I cannot tell whether we are friends.
I do not know how you are seeing me.
Friends or more than that.

I check websites like a teenager who fell in love for the first time to seek for any clues to find out your true feelings for me.
Your attitude marks as if you are not interested in me more than just a friend when I look up "signs your crush is not into you" pages.
Your behavior indicates that I am more than just a friend to you when I skim through "signs your crush is also into you" pages.

I hardly think we should date, even if we are both in love with each other.
Because I don't think we are compatible.
Because I am scared of any other rejection.
Because you have been one of my closest friends for years.
Because I am not strong enough to cut out my ex-boyfriend who might be the one for me.

I do not want to lose someone important in my life ever again.
Especially you. You are essential in my life.
But I do not want to miss out any possibility if we could be the best couple on earth.
I know I look sneaky by holding a chance to get back with my ex-boyfriend. But I am not into him at all currently, just he has been also one of the closest friends so I do not want to lef go of him if he is the one for me.
Someone guide me, please. Someone who knows the future, please guide me to the right decision.

You are not interested in me. It is as clear as pure water.
I have someone else. It is as evident as the sun is shining.

But I fell for you. Secretly, but certainly. Although I have someone else next to me, you know he cheated on me. You know how much he has hurt me. However, you believe that I still love him and that my feelings for him are unwavering whatsoever.

Have you ever found me lovable, even in the slightest degree, in our 8-year friendship? I cannot help being anxious and envious of the sore gaze she can give to you. I cannot express any of these feelings of mine to anyone, though...

I am just happy to be with you. My heart soars when I see you smile. Sitting next to you is just enough for me. Please do not notice tears on my cheek.

When I think of how warm your body is, her face comes up in my mind.
When I arouse myself by recalling how your kisses traced on my skin, my brain instantly makes me imagine her face that she is feeling your touch too.
When I am saving my breath at a brisk night so that I won't be quashed by missing you, the scene that you two snuggled in my favorite blanket to warm up together in your room is also reminded.

I feel you are contaminated.
I feel your clothes, your underwears, your bed, your room that you brought her behind my back, your car, your town, the memories we created together with all of these -contaminated.

She is not your "cool" friend. She is a devil wearing a mask of a benevolent person.

I feel my body sinking deep down on the bed.
With all the emptiness, sadness, madness, longing and agony, I am still thinking of you.
Checking my cell every ten seconds, I confirm you have not texted me and imagine what you are doing now.

Did I mean even a bit to you? You said the time we spent together was the most precious time in your life. But really?
You said you are still in love with me. Then how could you hurt someone who is most important to you with someone who is "not that"?

I still revolve around the same questions again and again. My body feels heavy, I am drowning down right here.

The pains you left in me.
The pains by you stabbing my heart with dull knives.
Nevertheless, you won't let me forget about you. You are still right in my heart, repeating all our times with pure joy in my eyes.


With my heart bleeding, I am still trying to move forward and walk my own path alone, pretending I am getting fine.
In reality, all in confusion, I am still stuck in the very same place and cannot stop questioning what was the truth and what future to pursue from now on.
Should I wait for you? Or should I just put all our shared dreams down? Can I forgive you albeit all the pains and shattered trust?


I miss you.
I know it is not the right time to face you -but I am terribly missing you.