I am too tired to hide,
From you anymore.

This is who I am.

Sunken below the surface
                                                   J u s t out of reach
                     Underlying everything


Motivations                             emotions
   ­                       experiences                       memories


WHY do we do what we do?
The reasons you say
Think
Believe
Is that really the whole story?

Or are you neck deep in a buried river?
Caught in the currents
Of
      Past pains
                          Future fears
                                                 Unnamed desires
                                                         ­                          Neglected needs

It happens to all of us
We can be d r i p p i n g wet and completely
                                                                ­                unaware

Blinded to our truths
Denying our senses
Lying to ourselves
            to others

Motivations are never singular
Buried rivers run deep

                                                 e
                                              s
               ­                            i
The water level may   r
                                or  
                          ­             f
                                           a
                                                l
                                                    l

But it will never run dry

Sometimes we can read
                                           what is written in the currents
Decipher the meaning
                                         of our needs and fears

Other times the water is turbulent
                                                       ­       roiling with secrets
Swirling dark and deep
                                            pulling us under

Inherited secrets can be
                                          preserved through time
Handed down
                            through the generations

Those can be the deepest buried
Hardest to uncover
                to decipher

We think that if we just knew WHY
Then the waters would calm
We could breathe
See clearly


But knowing doesn’t always calm the current

                    to buoy us up                                               above the water
It can help                           so we can keep our heads

While we seek the means
To
      Heal pains
                           Calm fears
                                                 Recognize desires
                                                         ­                         Meet needs

Watching others being swallowed in their river feels like
Frustration
Pain
Helplessness

Especially
                    if they think they are standing
                                                                ­            on dry land

And won’t accept                                      to stay afloat
                                 that they need help

I seek to learn
                           to swim in my depths

Decipher what I can
Acknowledge my truths
Have patience with secrets
                                                  that remain concealed

Each time I look below
                                           more is revealed

Even as new
                       motivations                         emotions
                                              experience­s                     memories

Create new currents
And keep my river running
                                                    deep,
                                                                ­swift,
                                                          ­                  and true

And I am here
still missing
that one trip
we never made

our lips will never meet
nor our fingers intertwine
and so bless my dreams
for indulging what's not mine

They admire my strength, my bravery
And how well I carried it all
They said I made this far

I wish they knew that
Even after years,
I am still on day 1 of grief

The praise I get for being alive
Is a mockery for the pain I go through inside

She keeps songs
locked away in boxes
like secrets.
She will take them out
like postcards
to help her remember
the feeling of
a different time,
a different person
by her side.
She likes the one
that makes her
eyes close
to see the lights.
She smiles at
the one that  
makes her stand
up on tiptoes,
the one that
helps her forget
she doesn’t know
what to do
with her hands.

The tune
will carry her.

Like it did
the times when
voices broke
like a heart.
When instruments’ strings
would snap
and hurt.

Some people are born on third
and think they scored a triple

others are just happy to be single

I was born at home
and couldn't get on-base

I was caught looking
so I decided to take a walk
stealing to make it a double

but then I was forced out at third
because someone already lived there.

During this shutout
I look up at the scoreboard
which makes me want to score more

but the pitchers are warming up
and my destination is the dugout

praying for competent teammates
or extra innings
to carry me to another at-bat.

I want to hold the sky in my hands

forever in your eyes

you stopped counting at nineteen
now you're twenty

the earth is dying
so am I