I never believed in a god.

I've never even touched a page of the bible until I saw heaven the day I looked into your eyes. Now I have scars and color on my knees from kneeling on holy ground for too long pretending to beg for forgiveness, pretending to beg for absolution when all I'm begging is for you to come back.

Last year in physics class we talked about the theory of duality. Now I understand why the moment you showed me heaven, my skin anticipated the scorching heat from the fires of hell.The only time I screamed god's name was under white sheets and clenched fists and a tangled mess of limbs, the only time I opened a bible was when I tried to look for salvation someplace other than your arms because it didn't feel right for me to have found everything in you.

I never believed in answered prayers until I tasted the one in your lips. Now the pews are drenched in holy water spilling from my mouth as I try to cleanse away the taste of the demons you left lingering on my lips the day I woke up next to an empty space and cold sheets on my bed. The statue of mother Mary is spilling tears from all the lies she's heard you say, the ones you told me right in front of the altar.

My mouth is dripping red as I try to brush your name away, I'm trying to convince myself that these bleeding gums taste better than you do, trying to forget how your lips looked like lust and sin but tasted like salvation.

Please come back. I think God doesn't listen to false prayers.

Mozes split the sea
one side, you, the other me
my focus kept from widening
perception almost frightening
I could only stare
waves returned, colliding
responsible for guiding
Mozes did not care
about dividing
or possible providing

Let me take you out of your comfort zone and colour you in shades you never even knew existed.

03:00
When I think about never speaking to him again, I picture a girl walking in a crowd that’s all moving in the same direction, and then suddenly she drops everything she’s holding and turns around and starts running as fast as she can, smiling and pushing past everyone till finally she reaches an open space and her face looks like sunshine as her hair blows behind her in the wind and she’s free she’s free, oh God, she’s free.

03:15
But then I think about walking into a doctor’s office ten years from now and sitting on a cold metal table, staring at my legs dangling off the edge, waiting. And then I look up as the door opens slowly, not expecting to see his tattooed arms hidden in a lab coat, but there he is and, oh God, his eyes haven’t changed, and I can’t breathe, and he just stands there, looking at me like an unfinished sentence. Then I’d have to let him put a stethoscope to my chest and listen to my heart and I wonder what it’d sound like, if it would sound like messy half beats of missing him. If he’d be able to tell. If he’d care.

03:30
Or maybe the next time I see him, if I ever see him again, we’ll both be whole versions of ourselves, content and in good places, our lives all sorted out and how we always hoped they’d be. And maybe we’d be able to talk about the weather and our kids and the lives we created apart. And maybe I’d be able to look at him with only feelings of pleasant acquaintance and relative indifference, not seeing the boy I fell for when I should’ve been focused on catching myself.

03:45
And I know I should find comfort in thinking about how one day I may look at him and feel nothing,

04:00
but it’s four in the morning and I don’t want to let go.

My hands was cold because of air-conditioner.
My eyes are too tired because I stay up all night.
I can barely breath because my nose is too cold.
My lips are too dry and hurt because too cold.
My head is ache and pain until all I see is nothing.

I stay in the car and watch outside.
I'm tired and dying.
Watching you walking out the street with your hands in your pockets.
You wear your favorite shirts.
A white stripes t-shirts.

I don't want you too see me like  this.
I close my window.
I walk inside the house and that moment I realize I can't live.

(m.i)

There was an empty moment
Where we all sits quietly
We'll never know when it will end
But strange that I didn't want it end

You walk to take a cup of coffee
Then you'd look at me
I would turn away
Looking at the window

There's a girl
A little girl
She is holding a teddy bear
She is waiting

Then, there's a man
A old man
He takes her hand
And suddenly they're gone

I realize something
They're family
Just like we all here
But we never talk to each other

We scared to take a chance
To change.

(m.i)

I painted you wonderlands of sorry
I flew over mountains of pain
And I swam in the coldest part of regret
But none of it
Made you
Forgive
Me