My mother talks about you
a lot
almost worships you like
a god
Heard her talk about you
on calls
Always screams in my face
telling me to be a lot
like you
But listening to her
talk
I don't think I really like
you.

the beast within
a ticking time bomb
never know when what you do is wrong

run and hide
close the blinds
the monster is out from under the bed

“look what you did”
“it’s all your fault”
it really wasn’t but that’s fine

i said i was sorry
“sorry doesn’t fix it”
“your apology was arrogant”
here we go again

the beast is out of its cage
someone else forgot to feed it
but the target is always me

doesn’t matter what you say
what you do
or try to prove

the beast is hungry
the monster is angry
the beast is scary
the monster is crashing
the beast is dad
the monster is him
it’s better when both are silent and hidden within

what a load of bull
i wish that was the rule
that we only felt physical pain
i’d take that any day

some of the things that have been said
they constantly replay in my head
i look in the mirror
“talk about chopped”
“you look like a little kid”
“i think you’re gaining”
“your hips are uneven”

there’s been so much worse said
but it’s okay
they’re all just jokes anyway
so don’t take it to seriously
or you **** the party

“talk about chopped”
i wake up two hours early
to do my hair
pick an outfit
but it’s never enough

“you look like a little kid”
i put on layers of makeup
just trying to feel like my age
but i constantly feel like im trapped in a cage

“i think you’re gaining”
yeah i know
my usually flat stomach
is getting some rolls
i’ve already crashed out tho
and i kinda stopped eating
but its ok
i don’t mind it

“your hips are uneven”
gee thanks
that’s so sweet of you
the one thing a like about myself
is something you hate too

i give my self delusional confidence
and fake self-esteem
it sends me on a rush
to where i don’t care
about anything

but then the crash comes
and i realize it wasn’t real
and i try not to cry
i try not to scream
knowing that people only like
the delusionally dazed me

but it’s fine
it’s all just jokes
sticks and stones
i use them to break my skin
and my bones

Today,
one of my friends told me
'you look different.'

At first,
I didn't take note;
I was messed up and it's just one of those things;
I didn't have my glasses
and my hair looked different to how I usually style it.
'no,' she said, 'it's not that...'
but,
then I heard it again;
'you look different.'

I didn't know what else to say but;
'that's the second time I've heard that this morning! ha ha',
laughing off the funny coincidence.
I asked her what was different,
but she too couldn't say...

No one could tell me what it was,
but everyone I asked,
they all said it,
all of my closest friends
and someone I barely know anymore.

'you look different.'

and,
I was talking to my friend about it,
when I jokingly said;
'well maybe I'm just happier than usual! ha ha'
but she looked kinda sad.
My other friend said
'wait, relax your face',
so I did.
'yeah, that's it!'

'you look different.'

'no,' I thought 'you just aren't used to seeing me happy'

I don't need you
to want me
I only care
when I'm lonely

I don't need you to be
nice
let me give you
some advice

I don't care
if you need me
I only want
what I can't take

lay your hands
freely on me
feel there's nothing
left to break

I don't care
if you take me
I have nothing
left to give

just don't dare
try and make me
admit
I made a mistake

I don't want you
to want me
I don't need you
to care

just as long
as we're on me
and I get
to feel you stare