so you came back
            so what
            so now every poem
                          every love letter
                          every "this is not a poem but"
                          every "this is not a love letter but"
                          every "okay, so this is definitely a poem and that is certainly a love letter"
they're all irrelevant now
every night I spent at the bottom
of the mariana trench holding
my breath waiting for you to
take it again
every morning I woke up with
a pillow wetter than niagara falls
and a chest so empty
                for so long
it has still not adjusted to this life
without your heart tucked away
under my ribs
but now that you're here again
and I've got you so close that I can
feel your heartbeat through
my back
your arms wrapped around me
surrounded by the peacefulness
of sleep
and innocence
I find myself constantly touching you
counting your fingers or staring at you
for so long that it begins to get weird
but you don't get it
you've been gone for so long that these
details have somehow escaped
my memory
how soft your hair is
and
how perfectly your hands fit into mine
how tall you are
how long I could hug you
and how
I would never need to let go
or come up for air
             so what
             so you're back now and it isn't fair
for me to hold onto this sadness
             so it's time for me to forgive
                                           and forget
only how am I supposed to forget
this feeling
or
this lack thereof
how am I supposed to forgive you
for nearly killing me
for throwing me over board
for ignoring the SOS of my silence
for forcing me to spend my nights alone
on the ocean floor
you knew I was afraid of drowning
and you tied these cinder blocks
of empty promises to my feet
but you know
and you knew I would be powerless in this
war of holding grudges
        of pride
you know and you knew that when
it comes to you I am always left waiting
with open arms and a hopeful heart
             so what
             so now that we're here again in your bed
and I feel your heartbeat through
my back
your arms wrapped around me
like a straitjacket I never want
to be freed from
every poem
every love letter
now
the clock
resets
to zero
and the score
is settled
again

you held me down and pinned both my wrists to my sides while i screamed and i yelled and i abused everything in sight. your body weight kept me down; you were strong enough to keep me from hurting myself but gentle enough not to hurt me. i cried and i thrashed and i told you i didn't love you anymore i told you that you were the problem i blamed you for everything wrong in my life and you just stayed put without a single word and didn't stop me because you knew when i entered this state of mind, you just had to let it play out its course. i had a shaking body and a tear-stained face but at least i did not have ****** wrists. i eventually cried it out and as i lost energy from the fight i gave up and my body went limp. you let go of me then and sat right besides me. you held my cold body close to you and the sound of my slow breathing played in your ears all night. you couldn't sleep, how could you? my vile words and false accusations tore through your heart and your mind and even though you knew i didn't mean them it didn't matter because these words would go through your head for the rest of your life. but you put them aside and watched the rise and fall of my chest, thankful that the heart underneath it was still beating and that's what kept you going. sometimes you wondered whether the real me was the one late at night who left bruises and cuts on your chest when i tried to push you away so that i could hurt myself again or the 10am me who begged for your forgiveness, the one with dark circles under her eyes and regret in her veins. sometimes you think back to the time i pushed you out the front door and you sat outside on the doorstep until i opened it 5 hours later and fell into your arms sobbing. sometimes you think back to the time i baked you cookies and cupcakes and burnt them a little because i've never been able to create with my hands, only destroy. at the end of it all, you watch me sleep, my tiny body cuddled into yours and even after all is said and done, you look up to the night sky and thank the stars and the sky and destiny or whatever greater power is out there for keeping me safe just this one more night.

I woke up with you in my head.
I could smell your musky scent.
Feel you pressed up against me, our legs entwined together.
Your face so close to mine, lips softly kissing.
Oh how I hunger for you all the time...

The clocks in our hearts were in sync;
We felt it.
Too bad it wasn't our time.

i catch myself staring
& wanting to preserve you in words*

but the page is blank,
the ink has run dry,
my eyes are glued on you
& i wish my lips were too.