you can try to swim the sea
you can try to hold the breeze
but say goodbye to you and me
you can try with skin and bones
but you will end up all alone
you can try to hide the sun
but say goodbye to everyone

when you run make sure you run
to something and not away from

Bible
Cigarette
31 candles
Death Certificate
Eulogy
Memorial Service Program
Obituary
May 2012 letter from Erin
Two crocodiles
African Coffee
A Crucifix
Crucifix
Avett Brothers

Jade's love
Rob's love (a Lion's love)

Ashes

You and your favorites

So:
Go Ahead
Chuck tonight's stardust
Through the screen door

I don't mind my freckle's
Illuminati

Confirm:
Scar tissue's
a weaker skin
seal, yes?

Your ashes in my hand
Beneath a bag of
Japanese sand

Same fate:
Ocean

A USPS
Worker slapped
the "Cremated Remains"
Sticker on the box of
You

$25 and 8,000 miles

You in a box

I lay you on
Bob Marley's
Freedom Song

Item by item
I cry

A scar tissue
tear
    and tears

I'll learn to dance with
A limp like
Anne Lamott does

I  still crave much more
Of you than I need

But:
Who knew palm fronds
Are lined in metal too?

Memories that
Don't fade    (illuminate)
Don't stale    (crisp)
Don't mold   (cleanse)

So
Attach a bag of dust
to a day dream's balloon

Send you off to my
fondest memories

To the sea
To the sea
To the sea

can you tell that I'm alive?
Let me prove it to you.

Music is a wonderful inspiration
It is one of the only things in this world that makes me feel such emotion
that it’s almost a physical feeling
I know that all emotions affect the human body physically
But, music impacts me in a different way
When I’m listening to The Avett Brothers
I feel this wonderful and amazing pressure in between my chest and my stomach
The closest thing I could describe it as is a light inside me
I don’t know what I would do without music
It is simply pure magic
Magic that has the power to change moods
touch hearts
and even hurt people
Music is one of the only things all human beings have in common
Even if you’re one of those people who say they don’t like music
It lies within every person
I truly believe that music is born in us

I’m standing on the edge of a broken porch in New Jersey,
pink 3 AM clouds around a bowl of stars.
This jacket’s been warm for nine years.

Yes,
I still despair sometimes.
But I am learning to claw out of it by writing it.

Also, Jesus.

Tonight on this porch I’m thinking
what are symbols of happiness, what is
happiness, experience of it, etc.

I think of:
driving an overpass into the city tonight
all that color like spilled Christmas lights
like driving up into the sky.

--Think of:
7th grade boy with an earring and soft eyes.  
Angelo.  His name is.
Translating the story into Spanish for his friend.

--Of:
The blue, the green.  Of the reef.
Pacific silence.  Coconut cathedral.

Of: The Avett Brothers song, The Perfect Space.
Of friends who are like that.

: Africa, all seasons.


Also,
Jesus

Second chances exist in the smell of pine needles on a winter day
A walk as the day wakes, bleary eyed and yawning
As dawn breaks to show sunlight over the steepest cliff
The wind in my hair even after I swore I’d shave it off

It exists in the Avett brother songs
Words I learned from someone I used to hate
Melodies that help me heal even now
While the record spins by my bed and I feel like like I’m just now breathing for the first time
The birds chirp to their tune and I can’t help but sigh deep,
in and out

Second chances exist in these moments I’ve crafted
The smell of a candle from a friend long ago
A necklace someone once thought I’d hate
On the dresser my mother built for me
Books I shared with the girl I grew up with
Pages I prayed she’d hold dear even when we parted
A well loved shirt and a hope for my future

Of coffee and cold mornings with you by my side
As we dance to no song, in time
Step, and swing.
You in my arms and your love in my heart.
Onward, towards nothing in particular.

today,
ill think back on the good times
the honest laughs
the loving kiss
the first kiss
the last kiss

today,
ill think back on the good times
the sunday football games
the sunday baseball games
the time you choked me
the time you hit me
the time you poured water on me
the time you made me apologies for all those times

today,
ill think back on the good times
the times where sports were fun
when coaches were my friends dads
when coaches didn't yell
when coaches were friends
when coaches did degrade
when coaches didn't care
when coaches were fun
when sports were fun
when sports were a relief
when sports were me

today,
ill think back on the good times
when we went to the avett brothers concert
when we went to the green day concert
when we hid in your room
when we cried together
when you painted my nails
when you dug your nails into my arm
when you yelled at me for chores
when you cried to me
when I broke your heart
when I was your brother

today,
ill think back on the good times
the times you took me shopping
every time you were there when I needed you
when you came down on my crying
when you found my ****
when I broke your heart
when I became detached as your son
when you found out I cut myself
when you found out I have three counselors
when you found out I failed second grade
when you had my back
when you stopped the monster
when you protected me from the monster
when you helped me become me
when you taught me gay is normal
when you taught me theater is cool
when you taught me to express myself
whenever you let me buy blue shoes
or skinny jeans
or medium sized shirts
thank you, for everything.