we think from opposite sides of the bed and dance around the idea of us, but it'll only make things harder because we use each other on nights where ****** **** and cheap liquor aren't enough to keep us from tearing apart. so instead we tear off our clothes and pretend nothing is wrong, pretend we don't want this to be more complicated, pretend we don't want us, pretend we're both not falling apart

but we are and you feel it too, but what happens when one of us doesn't? we both lose a friend and a lover at the same time and i don't know what i'll do without you in my life so i keep a distance and we try not to complicate things but we already fell in love before any of this happened, we never had meaningless no-strings-attached ***, the strings were attached and you knew it too. but we pressed on as if nothing was about to go awry. this was inevitable.

you and i used to tell each other the world, we used to say everything that was in our minds but what's on our minds now is too heavy a weight to bear on two broken-souled teenagers who just wanted something simple. we never asked to fall in love. we started from the wrong end of a relationship, there's no turning back and we can't start over. it's time we stopped pretending.

i roll over to your side of the bed. you wrap your arms around me and pull me in so tightly i wonder if we're fused together. we both refuse to acknowledge our feelings. we pretend it's platonic, the way you kiss me on the forehead, the way i hold your hand, the way we look at each other. for a moment we look into each other's eyes and consider our feelings, but we look away and you pull me in closer. we stay like that, listening to the raindrops on your bedroom window and longing for each other even with my head against your chest.

you tell me i am young and foolish but you are just as young and foolish for falling for me the way you have. we walk across a barbed wire tightrope and i know it's so ******* dangerous but the way you taste makes me forget my name. your lips beckon me without saying a word and your eyes are so mesmerizing i lose my train of thought when i look into them and all i can think about is kissing you. i never meant for any of this to happen and the lying and sneaking around won't last forever but you make me feel like i'll live a thousand more years. we love while cradling a time bomb and no one knows how many hours, days, years there are left on it. one day it will go off and we will perish together, or one of us will cut the wire and your timeline will no longer be the asymptote to mine.

I am not content with how honest I am with you. I want to tell you how much you mean to me. I want to be with you like star-crossed lovers, our heart strings laced within each other. You make my knees weak and my heart unsteady and my head spin but that's all I ever want. I want to tell you when I'm sad and when I say "leave me alone" I want you to say "not a chance" and hold me close to make sure I'm okay. Our lives don't cross continuously, eventually we will diverge and you will leave. But for the time we do have, I want to tell you the words I have deemed too honest to say aloud. Our seconds together are limited. Our souls are too old to love but we can try.

I try to pay attention to the conversation going on in front of me but the only thoughts clouding my conscience are "him, him, him" and despite my best efforts I still think of what it could be like to kiss those lips and feel those hands running up and down my back. The first time I heard him laugh the sound filled my head like a water balloon and I haven't been able to forget it since. His eyes are so tragically blue, so full of sharks and tsunamis, poseidon takes cover when he walks by. You are a tempest but I have always been in love with the rain. The notes on the board mean nothing to me if they don't spell out your name a thousand times. The shows on TV are boring if they don't have a character that reminds me of you. Every song on the radio reminds me of you. I'm not obsessed with you. I don't want you at all. You're just in all of my surroundings and I don't know how to get you out.

i need to take a few steps back and understand your intentions for us. you are not a written part of my future, you are one beautiful flaw in my life plan. you inspire the best in me but maybe the best in me isn't the best for you. i don't know enough of the calamity in your mind to determine what the next step is. you are a sine function and i am a horizontal line, we cross paths over and over but we will never merge into one line. but our interval is not infinite. i don't intend to waste time with the game we so dangerously play. i am tired of the empty words you speak and i long to hear your truths. until then i am not yours to toy with.

your smell is intoxicating and your smile gives me butterflies and this is such a ******* dangerous thing to do but no matter how wrong it is it just feels so right to be with you. God looks down on us with anger and disappointment but we look back at him with triumph and bravery because we didn't need to die to find heaven we just found exuberant love in each other. the angels are looking down on us with jealousy through the crepuscular light of dusk and dawn when He isn't watching them. our love is unholy but it's so ******* raw and genuine and even after we're gone from this earth, even after we've been sent straight to hell, it'll resonate through time and space and children in the future will sing songs about how we defeated God and made our own heaven on earth. we will live forever even after we are gone.

All of my thoughts seem to wander back to you, no matter how hard I try to forget you exist. You are toxic to me but I can't seem to stop myself from taking you in. I long to hear the words you've seen fit to keep to yourself, although I know my name is nowhere in their midst. This is unhealthy, a permanent lassitude from trying to understand you. This is not what I thought love was like.