Guns on the battle lines have pounded now a year
     between Brussels and Paris.
And, William Morris, when I read your old chapter on
     the great arches and naves and little whimsical
     corners of the Churches of Northern France--Brr-rr!
I'm glad you're a dead man, William Morris, I'm glad
     you're down in the damp and mouldy, only a memory
     instead of a living man--I'm glad you're gone.
You never lied to us, William Morris, you loved the
     shape of those stones piled and carved for you to
     dream over and wonder because workmen got joy
     of life into them,
Workmen in aprons singing while they hammered, and
     praying, and putting their songs and prayers into
     the walls and roofs, the bastions and cornerstones
     and gargoyles--all their children and kisses of
     women and wheat and roses growing.
I say, William Morris, I'm glad you're gone, I'm glad
     you're a dead man.
Guns on the battle lines have pounded a year now between
     Brussels and Paris.

the oddity of it all, i can sound like a 70 year old, writing in 2016, by simply writing about 2004 - and that's the excuse everyone gives for lazy English text form: 2 (abc), 3 (def), 4 (ghi), 5 (jkl), 6 (mno), 7 (pqrs), 8 (tuv), 9 (wxyz) - where you had to press a button several times to get the right letter (even with spellcheck helping you shorten the digit-bag sequence) - but that's no excuse with digital phones and a complete keyboard... but that's how it looks, after only 12 years... i'm actually aged 70 given the advances of the technology advent... let's forget the technology of the 1990s... i've circled round and met up with people who collected vinyls... that's how old i am in respect to my buying habits... we're the silver-compact-vinyl kids: the ghouls of the 1960s, born in the 1980s and not getting down with the kids... and to readdress just two books: all that stream-of-consciousness made the latter end of Ulysses a bit like writing by candle-light... as was reading the plagiarism of the above stated in Sartre's iron in the soul... or as the puritans said: we're filling for at least a ¶ (pilcrow) to be inserted: not to mess up the idea of a river and "thinking aloud" where punctuation marks mean: stopping suddenly because you become self-conscious... i just needed a ****** bookmark! the monks at the time of Charlemagne used the ¶ quiet often, condensed bibles, ink was worth 20 camels and paper was worth 20 dresses for a queen... ah, the times when paper was as precious as silk... so the puritans condensed writing, they weren't as sparing in their inner feng shui - a room the size of St. Paul's... and two words in it: Jesus Christ... they were like modern day delivery guys, packaging words together, they didn't have the luxury to write paragraphs with the now established spacing afresh, i.e.:

            and Jimmy went up a ladder into the loft etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc.
             Florence was making a cup of tea when she heard Jimmy yell: 'my long lost golf clubs!' etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc.

i.e.

¶ and Jimmy went up a ladder into the loft etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc.

alternatively the ¶ went out of fashion in the literary world, once writing became affordable and changed into a profiteering case of bravado... but i still think ¶ is a bit like using a clef.*

or how to keep one's intellectual integrity: have a drink or two,
and muster enough creative energy to use this encoding -
or... how to make poetry akin to computer
programming - a subtler way to encode
the now slothfully rising moon:
half of it, not full, nor scimitar crescent,
a half bitten honey biscuit, just above the forest
horizon, and the semi-detached houses
of English outer-suburbia - in a sense
transcendentalism, a box with many words
in it attributed to the cause,
as is the reason why Christianity became
the most schismatic religion that has ever
graced man's "good will" (ambiguity,
not an approximation) - in line with philosophical
whims of vogue: idealism, realism, transcendentalism,
existentialism, ism after ism after the Methodists
and the Baptists and other mongrels of current
affairs... already stated: populist Platonism
and the ransacked and burnt library of Alexandria...
yes, decidedly, poetry as a variation of
computer programming - although more akin
to: the tetragrammaton and the Noah's
checklist of paired onomatopoeia(s) (plural
form is underlined, Oxford hasn't picked up
the circumstance: there are neurotics out there
who'd send you to the guillotine for not
updating "spelling mistakes" that aren't
"spelling mistakes" quickly enough!) -
to the cause or as signatures of being easily
recognisable as: yes, that's that... a moustache
and a bowler hat...            alternatively
watch a stand-up show by Miranda -
the very typical English-ness inside out:
hysterical from the word go... the ministry of
funny walk from Monty Python ***
                      the two walks at the airport -
or the trip-up on skewed pavement slabs
checking the impromptu socially acceptable
version of the other seeing us -
comedians do it oh so well: the inside-out,
stern exterior, boy ******* a thumb and relating
to a blanket as if it were an umbilical chord...
what a tightly knit individual...
                          made complete with about a dozen
patches...
                       but it is! it is! it really is already
ready to be likened to computer programming,
perhaps there's no <xerox> or other commands,
but poetry deals with encoding sounds,
no man can encode a proper roar of a lion
or a squirt of a skunk, that's sheer travesty that
so many people can actually muster enough
encouragement to encode these sounds...
i imagine a world where we don't even care
to write knock, and knock on a piece of wood
and a noumenon is born, the sound isn't noted
down, it remains a thing in itself (synonyms,
in italics) - it's probably akin to getting a tattoo,
great if you have a short-term memory loss
like that guy in Memento... but it's going to
be hard to displace knock-knock -
again this is already an approximation -
onomatopoeia upon onomatopoeia -
it doesn't even sound akin or properly dressed
to mention Plato's theory of forms -
sounds can be forms: apparently they're waves...
no waves are forms (shapes) -
or that demigod who fell in love with his shadow,
rather than his image reflected in a lake,
he fell in love: because it gave him enhanced reflexes...
every single time... boom... shadow... boom...
shadow... and so much of language goes into
these nonsensical types of encoding -
blah for: talking a lot -
                                           hmm - when negatively
pondering something -
                                            i believe that
there should be a grammatical elevation of the onomatopoeia
to the status of nouns, verbs etc. -
                           but it is, it is, it really is
like computer programming,
               above and beyond the sheltering vacuum -
how would we ever write a word to encode the
sound of lightning, or a volcano erupting,
or the earth spinning - in these areas i find god -
       i will find man in these areas:
but i'll be hinged on mathematical explanation:
and mathematics is pure optics -
                       so what that we can write one and write
1, write two and write 2, three and 3, four and 4 -
    by now we can write to, too, free and for...
and this is just the start -
                             by acknowledging onomatopoeia
for something, we acknowledge our limitation
of encoding something in that realm -
this inability gave us the emergence of nouns -
   sooner or later when someone started
talking about an earthquake... a litmus test of:
brr grrm boom bah dobble aah! etc.
we got the picture - and why would a monkey
evolve from its conscious-sleep reservoir
to say just as much as with a simple grunt and ooh -
actually, some onomatopoeia(s) became sophisticated -
a grunt is a sophisticated onomatopoeia -
       as is weeping and crying and shouting -
as is shooing (or to shoo) -
well, that's how i see it... poetry as reality programming -
since there's more than just a computer -
at the moment it just resembles a game of
whack-a-mole -                 although there's more than
the mere 26 primary moles -
      and all this talk does relate to something,
something very important at the beginning of the
20th century... well, a century later, and something
similar is being discussed... Ivan Bunin?
noble prize winner from 1933, the first russian to do so...
  anyway... this goes beyond his concerns...
his concerns were akin to that dud i made
with the word mruwka -
                               personally? i feel that the "correct"
version of the word is aesthetically displeasing -
and anyone who says otherwise treats orthography
not as an aesthetic question, but a question
of rubrics and regime - so there we have the "correct"
version mrówka                               (ant)       -
anyone agree with me? well, the English language
doesn't have any concerns for orthographic
regulation - it has excessive spelling and that's that -
what bothered Ivan was the Bolsheviks rewriting
orthographic rules... the word in question?
izvestia - that really peeved him off...
                      everyone in intellectual circles was
disturbed by the changes (can't recall the original) -
but the changes were approved by the Russian Academy of
Sciences (immediately before the revolution) -
there would have been any dispute about the "evolution"
in orthographic terms if done prior to Feb. 1917 -
the war postponed the changes, and with the Bolsheviks
in power... then obviously the suspicion...
   now... such changes are but farts in hurricanes
in comparison with what happened in the realm of English...
i mean, ****'s sake, we're talking minor aesthetic tweaks
here and there - the changes still encompass the form
that's understood by the ear, and it's only a matter of
taste where you write the word ant as either mruwka
or mrówka - well, mind you, i'm already asking
for the incorporation of the Czech š (sz) and č (cz) -
but what's happening in English... my god: it's terrifying!
all these acronyms? all these emoticons?
        i know that English journalists are in favour of
:) and :( and ;) ;) [wink wink] - and next thing you know:
you're talking to a monkey... you soon realise:
the deaf have nurtured a superior system of communication,
as have the blind than these poor, healthy, ably nimble
*******...                   how they're superior, i don't know,
and in all honest? don't care...
         for goodness' sake: a heard a story that a girl
wrote her g.c.s.e. English language paper in text format:
   e.g. c (see) u (you) l8r (later)          -
now you see why i think that poetry is like computer
programming?
these people are scripts from a classical software program
that looks something like: 3;r/d]]aq"pk.0    etc.    
it's a complete and utter mess!
                         fair enough saying: O Shakespeare O
Milton... those guys are turning in their graves...
and they ain't showering the English language with
graces mind you: they're calling it the new
***** & Gomorrah - and it's not England was the sole
inheritor of the computer -
                                       that's what not having
diacritical accessories does to you...
                             you get hacked...
and this... pretty much... is a form of a hack:
you'll wake up tomorrow with a pair of sunglasses
or think you're looking down a microscope;
i swear to god...       me and Ivan are just laughing...
he's not drinking, i'm drinking, but we share
the same intuitive devices - the same puppet strings
pulled him in 1919 as they are pulling me in 2016...
the same ****** trials of a variation of zoology -
some look at monkey behaviour,
            others look at how language is cradled in people:
and i'm not even going to bother
elaborating on anything by Chomsky -
which brings me to the following conclusion
(back to Miranda) - i don't believe in fame apparent,
fame apparent, as in: tabloid crap and c.c.t.v.
and 20 nannies and 50 bathrooms, and not being
recognised wearing a virtual reality gear when walking
down a street when otherwise imprisoned on
a television screen rewind - that's not fame,
that's tyranny under the masses -
                         i don't believe in it... which answers
one famous English scientist's question:
why does posthumous fame exist?
                                    it's like that Camus question
about suicide - well... i guess it's a question of
endurance... a bit like a fail-safe mechanism about
why the pyramids are still standing even though
they experienced so much weathering by the elements -
well, as endurance has it: posthumous fame is
filled by introverts...
                                          i dare you to name that
famous Bolshoi ballet dancer, or that famous 1930s
actor or actress... they're part of the extrovert side of
what's called "fame" - but that's only a minor point
i wanted to make... the real zest i already explained -
ah crap, summary in maxim:
   the concept of modern fame is the result of a god
that has been attributed such qualities as omnipresence...
               well, aren't modern celebrities... a bit like that?

I found your letter today, and I went to the woods to read it.
Autumn robbed me of solitude in the tree-cover,
The wind eventually would chase me from the fire-pit.
That broke, then the snow fell accordingly, seasonally.
The solitude returned in the white and cold,
chased everyone else away, to drink and dance in their homes.
I bought my first overcoat before I caught my flight back,
a woolen grey to hide dirt I’d sit on to hide the tag.
In it the inner, right-breast pocket, I held you’re letter.
I remember its first reading in my room, on the coffee table,
taping the scissored quotes from the envelope to my mirror.
I have yet to do anything out of fear. That, I recall I laughed at.

You’d be the reason I move back west,
you’d be the reason I go backwoods,
go suspend myself between roadways.
Albeit, though, despite & regardless,
was my thrill for fear made me wanna talk,
***** the desk drawer for my metal box,
savage my skin on the lonely walk.
If fear is as atomical as you say,
a lie on the tongue of every cell,
then, I could, if you’ll say, meet
every mote as it falls—
put my hand out to see
my first snowflakes.
they are not like this,
they are not like this at all,
so crystalline, back west.

Was fear that hid me this summer from you—
true, I used to fear the way you’d kiss me.
On the dock of the lake drinking wine, I told
that I was terrified then, then retracted,
said I was discomforted by myself.
Back then, way back when, ha,
feelings came thence beyond me
like the King of Pointland dethroned—
“What It thinks, that It utters;
and what It utters, that It hears…”—
myself was suddenly not mine,
I moved unprovoked and unprovoking,
finding myself in my bed
then on the porch smoking,
later then, sitting in your café,
later still, giving you my poetry,
but then, the levees break
and I wake in bed alone and
you’re on the floor in a heap
or, worse, gone soundlessly.
And here I find myself full-suited
in the mess of snow storm,
your letter in hand.

Trip tip-toe step walk into snow; a depth unknown;
trying to light the dark spirit eagle cigarette.
I find a tent in the wilderness and pitch it.
I spend two hours in there, wet, watching snow
build up until the roof gently pushes me out.
I still don’t know if I can read it.
It is only a rereading, but it’s weighty, regardless.
I emerge from the woods to the hill overlooking my life,
embanked by a line of pine. I stop here, relight myself.
The ash blends with the snowflakes
and the snowflakes melt when they touch the paper.
Have you loved? God, it’s an assurance I want.
Really, though, could I doubt it? if it is
only my love that I deem insufficient
to recquit the typed affection before me.
I kneel and read further.

To my surprise a golden-furred dog ran up to me.
He licked me, he smelled your letter, he smiled
and asked me to pet him and to not despair.
Leave it to an animal, beast in the snow
to so recognize, too, significance.
“How do I feel?” The beast frowned,
nothing hurts more than being asked
what you mean.
I got up and left when the owner’s whistle
called him away from me.

Walking back I found that I was missing a glove.
I looked behind me and I saw –against, -down the hill
the left-hand black-leathered eyelash in my tracks.
It was the same hand that you dropped from the dock
into the water this Christmas which I fished out and
fought off your apologies with. How I loved you then.

Then I must re-emerge onto the surrounding fields
and am hit with the wind that I hid from so well
in tree-cover. Then I must grapple with the life
I only half-cherish. Must think in sentences
and hyphenated-words—and dashes! ****** them.
Then, then, then! What happens next! eh?
In the steam tunnels with Carter, smoking, I said,
“I am ruled by fear. Even now I’m palpitant.”
I wrote, in the movie theater, whiskey in the soda cup,
“I am addicted fear, or so I have surmised.”
Hush, hush, hush!

If I fear I cannot love, I know that much.
If I love, as I believe I do, then I am only in denial.
True, small enough to see pure perfection, molecular.
Like the snowflakes back home which, too, are crystalline.
But it’s not visible to the naked eye, thus inconceivable,
given you’ll probably forget it. So it is dead to me.
No, God's not dead he's just not that kind of guy.
Brr, the decisive breeze. Well, then.

shovel and hoof and the falling hood of death, worth a dozen eggs ate, as a Jew prayed to the name, whether horse or wheat be made sacrificially holy and all else be made be sacrificially sound - or a dozen children for the ***** of Adolph for jokes and iconoclastic propaganda... even i know that Adolph overthrew the rites of Abraham given Eva Braun... and whenever the whip, i'd cuddle a paraphrase for a never-figured-out venture that led to a cul de sac... and oh the rich ladies charcoal their fingerprints into nothing more than crime desirable signatures.*

Algorithm next door: another lashing of ***** maxim encyclopedia - i.e. the numbers, and subsequent replicas... brr brr bring on the clone army; and the fiddler on the roof said: if i were rich man... ha shem, translated: o horse, o cow-dung... had i but a name a name equal to yours: as mother said, Samuel - Son of Noel: sweat for chamomile tea brew...and with truce: dumb enough to build the pyramids: dumb enough to build, and thus inherit... said the Palatine Palestinian: or come to my Arctic warmth and lick the ice... for fear that insomnia might be the thief of your dreams... pa pa plumb! sha! gerrrrman schtil! let''s call culture a truant mind-set... and later count the grades as gutter of what became known as Harvard... in orifice the neon twilight to nuance the open pupil of inspector lizard, the mammal, a cat, thus petted, in cat abhorred to suit a lion's mane, and the hairdresser: and with Chopin they made entree with state-held diagnosis of Donald Duck, abbreviated with media: niet!

It's a bit too cold
in this ugly Christmas sweater
made badly, quickly by my grandmother
when she did such things for me.

I'm sitting in my room, legs pulled to my chest
shivering through my long pants and wool
finger shaking, palms clammy and cold
but somehow managing to type out these letters to you.

You tell me you're so oh so warm
where you are right now, in your little house
just on the very edge of the forest
cheeks rosy and sweet, just like the rest of you.

Brr, it's too cold outside
to be this giddy
but I am regardless of the weather
you kiss my head in the dark.

And I wake up, then, all alone
teardrops dripping from my eyes, nose running and frozen
in this horrible Christmas sweater
and I don't think I will be warm ever again.

Dee heartgelds murried Maryy
Cask'd für Da Fodder's phyre
Felled him, made a mar'tyr
Chiree bert' a brr't boat.

Oedipus'd warned the learned
But not one had understooded -
Limpstanding on da watwa alone,
Dey dün drowninged all hope.

Wellcoming sis' sycos,
Snuffing out day shadows,
They've lost the cool brethren
Wit' whom first they formed home.

Bow ye!, b'rned ages' 'hero-anes',
Left unto the devicies' blows
Of half-manboy's gross vices,
Walled legion agao-in, cooin' be-side 'em, a-shem'D.

you can’t do this when you do this for that
I said

she was Folding

oh so hurriedly!
all the time
in that
Eraserhead style

brr!

only to be replaced
for the next

only to be replaced
for the next

which is not here yet
and will never be

you can’t do this when you do this for that
I said

like a chorus to her verse
of each of these layers
she blindly holds
as if in her hands

with a duh! and a ****!
my layers against hers’
finally she hears!

and at once
transforms
to
her dress
socks
shirt
*******
blouse

one by one

by
my song

such a hard hit
only once
tinkles
now as a mantra
in her head

unfolding

all her
hidden
layers
slowly
and  patiently

I am fine you know
having just one
everyday still is a different day
by the light
I shine

takes a bit of courage maybe
but she will  learn
someday
and
on that
heartfelt day

she will
be
an  earnest
puppet
like me

and sing
just as I say

you can’t do this when you do this for that

it really doesn't help to write your **** and have some cyborg
alternator typo it - even after a bottle of whiskey -
what? that's basically tweeting, isn't it?
i'm competing with 140 date that dot -
i have to wake up at 12 o'clock and
feel being needed, water the garden, make a steak
and chippie meal with fungus
sauce, then get myself ready for
the Bolshoi don quixote, originally
choreographed by Marius Petipa to the music
of Ludwig Minkus -
i have to admit Swan Lake was more like
STOMP - among the garbage cans -
a ******* centipede spectacle, or a thousand
ants in the gym! - what a headache -
what a ******* headache -
i love being crude and blind toward what's
dubbed high culture... i won't
be drinking a cosmopolitan with that,
a shy whiskey while taking a **** in a cubicle
where the **** goes... fun fun fun.
tomorrow's Petipa show, or oof af rag a muffin whiff woo...
takes the steam from  stiff upper lip,
makes Dublin global... get pissy of the Guinness you'll
beat all the models on the catwalk in Paris...
eyes underwater - i'm seeing do do double! burp.
or so minded. dabbed the dab and sleepwalked
the rest of it... impressions of the mummified monkey -
they love their novels because they hate their
Ensō - they love their Zen, hate their Tao Buddy Bud, Bud -
they want to read in bed - god forgive them -
i'd write the diabolic of what i'm doing right now,
but it'd be a waste of paper, you keep it to your imaginings -
ha - short-script, the the repetition doesn't matter;
and while on the street i cherub sang to a sinking of
cleaning those papa Blanc shoes - who said less trip
or tip toe but shoo shoo shoo - i was
the first Aboriginal Black in Candy Skin Ah-merry-ca-ca-ca...
people were missing the cancan dances while
i was being forged from **** splendour... into
the Irish version of a tatty up my ****...
oh now they love me... they payed their month's wages
just to see the boxing match: Tiny Titus v. the Ice Lodger
Bjørg - the former out cold... while we scalped and
skinned chickens, and for the first time we thought
we had hope... cinnamon was added to savoury dishes...
it was like discovering the steam engine!
m'eh m'eh m'eh... Mongolian harmonica and the lip
fuelled propeller boats... brr (it's cold when it's humid
down under in the forked excess skin of the tongue);
god, strap me to a shady alley in Paris -
god, strap me to a shady alley in Amsterdam -
or better still, send me to a village on the Faroe Islands -
away from this anorexic-trying-to-look-pretty people...
send me to a place where the news is the only anorexia,
where people hunt Orcas and eat the blubber -
i want to be there... **** Barbados and that sacred sand
of beaches with slobbering great whites -
send me further north to the doom, and gloom -
well of course keep your pride-riddled Brits and
their auxiliary eager Irish Gnomes on Parade -
20 children in a diameters of a cubic mile -
about 2 paedophiles slurring their speech wet Koranic
style giving up cigarettes and alcohol for a teeny tiny
hole or a mole's eye socket fitting to try the shoe...
ever notice? she really looks like a dolphin...
esp. if she's entitled to be called Lady rather than Mrs.,
god they do look gooey glamorous -
fat fingers budget fat rings of fated diamonds
ready for the Jewish pawn shop - fake Rolex... half price!
it's one thing that the art of poetry is so passe (acute too, yes,
eat eat e and take to the bullring) -
or so elitist - call in the psychiatrists! but it's another
to deliberately make us seem illiterate - or half so,
in that we write a formula of lubrication, and
are represented by friction - you almost want to correct
your faults... but it become frustrating in the end...
so you don't bother... poetry - the pauper...
avant garde artist - the king, pretentious in itself -
if only St. Peter cut off a nose rather than the ear...
i wouldn't be watching the complete X-files
with Krebsmensch being frustrated about not
being a published author - funny how good
people become evil, among apathetic people either side.

so these cowboy roofers are currently
refurbishing my roof with new tiles...
it started raining like a ******* this
night... and they evidently ******
something up... so much for the
"protestant work ethic"...
     last time i checked the catholics were
more dutiful...
          i had rainwater coming from the ceiling...
towels! ****! bring me towels!
             so that worked... for about 10 minutes
before the towels were soaked in rainwater...
   i went into the kitchen and sat akimbo
   and like elijah cognitively "prayed": please...
let it stop raining!
            it didn't stop, so i had to take to
auxiliary measures...
      first it was a large *** stuffed with
                                   kitchen paper, so that it might
fall padded by the paper into the ***...
            expecting the rain to fall way into
the day i took a sieve and stuffed it with kitchen
paper...
             then i took a glass "jug" that might
entertain flowers and placed it into the sieve
that was resting on the cooking ***...
                 then i thought: give it an hour, give it
an hour...
                  sessioned myself to jerking off...
       so much for prayer... the rain stopped...
                 went into my bedroom to look at the damage...
towels gone, soaking wet hanged on
the washing line...
                  it was only a droplet "waterfall"...
i should have listened to it, to get the "heartbeat"
rate of the droplets of water falling into glass...
            that thing that happened today? London-town?
i didn't hear about it until the 9pm news...
           for some reason i felt this giant
kraken-like demand for gravity pulling me into
my bed for the entire day...
               "protestant" work "ethic"...
  ******* made a hole in my roof, my room is streaming
water into my warm privacy and i'm supposed
to argue: the "protestant work ethic"... the ****?
           england imported former communist state
workers... because the ******* in their
homeland just turned lazy, cranked up some
caribbean vibes and jiggled themselves into
a ******* wheelchair, all of them pretending:
   i'm as smart as stephen hawking! d'uh!
and so ***** the seagull the d'uh impression for retards.
      there's no other way for it!
that's what billy oh'really said about: the name of allah...
that's tautology! you just said two names
  and forgot about the entity!
                          if it ain't there... then i'm going to say:
we really didn't excavate dinosaur bones
    and store them in the museum...
                 tautology! you de-categorised two words
that belong in the same category! nouns! names!
         the nerd in me, ah...
                    ******* impressive contraption by the way...
a ***... kitchen el dorado of paper (one sheet! ****!)
  a sieve and then this glass "shard" you'd put
flowers into... by the way... this existential "       " =
i'm really too ****** to look for accurate nouns...
     so let's make it a bit ambiguity and
keep the pace of expression; that's all... nothing else...
         so what was happening in london today?
  apparently i sat akimbo in the kitchen and hoped
it would stop raining...
               a great flatness... i chased two cats away
from the kitchen door handle... the hulk maine ****
can easily open it with its paw...
           tensed up... chased him away to sleep...
   i swear i could now say that i was bound to be weeping
last night...
             don't really know... alcohol consumption
shortens the memory...
              yesterday? today? tomorrow? yesterday; really?
but there's one plus regarding today...
        tesco is having a clear-out...
   it's doing mt. gay est. 1703 *** at under
15 quid... barbados... ***... and there's even a story:
        a legal deed dated 20th february 1703...
   the existence of *** still house...
                        sugar cane estate on Barbados...
          the world's oldest *** producer...
            now it's called the richard bramson (branson?
            brownson bromson brewmason? brr! said
    the sparrow in the fountain, 'avin a winter scrub)
company, formerly known as ******, now
simply known as eclipse.
   it's like i wasn't supposed to write anything today,
what with calamity jane scenarios leading up
to me, actually writing something.
                      really, a sight to disbelieve, that giant
***, that sieve and the tissues inside both, and
that flower glass container sitting in the sieve and
the rain...
              isn't it so though?
               listening to mainstream media...
        they're not reporting what's happening,
they're just sketching... and i mean sketching,
they want to keep the monetary momentum...
               first it's 4 dead (including the terrorist)...
then it's 5 dead (including the policeman)...
          by the time historians get in on the action
it will be: 100 years later and 40 dead...
                                    mainstream media is like that...
no one cares about indie music these days,
it's all about indie media... indie news...
             which evidently ends up with really ******
music being produced...
                             i was listening in on it and i was thinking:
24/7 society... what's the news?
                        just 4... then... just 5...
                              100 years later: the actual number
was about a hundred...
                       knife + knife + car = chaos!
                                    imagine if that was:
       knife + hammer + car.
                               that's mainstream media for you...
you're teased and have to experience
   a delay button type of coverage...
             they hush the whole scenario...
         first they say it was only 4, then they do
a little bit of arithmetic and add it up to 5...
           but in actual fact it's much more than that...
  and they're so bewildered these days that they're
nearing the status of dinosaurs...
                                       it's the 21st century... hello?!

Just like an emergency moment
The Siren of my bed alarm banged -
-Brrr-Brr- Brrriiiirrrr
And like and obedient dog to the call of its own
I picked the speed of light
And rushed out of the stage of my dream

Picking myself like a bullent been shot
I dashed from room to room
Working myself up to meet the sunrise

But, lo, again I failed
Yes, I failed hurribly
Cos, I woke up on the wrong side of the Time
Wow! my wrong side of the Time.

I wish...I wish....oh!How I wish...
My man would take me in his arms......his arms........his arms.
Throw me onto the bed....the bed
Take of his shirt.....his shirt and I hear the sound of
Washity  wist....washity wist
of the washing machine,
Vroom whirrrr,  vroom whirr
of the vacuum cleaner,
Brr brr Barr of the dishwater.
When I wake up the house is clean, the kettle is whistling,
My macho man.
Keep fingers crossed,lady.

Window
I push it down
So that breeze comes through
Ahh
Wind where
It
Now
Dances
O
Weekdays
Brr cold this month

sensitivity: or the bearing of (a) soul...
i am almost tempted - no, i was:
almost tempted to omit the indefinite article
in that sentence,
it almost "almost" sounds better...
hence a "rephrasing":

    sensitivity: or the bearing of soul...

because it's not unlike the soul is something
either definite or indefinite that requires
some grammatical forensic articulation

say, unlike the Freudian trinity ego egg and ****
that schematic monstrosity of
19th century (late 19th century)
bourgeoise neurotic-sensibilities
fetishised by people with enough
luxury: time, money to evaluate ciphers
in dreams...

no no, oh no... none of that...

i've come to a parallel vision,
by now there have been two focal women in my life:

my life is a tragic echo-chamber realism,
it's like i'm utterly attached to reality
albeit - not however - consummating olden
wordings... hmm... a hmm for every hunchback
ghost-limb scratch...

zahnschleifenliebe:
apostrophes the raised commas...

i've come to a parallel vision,
the women per se but more to the point:
how these women sheltered me from media ingestion,
so much so that i can positively make

Russia and Kauai (Hawaii) synonyms in terms
of how little exposure i had to
the brainwashing fabric / fabrication of
they grey man of reaction - the mob facet, pivot...

a month in Russia (with the language barrier)
and a month on Kauai...
because there's no IN relating to Hawaii...
in Russia implies: a land-locked geography,
you can never be IN Hawaii,
you are always somehow ON Hawaii...
a ship or something, most certainly an island:
and spin-spin-go-go going nowhere...
no one says (i think, therefore probably n00b)
i'm in... no wait...

doesn't matter...
leading articles in the Saturday Times
november 18 2023... the editorial section...
what's not to like?
i.e. defenders of the apostrophe are right
to admire this versatile linguistic device...

elses' sloppy...

         residents of Twyford, Hampshire,
dispossessed by the council's adoption
(i was almost fine with the spelling adoptation,
until i realised... porridge partridge
creases in white shirts, ****)

         St. Mary's Terrace a St. Marys Terrace...
apostrophe as indicator of 's: possessive article
since... the plural article is simple s
and the possessive plural article is s'

      and no S'S... schultzschnoofstafforshire!
brr... coldness of memory reaching as far back
as the finest army uniforms ever on show:
that Hugo Boss brigade: because what good
is the Holy Scripture without the Holy Evil
of the Nazis... admiration...
can't compare: since it's so easily revised and
thrown at opposition by the left... oids...
lefty politics is better than religion in terms
of it being a neo-******...
it's what gets my heart in a flutter
   whenever i feel apathetic...
   can't beat a mythological case for pure evil...

ah... me off on a tangent...
two months in my life i was sheltered from being
influenced by media... all done by women
with the Edenic rapture of ***...
once at 21 with a 19 year old
and once at 37 with a 55 year old...
as a ****** i covered the whole Cold War
dynamic, ****** for both sides
and ****** both sides
and thus still strapped to the Mniema...
Niemy - dumbfounded Germanic
sieve...          third cousin from Saxon
through Dutch to English... wasps...

            so it's almost ridiculous how i made
English a language of choice of how to express
while those sorry sods write about
identity politics and immigration mentality...
i'm just bothered that i can't be exactly
Essex accented because my standard cosmopolitan
London 'ing-leash is just so...
    
oh i got drunk last night... i had to...
never in all the shifts i worked at Wembley
did i manage to get home so quickly...
waited 0.5sec for the Metropolitan line at
Wembley park station,
then waited 2min at Finchley road for the jubilee
line... 4 stops to Bond street
and "waited" / utilised the time to walk
the entire platform for the Elizabeth line...
then 3min waiting for the 499 bus
so i had time to buy myself a bottle of cider
get off the bus and drink it at a bus stop...
pre-drinking... marvelous pouring rain...
like... shattering of a mirror...
a shattering of a mirror into a nth term
eye mandala of Jung... or Tool...

shift finished early by 10:30pm
and i was happily in my garden drinking at 11:50pm
the harder liquor...

but on the train...
hmm... wooden ring deterrent...
so could have thought, but no...
she spotted me coming in at Tottenham Court Rd
stood in the aisle... played with her hair...
fiddled with it at first then pretended to
put it in a bun...
admired herself in the glass...
well... i wasn't having much fun listening
to Wardruna's Fehu or Helvegen...
so by the time she sat down across me
and phoned a friend i had already muted the music
and started listening...

bad date... no... a funny date...
oh jeez the complications... a shorter guy...
same matted hair...
easy conversation and no... over dinner...
no drinking...
but all this flirting...
standing on my feet for 12 hours straight
started to massage my legs...
what the hell does she do?
exposes her knees...
                                     subtle clues and cues...
this whole bonanza of a woman playing
with her hair...
in close proximity...
i know the psychological mantra spewed
into making our behaviours predictably constipated
like we've lost our own mystery...
like philosophy reached a cul de sac
when psychology became mainstream...
i don't want to hear it...
i still want to be mesmerised by...
an ontological perfume... a trace of being:
not a full-blown existential schematic
of / for automatons / zombies...

rule of thumb regurgitation (of) reincarnations,
perhaps it was the age-power dynamic
of i'm older she's younger
i have signs of grey implying wizened
where my beard begins and no sideburns "exist"
and yes: she didn't have a chance to show-off her
dress... and yes... i did notice she had
furry eyebrows or at least she fashioned
them like so...
        by now i'm rekindling the strange commute
because i played along
with the subtleties of flirt
   implying that i was covertly replying to her
almost subliminal messaging tactic...
hell: come to think it... this wasn't subliminal!

next thing i'll hear another doppelganger comparison
that i've stolen the shadow of Brad Pitt
or Chris Hemsworth... pity i have a ******
looking surname like ****** or Stalin...
but i will not be called Matt when i stress to be called
by my name proper...
someone at work once said:
only my mother gets to call me Matthew...
well in my case i'm Mateo... so... debunking Italian
in the Dąbrowski March...

oh yeah... there are only one or two maybe three
decent national anthems...
the French the Polish and the Russians
have the most appealing national anthems...
just like there's a genius to Abba
but hardly any in the Beatles... period...

so much for music:

gladius Rōmae imperī sum,
ubi’st nostrum imperium?
nē plōrā, mater Rōma,
dēnuō flōrēbis

Βελισάριος Βελισάριος - Oₕ        Aₕ
                                                  ₑₔₑₙ'ₛ

                            Eden's Siamese chim'pan'zees...

U turn into (∇) the nebula of Nabla:

(ego): Σ of being....

      Σsum =  fractus + fractus
1/2 + 2/1
ergo              Σsum = -1/2 always...

the half that's constantly missing you...
the power of *** and the dangers of ***...
i should have learned it at the brothel...
but it was all oh so casual like treating meat
in cuts before ensuring that the *******
were saved for the main course on a different
day and the rest of the chicken was used
to make a clear chicken soup
with carrots, leeks, parsley roots, celery,
celeriac...
this emotional investment is...
   a liberation and a project of self-awareness:

how will i try to sound less synthetic less
robotic?

i'm not even trying to be cryptic but my heart
is complicating what i want to say
and i don't want to say what it feels
with my cognitive wants,
notably utilising noun or verb crutches...

which is why i want to conjure "lesser" historical
figures... not that Philip Augustus of France
is a "lesser" figure... not when coupled
to the dynamic of Henry II, John and Richard I...
while Charlemagne stands alone...

by now this piece of writing has become music...
there is no investment in plot...
language can become just that... music or painting...
there's no conveying of direction,
there's no wisdom, wisdom as direction...
to hell with Levant wisdom...
i'll be the last man of the north
to listen to the "wisdom" of the desert...
i will dearly cut off this influence from my psyche...
gladly crucified the ****** and so be done with it:

to the point where, professionally:
we tried to stamp out racism with anti-racism:
i can't be an anti-racist...
i find racists a rather funny breed of people...
racism expressed unintentionally is
so rewarding... because it follows from
the basic principle of colour as meaning:
traffic... red is stop, amber is be ready
and green is flow... even though blue is more associated
with flow... then again... most rivers look green...
well... beside the Thames sun and concrete starved...

not since Ginsberg's poem i heard the word
***** hair coming from... well...
some sort of Arab, given his name was Fawad...
so some ****** version of piglet-pink
not marred by the cold of the north of Europe...
oh hell... we're in this together somehow...
no impeding Mongolian horde yet still
the best horror story i ever heard came
from my father:

i had a childhood friend once...
he committed suicide...
why? he was seeing this girl...
then the girl started to **** my father's friend's father...
epic horror story...
which is sort of me... right now...
i can conjure up this insecurity in
my current relationship...
she could easily take to my father
and usher out my mother into the street...
i like this fetish-fear...
it's a phobia-philia...
    anti-Oedipal and more: Kronos affirming...
just like i like the idea of the ancient Roman
practice of fostering children...
because i have no gene-incentive to speak of
because genes are fractions while
ideas are whole numbers... fetishist par excellence:

fluid French thinking, if thinking is French or was...
oh but it sort of it... since pragmatism is English
and thinking for thinking's sake is
not really pragmatic it therefore must be French
and if anything is to be resolved it has to be resolved
on Greenwich Mean Time terms... blah blah...

for now, just that... an exercise in writing.

please understand the drunk is not the sober writer of this... but whereas people go to cinemas and stuff their gobs with sweet popcorn and sugary drinks, i go into the other cinema that the catholic church is (to me at least), and engage in what's permitted, i.e. distributed... what? i'm moving it up a notch... brr... wine will not warm you up north... you need some liquor... i'm just waiting for this one centurion to jump out from behind the altar, with a sponge soaked with ***** on a stick, moving it toward that awry mouth... no? sistus legionus mustus not coming? **** me... this is better than going to the cinema! and! and! it's free! so no, no thank you, i'll bring my own sacrament.*

oh i go to church,
but only on special
events,
o.k., ****,
it only happened
once,
   at a christmas
vigil (24th december)...
  and i sat in the back
row,
refusing to take
communion -
sipping a 35cl bottle
of *****,
   listening to
nuns imploring
the gathering of faithfuls
to pray for alcoholics -
sure, you pray
for me,
i'll drink for you.

title: no baguette
body:
chilly banquet:
pigeons chuckle
and... no coo.                  bad gateway bypass, again.

less of a Nietzsche in me than an Alfred Jarry...
although i'm not that short...
and i wouldn't be close to fishing on the Seine...
although: Paris would be lovely...
managed to get a slot for 3pm with Nicky...
this... bombshell of a woman:
fluctuating bloom of a body...
   how women become irresistible at a certain
age... when they're fully matured...
a bit like... the infatuation i have with autumn's
decay perfumery...
i guess that coy glance her assistant gave me
when she booked me... poor little thing...
probably in her teens... eh... i'll pass..
but this full bodied oomph! my god...
sends a man crazy...
               so booked in for 3pm...
   cycled back to the library and picked up
a bundle of orange recycling bags...
walked into a supermarket and stocked up on
whiskey and pepsi...
in the background... hmm...
          i know this song...
          the 1990's age of new innocence...
  Shanice Wilson - i love your smile...
          oh my my... music used to be so much fun...
back when... fun was around...
        when capitalism was capitalism
and communism was: well... not Chinese capitalism...
fun times... fun time to be born...
the internet wasn't even liquidating minds
into hives and taboo and pseudo-tribes...
  whatever... fun times... you still had grounded
telephones... dial: dial...
           you could ******* into the world and
be sort of... em... "uninterrupted"?
mobile... i.e. that's called a bicycle... not a smartphone...
but there was a precursor to all the nostalgia
i can associate with that song...
men... women...
is masculinity introspective...
   while femininity is retrospective?
                just juggling an idea...
sure... i have the capacity for memory...
                 i think back... but... i never learn from
past mistakes...
   i learn from... shutting down... withdrawing...
that's: introspection...
no... no... it's not that clear-cut...
   i think it's a "dichotomy" a compound... complex...
of introspection-retrospection...
but i never know which is which when
looking at old people...
     old men seem rather conflated with introspection...
while old women...
well... they seem to be bewildered by...
something from the past...
    their youth? their predicament of being...
well... classical depictions of philosophers...
old men... bearded... fading but with enough bite in
them to make you chuckle at their prescriptions...
old women? fiddler on the ******* roof:
match-makers? agony-aunts?!
      i'm lucky in that respect... at least men try to
give genuine advice...
        well... it's more: give genuine narratives
of experience...
    i don't even focus on the men that tally up their
count of women slept with...
sure... that would be great... but... ugh...
the idea of the... the antonym of the horcrux...
splitting one's soul by... no... not killing someone...
loving someone... that too can split your soul...
if it wasn't with the prefix hor-...
   meta-, tetra-, ortho-... para-...
                       ah.. right... hor- for horizontal...
ergo... the opposite "magic" is...
    ver-: vertical... the vercrux...
            what's my vercrux count? oh... i'd say...
in the decent count of 10...
                     but... hmm... Isabella...
Priya... Promis... Ilona... Tamara...
               Milena... Samantha... another Samantha...
Gemma... another Gemma... Janina...
Fiona...
               ah... and i'm with neither...
               what a relief...
i see my father and think: to harrow all the while
in order for a woman to keep the economy
afloat... shoes... this... that and something other:
beside food, alcohol, vinyl... barber shops...
bicycle shops...
                  i'm such a primitive creature...
brothels...
           cigarettes...
                     life can be so pleasant when its
simplicity is cherished...
                   gust of wind... taking a ****...
holding onto *******... waiting for a dark alley
to do the deed... or a cubicle...
        ooze... ooze...
             furry stuff... like shaking off some sweat...
brr... that's the best estimate of what i'm thinking of...
or thinking about etymology like a "counter-argument"
against the rigid Darwinism of: history died...
because... the ape has become an impasse in
the mind of man...
               predictable whittle man...
   rigid psychologism...
                               that the expectations of predictability
are rife... well... no wonder history is sort
of... on a whim: a whimsical: maybe(?)
   what with the journalistic insomnia...
with no Sabbath... Monday... Monday...
nothing ever happens on a Monday - in newspapers...
the slimmest editions...
   - and it is a sunny day... and it is windy...
perfecto! now to the barber shop  to the Turk
for a trim of the beard & moustache...
   & more whiskey...
measured drinking tonight...
     but... tomorrow: tomorrow... after i finish at 1am
and probably get some around 4am...
an **** of drinking...
             last time i heard only the central and victoria
lines were striking their nightshifts...
so i'll be good to go using the jubilee to get back to
Stratford and buckle into snooze
on the N86 back to Romford...
          buzzing... priming myself for a knockout...
life: has oddly become, once more...
quintessentially bearable... i feel rejuvenated like
a child; looking at other people in the public square...
i think that's rare.

midnight hides a fear
that stops the winter winds whizz
brr chills my spine

the night silhouette
birthed the morning joy of spring
aww flowers bloomed

sun shown in orange
for my orange trees harvest
oh it looks so nice

hot air brought me joy
heaps of orange start mounting
tut the trees thorns pricked

blood flowed down my leg
fluffs well up tears in my eyes
yuk some juice then spilt

the summer bees smiled
to make sweeter the orange
hmmm more juice filled my drums

I smelt autumn leaves
that scents the butterflies love
wow I love those wings

joy then filled my tanks
I'd dance like monkeys this fall
shhh my pain's now my gain