The more you know,
               The more you know you don't know.

I feel like I'm getting to know less of you...
              ... If that makes any sense.

I would love to say that I still have hope.
I would love to say that I still have faith.
But I can't lie to you.
This has hurt me too much.
The me you brought out of me left.
I don't have the will anymore.
I don't even have the will to live.

I'm scared, Azami.
I am nothing without you.
I have nothing without you.
Please save me.

I'm alone, Azami.
I have no friends without you.
I have no family without you.
Please save me.

I'm tired, Azami.
I cannot make it without you.
I cannot live without you.
Please... Save me.

I don't think I've ever truly understood the concept of having friends.
Is it that guy that whenever we hang out, we always get ******?
Or is it that guy that forced me to open up to him, yet we only talk twice a year?
Or possibly that girl I always wanted to be close to, but she never let me in?
If so, having friends sure is lonely...

I am finally calm.
I am happy,
Awaiting your next reply,
Awaiting to receive your love.

And I can finally accept the situation.
What is to come is to come.
Not you nor I can change that.

I love you.
Wether you make it through a stronger person,
Or I must say goodbye for a time,
It does not change the truth.

The truth that you are the only one for me,
That I will not seek another,
That you were the one I chose to give my life to,
And that it is true now and forever.

It will greatly sadden me to see you go,
Shall the time come now.
But I promise not to disappoint you.
I will become one truly worthy of you.

Shall The Lord permit us another day,
Then I promise we will have our time,
And live it to the fullest,
And not have one single regret.

All this because I love you.
You are my purpose for life.
You are my direction and my guide.
Be with me or above me, I love you.

I think there's something wrong again.

I think I'm dependent again.

I think somewhere along the way I fell back into the hole.

I hope I managed to get at least a finger onto the edge.

That way I can at least pull myself back up,

Before I reach the bottom.

91 .
Quite a time.
Should I continue?
I love you so much.
Surely you know.
But what to say now...
I'm talking to myself.
I know not if you're there.
Maybe I'm not enough.
Probably.
I never was.
It would explain
Why I've always been alone.

You found your way into my heart,
And I didn't even notice when this did start.

At first it seemed like just a seed,
So small, so young, it seemed nothing to heed.

But in these long yet short, few nights,
It seems you've sprouted into the light.

Your stem is firm and your roots in place,
You won't be leaving, not now I've seen your face.

It seems even you don't know where you're growing,
But I won't tell you now, for fear you might start slowing.

I'm happy about this, having you here,
Despite distance between, you feel so near.

The tone of your skin, and the black of your hair,
And your cute little hands, to match your smile, so fair.

When I looked in your eyes, I thought I might drown,
In the all of the beauty that began to surround.

I'm trying to hold back, to not let my roots grow too,
But at this point, my heart beats only for you.

To see you bloom, now that is one dream,
A scene that won't fade, the light which endlessly gleams.

May the witness to this be only me?
Or am I not who it's meant to be?

Will things always go accordingly?
Or can we rust these chains, and break free?

I don't know what this is.
I thought I didn't think of you that way.
I can stand to be around you,
And not feel anything special.

But it's when you do certain things,
Or when you look at me a certain way,
That I just can resist you,
To want to kiss those pretty lips.

I don't know why.
We are in the past.
I don't see you that way.
You don't see me that way.

But sometimes what you do to me,
I just can't understand,
You're doing something I can't get used to,
And it doesn't seem you even realize it.

What is this,
Just what is this?
I'm not sure what I want,
For you to stop or not.

"Victor, Victor, Victor."

"Mr. Victor."

"Victor!"

"Victor! Victor! Victor!"

"Mr. Victor!"

"MR. VICTOR"

"VICTOR!"

"VICTOR!"

"...Yes?" I quietly reply with a brief exhale.

"What do you need?"

My mind often drifts,
To the appealing mystery of Death.
What we see as the End,
Attracts my mind but raises questions.

What happens when you die?
Will anyone care when I die?
Will I feel different when I die?
Is Death the better choice for me?

When I run a finger down my wrist,
I can see blood flow through the place,
Where the soft skin and tissue,
Has been ruptured by the knife.

I can rub the blade lightly on my throat,
And imagine what it feels like,
To let the steel dig into my flesh,
And see the red for an instant.

When I ****** the 7.62 round against the temple,
I can feel the bullet tear through everything,
Cross from one side through to the other,
Destroying the beauty I've been given but waste.

And all those images  attract me.
My morality says it's wrong,
But my philosophy asks why not.
It's just not an easy choice to make.

What if it's not what I imagine?
My atheist past tells me it will,
That everything just ends,
And that nothing will hurt.

But my current faith is not so sure,
For it teaches The Lord forgives all,
But as well that taking ones's own life,
Is almost the gravest of sins that lead to Hell.

I'd prefer the empty and black End,
Where there isn't fear of pain.
But I believe the loving, forgiving Lord,
Who can condemn me to suffering.

I feel in my heart both sorrow and love.
It's a conflict between the good and bad.

A depression dwells in me,
The chemical imbalance that I cannot change,
Which reminds me I'm alone,
Because the one I love is leaving.

But the love in my heart,
It shows me the happy future,
The dreams I can reach if I pray to Him,
That she may recover and come home.

It's for her that I live,
She's the one I love.

As long as she lives in this world I must remain,
Despite the sadness that I cannot relieve her pain.

But when she leaves along with my cause,
I think it's the time that the curtain draws.

I've felt the purest and truest of all loves,
And she has brought me happiness.
But I've also smelt the fumes of the fluid,
The chemicals that bring an ultimate bliss.

Many tries, all the while, I have been alone.
But the truth tells me no, I should not condone.

My habit is to think,
That no one will care,
But to not cause her pain,
I must avoid the tendency.

Could you stay by my side at every moment?
I wished for this although I was hesitant.
Unaware of wether you were always only in my head,
Or made of the earth as I was, molded of soft lead.
Every word you spoke tasted so sweet,
And  created  an everlasting heat.
Your heart was ever so soft as the sand,
If only I could have held your hand.
For then I would have felt the true bliss,
Of knowing it was you whom I'd never miss.
Maybe things were destined this way,
But "Goodbye." was never easy to say.

Maybe at 100 it will cease.
Maybe you don't need me.
Nobody has.
Maybe I tried to hard.
Maybe you've grown weary.
Maybe I'm just a bother.
Most would say.
Maybe I shouldn't have loved you.
Maybe I followed the wrong path.
Maybe my punishment for my sins,
Maybe, is losing you.
For that, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to cost you.
Maybe I was wrong.
You were always right.
I'm so sorry.

If my soul kisses yours will you feel it?
May my soul rest next to yours, and embrace you?
May I whisper my poems of love to you,
See your smile,
And kiss your lips?
How much may I love you?

I like ***,
I like drugs,
I like money.

It makes me feel okay.

It makes me feel less like killing myself.

I hate this pain,
In my chest,
In my throat,
In my stomach,
In my heart,
I hate this pain,
In my head,
And my eyes,
In my arms,
And in my legs,
I hate this pain in my body.
Those bottles full of pills that I choke down,
At all hours of the day,
Aren't working for ****.
Would it be stupid to pull out that herb,
That I've been hiding in my closet,
Or under my bed?
Would it be a bad choice to light it up,
And take a few hits,
Just to relieve this pain?
I feel like I'm about to ***** out my soul!

Has he no sense of morality?!
Does he not see you are not a sinner?!
I deserve your suffering far more than you do.
Death's aim was off when he shot those cells at me.
But why didn't he take them out of you?
Does Death not see that you're special?

Why did you choose the beginning at the end?
Would not an end at the beginning have been better?
Yet again,
Your reason
Prevails over
My own.
I would have have liked more time though.
I still have so much more love to give you.
But you,
Predict the
Difficulty of
That end.
Would it really have felt worse to start sooner?
Would the attachment really have been greater?
Yet again,
You have
Proven me
Incorrect and
You perfect.

You drag me by the collar you've placed around my neck, and when I stand up to run with you, you trip me back down. Should I try to take it off, you'll smack me and put it back on. Yet for some reason I enjoy this. I have the power to put you beneath me. But maybe it's because this is the only way I can keep some relationship with you.  And though you won't believe it, I've never wanted to hurt you. I know I pulled this out of you when I did so and then refused to let you heal. But my power comes from a dark place. Do not push it out, because it won't spare you. We've got to stop this eventually. We were supposed to love each other...

Ah, the words you speak.
The words from the lips of The Angel.
The words that never cease to amaze.
The words with the warmth of a lover's heart.
I love these words.
With these words,
I know you're still here,
Here with me.
I feel your warmth,
I feel your love,
I feel everything you have to give.
But I also feel your weakness.
Don't push yourself to love too much.
Save some energy for yourself.
I shall replenish the rest,
With my love.

I didn't want to be honest with myself
I didn't want to look at the truth
I didn't want to let go or admit you were right
Because then I'd have to admit I fell in love
Because I wanted to
Not because it actually felt right
Because I had a whole process for this
I'm a king and I was looking for my queen
And I let you sit up here with me
Knowing you weren't fit to yet
Just hoping you would change and grow and learn
But rather than come up with me
You pulled me down to you
And now I have to make my way back up home
Because you didn't want to change
You pretended to want to grow
You learn way too slow
I blamed myself and said I learn slow
But I've never been like that
I learn quick
I was willing to slow down for you
But you don't even want to move
I just wasn't listening
But you've been saying you wanted to give up the whole time
You made me want to be better
But I just made you feel worse
You tried to tear me down and got mad when it didn't work
You saw that I was happy and okay
You saw I had a family to go back to
And all you had to say was
"It must be nice."
Even though I was holding my hand out to you,
Even though I shared my family with you,
You just wanted to take it from me.
You didn't care about your pain stopping,
You just wanted me to hurt too.

Would you like to leave early?
Go ahead and leave
Can I stay just a little bit longer,
So I can leave when everyone else does?
No just leave now
I won’t look at you again
Getting back home to something I didn’t see
I didn’t believe
I keep walking
I don’t want to breathe
My mind is spilling from my mouth
Can I curl into a shell and seal it away with no spaces
My vacuum chamber
I don’t want to breathe
I’m not even tired
But I don’t want to be awake
Or even asleep for that matter
I don’t want to be
Can I just go early?
I don’t want to be alive anymore
Where is the bottle
It doesn’t even work anymore