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 Jun 19 Jimmy silker
Jenna
Carpenter man

Carpenter of my heart
Accomplished by hand
Malubale with mind
Adaptable down to flesh
Desirable to bone
Poets
who cry
Jesters
goodbye
Alone
in the dark
Old heartaches
to mark

Time
closing in
Memories
thin
Whispers
and tears
Finality
— near

(Villanova University: June, 2025)
In the silence of night

wounds of the heart scream.
I exist in the abysmal state of solitude, where I, whose existence survives in profound literary pieces, could fall short of mere words penetrated—cast against me. Where would I be if I can't find the right words to say?

In front of me is a sweet orange juice menacingly teasing me with its dazzling pumpkin hue. Beside it is the apple pie I swore my life I would never put in my mouth. Yet, the sun glistened brighter when I gently put my fork down and absurdly ate it with my eyes closed.

The sadness that lingers deep within enthralls me more, as I swiftly swallow and digest it without tasting all its flavors—just so I can return to reality. I try to keep it all together, even as my spirit is crushed by the thoughts that seep in, nipping at the edges of my soul—through the cracked window of my vision, and the half-drunk orange juice. These thoughts keep coming in, like an intense downpour after a shower. I have tried to write this simply, yet I could never find the right words to say.

I could never forgive myself.
the first whole month of this year felt like unending closure and goodbyes of the past and the future. i wasn’t living in reality but between these two. a lot has happened from the first month until this day. i felt like a child trapped in a 20-something adult’s body, and it’s terrifying to know that i will never meet that child again. it’s like a cold january and a warm fuzzy december being distant yet closer in edge.

i still can’t fathom those thoughts that i am already an adult. i have to work and try and fail until i come of age and die. it’s unnervingly a hard pill to swallow. and it’s making me sad.

televangelism - ethel cain
Light,
The light from above has bestowed upon me the urge to dance, despite it all, all, all. A spark has spread a little fire—the music never stopped, despite it all.  

Affection,
Facing slowly—affection all over the floor. Summer has not started yet, but there is heat, devotion, warmth in absence. I nod to the sun. I turn towards the dappled, bronzed skin of mine.

Jazz,
There is something ferocious living inside this four-cornered apartment, where the absence of childhood has taken half my life—but there are flowers, flowers in my head. Slowly dancing in the whiskers of the afternoon—velvety, yes, velvety notes striking the rhythm of my body. Swaying, swaying, almost lost in the murmur of the piano—the saxophone aggravates the thrill in my bones. I look up at the ceiling; colors start to swirl even more. Strings spill like liquid—smooth and endless, more and more. Conversing here and there, I am alive again.  

“Turn your face towards the sun,” they say. I dreamed of my childhood, and the heat of the sun felt like slow jazz in the afternoon.
I wrote this for 10 minutes because jazz made me feel alive today.

jazz is for ordinary people - berlioz
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