that spring i had to leave
before the lilac trees bloomed.

the hills of peace slowly changed
to the streets washed with bleach.

empty mountain dew bottles
on the pavement
took the place of the grass.

this city was never going to grow
because people were always so upset
about days with rain.

three weeks in
i caught myself wondering.

wondering if:

if the color of the lilac i left was
as purple as a healing bruise?

if i climbed their tower blocks
could i see the other side?

if the time were to stop
would that still be called eternity?

then a lifeless object rang
and reminded me
to get back to my new life.

the imagine of the budded trees
slowly erased from my mind.

There are pauses in between musical notes and stops between an artist's strokes and periods in between a writer's sentences. We have come to an end. We have come to a stop. But sometimes the only way to continue is to halt. The only way to begin is to end.

- apbq, pauses and stops

I am spiralling down a dark well
mortar and stone grazing my knuckles and fingers
in their desperate plea to find a crack
a divet
anything to stop the spiral
but I continue to fall
black upon black
grey upon grey
deeper and deeper
the water is at my ankles
sinking
sinking
sinking now
into putrid sludge of what I do not want to remember
swept into the dark ocean cave
of my mind

I can not be loving you like this,
Forgetting to let my heart beat,
And constantly wondering what you need,

Or feel,
I’m losing me,
Alone fighting for us in this quicksand you told me was called love!

I can not be loving you like this,
Feeling like I am losing a little part of me,
With each skipped beat from a heart that no longer wants to feel,

I can not be loving you like this,
Dreaming dreams I will never live,
And grasping onto pieces of our sinking ship!

Or feeling;
Like I am alone roaming this earth
Living in the memories of our last kiss

I can not be loving you like this,
Wishing you were here kissing my lips,
And living in a castle that we will never build!

Or losing,
Me, while I seek thee,
In your world where you see all but me,

I simply can not go on;
Loving you,
No, not like this!

I can not feel,
When you standing there smiling at me,
I can not be loving you, no not like this!

If I would be born again
I'd be a humble leaf.
Leaves, when they fall in time,
do not break.
And there wouldn't be too much sadness,


but just peace.