I don't like spring break.
I sit alone with my thoughts
replaying on a screen in my mind
of all of the times
I was used
and cheated.
I took photos and sent them.
Is this the reason why I hate myself now more than ever?
Rest well Monique and Alexa
You need to wake up bright and early.
For tomorrow, when you will be birthed again.
Sometime I wish I was the miscarriage.
Alexa and Monique deserve to live.
I don't.
I just cause everyone pain.
I am nothing but
a mistake.

i swallowed myself
i am very disgusting
everyone says that

it is very hot in my room
i rip the crisp paper slowly
anticipating what is inside the envelope
worry fills my mind

I can't remember much of daddy.
Or why I was taken away.
Some of the memories with him are nice.
The happy thoughts make me feel loved.
Sometimes I have trouble falling asleep at night.
Because I remember he used to come in my room.
He would grab at my throat and kiss me hard.
And at the time I didn't know it was abuse.
I just thought it was daddy trying to love me.
One night he laid me on the couch, and gave me a drink.
And I sipped it, and I felt dizzy and fell asleep.
The next morning I woke up surrounded by white walls.
And a tall skinny woman walked in.
"Good morning Re'nee it's time to take your medicine"

You are hard to forget
All I hear is your voice
Every time I see you in the hallway
I lose it, my voice.
My heart used to be full;
It only belonged to you
You used to hold me,
Now every time I think of us,
my heart breaks in two.
No more long kisses to show how much we love each other
No more cute flirting or cuddles that made me feel safe,
You see, Devin
No one can take your place.

U make me feel awful.
Ur fake *** compliments are annoying asf.
Pls go away.
Pls go die.
I don't fcking like u.

It's only just a dream.
Tomorrow is soon.
You are worth it.
Please don't mark up your skin.
You are beautiful.
You can do it.
I believe in you.
I love you, Lucas.

I liked it when you used me,
because when you did I felt loved.
I liked it when you yelled at me,
because I deserved it.
I like it when you pretended to care,
because it filled me with temporary happiness.

I can't speak
Because if I do
those unsteady words will escape my mouth
And hurt everyone
Breaking their hearts
silencing me.
You see,
the words I do not want to escape my mouth is
"I don't wanna be here anymore."

Last month.
My mother told me.
On our way to my first checkup for my meds.
When I relapsed.
She told me that my cuts will turn to scars.
I realized.
My battle wounds are here to stay.
-
My battle wounds tell a story,
A story of betrayal.
A story of being led on.
A story of drunk parents.
A story of pain.
A story of choosing to almost give into dying.
A story of continuing to move on.
A story of my life.

My skin doesn't feel right
it doesn't feel right to breathe.
It doesn't feel right to wear a dress.
It doesn't feel right what in the mirror, I see.
This body doesn't belong to me.
These lips are not mine.
The luscious hair I cut off, still not mine.
My grandmother calls me two-spirit.
I call myself an error.
Because you see,
I am a boy.
Stuck in a girl's body.

We transgenders are not *****,
nor *******.
We transgenders are not tools,
nor autistic or *******.
It is not funny to spit at us.
Or stick notes on our back.
It is not funny to misgender us,
or harass and assault.
It is like we are a fish out of water.
Watching everyone swim.
As we suffocate and die.
See, we transgenders are just like you.
And you see,
We all speak it.
The truth.

I hate you.
You were nice from the start
but at the end of August
you broke my heart.
Now your just the monster in my head.
I dream about you all the time.
I can't seem to get you off my mind.
I hate how you lead me on.
But I follow because mentally
I am not strong.
I hope you burn in hell.
I love you my dear.
Signed,
Lucas.
Farewell.

I remember when we were kids,
we rode our bikes.
We put soda cans on the back tire,
I thought it was fun.
We had a garage sale.
We made bracelets.
We got our ears pierced.
And then middle school is when the fun was
different.
We skipped class.
We got all F's
almost 4 times a week.
We had a visit with Mrs.Ryan.
Highschool is even worse.
The fun is even better.
Our parents our fighting.
School is cancelled due to lousy weather.
We pick up the blades and draw against our skin.
We watch the blood drip.
We like to please our boyfriend's
Even if it means
Getting in a lot of trouble
by all means.
We know it was wrong.
We know were ****** up.
But it's the highschool life.
Ain't no one give a ****.

Alone once again.
Finger tips are numb.
Hands are cold.
I just want to be with you again.
Your embrace was warm.
I know I did something wrong.
I know you hate me now.
I know there is no getting you back.
But
I would rather be in your grasp again.
Than you to be in his.
I don't wanna be alone
Jackson please come back.
I miss you, my love.
And I know you feel alone.
But you just wanna hold a grudge.

Last night I wasn't proud of myself
In fact embarrassed
I painted the shower red with my sins
then I cleaned it up.
I had dreams all night
of people painting their skin red
bleeding to death.
I'm sorry

Why are you so mean?
Why do you pretend to love me?
Why do you try to win me back and woo me
with your filthy lewd pictures.
I don't want you
Isn't it obvious?
All you do is harass me and try to threaten me
with suicide .
why ?
what did I do to you ?

Alone
and scared
everything is loud.
I try to
breathe
but I can't
please
help
m e.

My breath shortens
it gets harder to breathe
I feel like cutting
I wish I was at ease.
My dad says he understands, but I think not.
Because if you did, he wouldn't be calling me a girl.
Why hasn't he, I thought.
My mind is screaming at me
WHY WAS I A GIRL
WHY CAN'T I BE A GUY
WHY CAN'T I USE THE BATHROOM WITHOUT BEING SPAT ON
WHY CAN'T I HAVE SOMETHING IN BETWEEN MY LEGS
WHY CAN'T I HAVE NO *******
WHY CAN'T I HAVE FLAT HIPS

Her lips are soft and pink
Her milky-white thighs, smooth to the touch
Her eyes a beautiful shade of blue.
Her hair, combed.
Perfectly even.
If only she could see how beautiful she was.
She doesn't need pasty-white wings to be an angel.
She doesn't need to get her ***** bigger to look hot.
She doesn't need make-up to look perfect.
She doesn't need slutty outfits to be loved.
I wish she would just love herself all the time.

I don't know what I did wrong.
Don't yell at anyone for something "I did".
I hope your happy with yourself.
Tearing people apart.
Hurting the ones that care about you.
Turn people I care about against me.
Turning my friends against me.
I hope you are happy.
I hope you make Erica happy.
I hope she knows about how bad of a person you are.
Biting your tongue.
Clenching your fist.
Smoking your ****.
Crushing your pills.
Spreading your lies.
Devil's tongue.
You're a sociopath, I believe.
You can get anyone to believe your twisted lies.
I even got down on my knees for you.
How pathetic was that?
I don't even like you as a romantic or a ****** partner.
My lips touched yours.
I touched the devil's lips.
I felt the devil's warm embrace.
I guess he is called the devil for a reason.

Jeremiah, I'm sorry.
I've heard you are trying to ignore me.
I don't understand what I have done.
I'm sorry, I don't deserve your respect.
I'm sorry if I have ever been rude.
Honestly, you are a really cool dude.
I have respected your wishes and have stayed clean for almost 3 weeks.
But it doesn't matter, not like you'd care that I am so weak.
I hope you are happy now.
I wish you best of luck.
And do me a favor and ask Lilly out.
I ship you two so much.
Do me another favor.
Please hit me in the face.
I deserve it.
I'm such a disgrace.
I'm sorry if I have ever embarrassed you.
I hope you are okay.
I've been such a bully to you.
Please Jeremiah, don't ever leave me
Just stay <3

I wish you didn't drink
because when you were drunk
you never gave a ****.
You hit me hard
leaving me a pretty bruise.
It is a pretty color.
Mixes of purple, green and maroon.
I try to stay happy at school.
If my tears were bottled, they could fill a pool.
I'm worried someday that you will get arrested
and get my baby brother taken away.
Not like you would realize he's gone.
You're always drunk anyway.

This pain
it hurts.
He tries
to stop.
His wrist
is scarred.
The screaming won't s t o p.
The pain
he tries
to drown it
away
with *****.
and blood.
Don't worry!!
The suds
will wash
away the sins.
He will not stop.
His mom hitting him WON'T STOP
THIS PAIN IN HIS HEAD WON'T STOP
THESE STUPID SELF HARM THOUGHTS WON'T STOP.
But him continuing to live shall not stop.