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Sin Sep 2018
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Will you forgive me father?
For the sins I have committed?
For the sins
I will commit?

Will you forgive me father
For the pain I have caused
And for the lies
I have told?

Will you forgive me father
For attempting to return
Your gift that you gave me?

Your gift of life?
20
Sin Jun 2020
20
In the midst of everything
On the edge of nothing
Trying to find the meaning of something
9
Sin Sep 2018
9
The leaf falls
As my tear falls
As my heart drops
As your love fails
Sin Feb 2019
Birth is seen as a miracle,
As a gift of life.

What once was so minuscule,
Became something of it's own

Capable of
thoughts
Feelings
Actions

Some live
Some die
Some ****

It's a cycle
So simple and complex all at once.

We spend so much of our lives wondering what the meaning of life is
That we lose sight of how small time we have to actually live it.

Striving to survive.
Dying to live.

What makes up the mind
What makes up the person
Ana
Sin Jan 2022
Ana
Only with words
They’ll strip my flesh
Until I’m bone


Sticks and stones
couldn’t
break my bones
but words
helped me
reveal them
BFF
Sin Sep 2018
BFF
We were five years old full of laughter and joy

We thought nothing could touch us

Invincible as we ran through the field at recess
We swore we were the
Fastest
The quickest

We grew up together?
No.
we grew apart together.

held hands with my best friends
In 6th grade
Making a pact that neither of us would do drugs

But it's three in the morning
And I'm smoking my second bowl at the beach.

Traded my Capri sun for a cup of lean

We run from the cops because we still swear we're the
Fastest

The quickest

We still think we're untouchable

Even as we walk through these halls sleep deprived

Nobody knows what happened last night

We wish we didn't know what happened that night

We refuse to acknowledge the events of that night

We won't even manage to look at each other in the eye

When they ask who's at fault
We repeat
Not I
Not I

So what does this mean for us?

Is this what we were so excited for?
Is this the moment we were so impatient for?

I couldn't wait to grow up

Now we're in the bathroom throwing up

These drugs we refuse to give up

I'm lost in a life that I was not prepared for

It's not like I didn't have a plan

In fact,

We had a plan

V was going to be a teacher
J was was going to be a fire fighter
N was going to be a power ranger
don't know how but we were five and everything seemed possible

And I
well
I wanted to change the world

But you know things happen

People change

V is having a baby
J is moving dope
N is six feet under

And I?
Well,
I'm trying really hard to keep it together

after that night we were just not the same

We lost ourselves
Just not the memory of that night
Unfortunately

Some parts I remember more  vividly

My skin feels *****
Just remembering

I know you felt guilty
And I have to admit that
For a long time
I hated all of you

But never as much as I hated myself
For losing control

For not finding the words to say
No

For thinking that maybe,

That maybe if I drank enough
I could drown the voices in my head telling me to **** myself

I wasn't satisfied with my life
I'm still not satisfied with my life
No matter how much alcohol I drink
No matter how much I fill my lungs with smoke
It won't ever fill this empty void.

Everyone was laughing and dancing downstairs.

But I felt sick.

He said he would help me feel better.

He was my friend.

My body felt heavy I just wanted to lie down.

I could smell the tequila on his breath as he whispered

"Trust me".

I closed my eyes in hopes that he would stop.

He said
"Don't worry, I've done this before"

My voice was gone
I stayed there in silence

He left to the bathroom
I left his bedroom
Stumbling
Crying

He almost got what he wanted
And nobody helped me

Instead,
We tried pretending that nothing had happened

We all blamed each other

Best friends forever
But
No longer together

I'm done pretending that nothing happened
I'm done making up excuses as to why I freeze up when I'm touched at times
I'm done staying quiet

But I want you to know that
I'm done being angry
It wasn't your fault
I shouldn't have blamed you

And despite everything,
I forgive him too.

I remember back when were five years old full of laughter and joy

We thought nothing could ever touch us.

Back when we were

invincible.
Sin Apr 2019
something about the night
makes love to my mind
keeps me satisfied
silence is all mine
Sin Sep 2020
I wake up,

Caged by my fears

As laughter surrounds,

Fantasies of Darkness  
appear

Death likes to dance

Grabs me by my waist

Body close to my heart


Please take me away
Sin Jan 2019
All the drugs
All the ***
All the skin
You will never find me

You’ve chosen
You’ve lost me

A love so pure
A love so honest

My tears will keep you haunted.
Sin Sep 2018
when  you  look  for  me
you  will  only  see
what  used  to  be.­
Sin Sep 2018
I searched
For you.

You stood right in front of me

But I still searched
For you.

Your lips pressed against mine

But I still searched
For you.

You called out my name

But I still searched
For you.

You looked me in the eye
But I
Can’t find

You.
Sin Sep 2018
Everything I wanted
I already had it in myself

Until I lost it
Searching for it
In somebody else.
Sin Sep 2018
you were my favorite moment

a fleeting moment


with you

I grew


with you I loved

a good love

You inspired me

Your words cut through my chest and into my heart

where they stayed


Where they are

My muse

the heart behind my words

My name slips between the lines that you speak

do you look at her

and see me?

do you take her where we used to be?

our own little world intertwined with

moments

desire to go back



I reach out for you

but all my fingertips touch is a

ghost

of what we could have been

and the words we never said.
Sin Feb 2020
I liked you better when I didn’t know you.

Your lies are made of glass.
I know you’re hoping that we’ll last.

Love,
the past is in the past.

Look
Into my eyes.

Tell me,
we won’t crash.
Sin Feb 2022
I know
I can be better.
I know
how to be better.

Still,
I can’t help,  but find comfort

Drowning

in my own
Destruction.
Sin Oct 2018
With my heart
Let the sorrow flow through my pen
Write these words in my blood
Let the fears stay in my head
Am I better off dead?

Let these words be written in my heart
Let my tears decorate the paper
And my pain shown through this art
Let me be a lesson

Let these kids learn through my loss
And gain through my success

Am I better off dead?

I shouldn’t have made it this far
For the things I have done

But I am grateful
For the love that it brought

In my heart
Sin Nov 2018
Variations of your lies
Mixed with ultraviolet lights.
The last time you looked me in the eye.
I should’ve known.
Now I’m on my own.
Wouldn’t have it any other way.

The train went by so fast.
Not even a flash.
Broken souls.
Nothing more.
Cold nights.
Hidden signs.
You were never really mine.
It’s hard to sleep at night.
I see her in my dreams.
I feel the burn crawling up my nose .
Temporary pain relief.
Thoughts detached  from one another.
I lost you in never ending spirals.
But I had to break the cycle.
You’ll try to find me in another.
Failure every time.
Losing yourself until you cry.
Cant blame me
I tried.
Sin Mar 2020
Reminiscing bout the old times
Oh my god how time flies
One day mine
The next a far away memory
This isn’t how I wanted it to be
I had hoped I believed
We thought
We believed
So we sit here
Remembering when our minds were in sync
Sin Sep 2018
Colors mix
Sounds muffle
Everything is blurry
The lights are bright
I try to touch
I cannot feel
My steps are weightless
I feel heavy
J
Sin Oct 2022
J
If I could
I would rewind the time

To when the sun melted your eyes
Into a golden brown light

To when I felt safe in the warmth of your hands
As you caressed my face, and I thought we would last

If I could
I would rewind the time

To our very first kiss
I didn’t think I would miss

To when our bodies connected
Immersed in pure bliss

If I could
I would rewind the time

To when you opened my heart
With a glimpse of your soul

To when you broke down my walls

But now my eyes just feel sore

Life likes to play tricks

But I’m not here for this joke

I fell for you hard
With a heart made of glass

And glass tends to shatter
When fallen,
Too bad

I want to scream and to beg
To please love me back

But my mom says

if two souls are true
they will find their way back



If I could I would
rewind the time
To when

        you loved me back.
Sin Nov 2018
I’m mourning a love that was dead too long ago.
I was late.
Like I was late to notice that your eyes refused to meet mine.
Like I was late to notice the stiffness in your embrace.
Like I was late to notice that your lips don’t taste the same.
Like I was late to notice you didn’t say ‘I love you’.
I knew things were rough.
But things get rough.
But you get through them as a team.
Right?
Wrong.
But I was late
To notice we were never a team.
I was late to notice that every hope I had In you was empty and meaningless.
Like I was late to notice I lost myself completely to you.
Like you are going to be too late to notice you lost the universe.
Like you will be too late to notice that you had the best thing.
But by then I will be grown again
I will be stronger than I was before and your words will no longer touch me.
You will be too late to reel me in again.
You will be too late to win my love back.
You will be too late.
And I will be just on time.
Sin Dec 2018
It started off with just me and mom
Then you came along
Loved you right from the start
Your eyes warm my heart
But for us things were tough
Growing up
And sometimes things grew us apart
But I still love you at the end of the night
Forever my partner in crime
I’ll **** up a ***** if she makes you cry
Cause you’re my brother and I love you
My best friend no one above you
And when **** hits the fan you know I got you.
For a while all we had was eachother.
And at that point nothing else mattered.
We fought to survive.
In a world full of lies.
I remember the day, you almost died.
I’m so scared to lose you.
I know I’m overprotective sometimes.
But I can’t lose you.
I need you in my life.
I want you to succeed throughout all of your life.
And for our bond to forever stay strong.
Nothing will grow us apart.
I raised you through most of your life.
You will always be my baby brother.
Even when you grow taller than I.
I wrote this for my brother. He inspires me every day.
Sin Oct 2018
You can have my heart
You can have my soul
You can have my innocence
You can have my all.
Love
Sin Feb 2019
You want me to be your only

But you don’t own me

I don’t **** with nobody

I can never love you honey

I’m only in for the money.
Sin Sep 2018
I wonder if he cried this hard.

Hard enough to be heard if you were really listening.

But soft enough to be dismissed completely if you weren't paying  attention.  

I wonder if he felt his chest rip apart as he imagined his mothers face as she walked into her sons room to see him dead.

I wonder if he replayed every little thing that lead to his death.

I wonder if he tried to scream out for help.

I wonder if he threw everything on the floor of his room in desperation.

I wonder if he was angry?

I wonder if anyone knew

I wonder if they were listening

I wonder
if
you
are listening?
Sin Sep 2018
Waves
Sunsets
Full moons
All beautiful sights

Yet I still choose
To look at you.
Sin Sep 2018
I found true love,
not in another heartbeat

But in the way the stars and moon contrast against the midnight sky

the smell of pine trees and damp dirt
On a rainy day

The sound of birds chirping in the early morning

The way the waves of the ocean reflect the light of the stars on a lonely night

The crows on the telephone lines
Because although they are plain
There are times when less is more
And there's beauty in simplicity

The setting sun,
Because the swirling pinks, oranges, purples and yellows
Remind you of a sorbet,
And sorbets remind you of the times when you used to go out as a family for ice cream

The late night car rides with people you no longer know
But it doesn't matter because everyone's laughing and smiling,
And at that moment everything feels right
All troubles and worries exhaled with the smoke
And nobody cares if they died tonight

The silence at two in the morning when everything is still,
And you're dancing in the middle of the empty road
Because the night is yours and for the first time,
in a long time
You don't want to die

I found true love,
Not in another heartbeat
But in the idea,
That there is more
to this life.
M
Sin Sep 2018
M
I remember the first time I saw you

On that stage

You stood

You opened your mouth and the words flowed with such grace

I was left in awe

Mesmerized

It was as if those words were only meant for you to speak them

I wanted to know you
To touch you

See what was behind the person you showed the world

I observed the way you carried yourself
And wondered how someone so hurt could carry themselves with such confidence

You asked me if I ever had my heart broken

and I told you the story of the stupid boy who ****** me over
Not knowing that, that wasn't even close to the heartbreak I feel right now

Heartbreak is knowing that we could have been so ******* great
But you were too scared to let me in
And I was too scared of commitment

I'm not one to write about relationships and ex's but you had me writing ****** love poems about

you.

You taught me things I will take with me forever
And for that
I thank you

Sitting on your porch getting high in hopes that maybe we wouldn't feel this ******* low but here we are

Your face imprinted in my mind
I wished to have made you mine
But my mom says God works in mysterious ways
And maybe we just weren't meant to be
But I sure as hell had a good time

****** decisions
****** pick up lines
****** thoughts

Such a beautiful mind
Such a beautiful soul

In a blink of an eye
you were gone

I wish I knew that would be the last time I'd see you in person

Maybe I could have done more
Maybe I could have said something

It's not like you're dead so why am I mourning something that didn't exist?

I didn't hit up anyone "like it was nothing"
You were in the back of my mind
The whole time

But

you had me feeling like there was no space for me in yours

Had me believing that you simply didn't
give
a
****

And now it's late at night and we're having a conversation about things that should have been said before

But I guess it's easier this way
We won't be smoking on your porch anymore

There is more to life than this hurt that you feel
And as time passes I'm sure you'll forget my name
I'll always have love for you
Although I'm not in love with you

I'm just not ready for love and to be honest
I never was.

Don't be scared to let someone in
It just maybe wasn't really meant to be

For us.
Sin Jul 2019
You

Moon

Star

Galaxy


You.
Sin Jul 2019
Neon lights
I felt alive

Your hand in mine
All fears subside
Sin Sep 2019
When you come back home
You will be alone
I’ll be at the shore
I will take one step
Then I will take one more
Until my heart sinks low
Deep Into my woes
You will be alone
When you come back home
Sin Mar 2019
I am the light that I’ve been searching for.
Sin Jul 2019
I have thorns growing around my heart.
They tighten around my lungs.
They circle around my throat.
With every breath the thorns dig in deeper.
It’s hard to breathe.
When
will
it
stop?
Sin Oct 2018
All the love that I wanted
All the love that I needed
All the love that I lost

I dreamt of a love so pure
I dreamt of a love so sweet

But the reality of love is, what it is not.
Sin Nov 2018
Let me spell I love you
In the middle of your back
With the surface of my lips
As your body is relaxed

Let me explore the galaxy of your skin
With the tips of my fingers

And whisper in your ear
Only what you’d like
Sin Feb 2019
My heart is numb
Each day is a power point slide
And I wish these slides would pass faster

Food lost its color
Salt tastes bland
I can’t feel what I touch
And I can’t see what I watch

My senses are senseless.
Sin Sep 2018
I am difficult to understand
In English
In Spanish.

No se como escribir.
but I try.

I talk funny
Pero intento.

Hay muchas cosas que nunca van a poder entender
And maybe it's because I am terrible at pronouncing.

There are so many things people will never understand
Y a lo mejor es por que nunca aprendi como hablar formalmente.

Soy terrible pronunciando las palabras
And maybe it is because I never learned to speak formally.

My mom says I never speak in one language
Siempre hablo en dos lenguajes.

Mi ama dice que nunca puedo hablar en solo un idioma
I mix things up or forget words, so I just replace them.

Mezclo las palabras o se me olvidan, entonces las reemplazo
I always speak in two languages.

soy una mezcla de los que me vieron crecer, y de el lugar en cual yo creci.

I am a mix of those who saw me grow up, and the setting in which I grew up.

una guerra entre lo que soy y lo que quieren que sea.
Always a war inbetween who I am and who they want me to be.
pero nunca satisfaciendo a los dos.

but never satisfying both.
Sin Jan 2022
There’s those
that you meet on a whim

Those
that have you feeling
bliss

They come
And they go

With a soul
Full
Of gold

just for a moment

I don’t feel alone.
Sin Jan 2019
Let me see beneath your skin
Let me kiss your pain away

There are no stars in tonight’s sky
But the light reflecting in your eyes, makes it look like you stole them

Cool air pinches the tip of my nose,
You say you’re not cold

I can feel your smoke brushing against my neck

Surrounded by tall black trees
I’m scared of the monsters hiding inbetween

I can see your soul

You don’t care for anything

It’s just a front though.



You’re scared of the monsters too.

Inhaling until my lungs feel tight
I close my eyes
I can see everything
But I won’t say anything

I can feel your eyes on me

Our bodies touch
Like they’ve known each other

This is where I am supposed to be

I want to feel the gentleness of your lips

Let me adventure through your mind
And I will let you discover mine

Our thoughts make love under the midnight sky

And just like that you’ve touched my soul.
You’ve caught my eye.
Sin Oct 2022
This   is my resignation.

Best of wishes and lots of love

But it’s tiring
Keeping this façade

Temporary highs
Only to finish
with a permanent goodbye

You’ll say you didn’t see the signs
I guess to help you sleep at night

The only fault is mine

Or a twisted joke of nature

To be born wanting to die


                                       I craved to lust for life.
Sin Sep 2018
i     m i s s    y o u



b u t ,


i     m i s s     m e ,


    m o r e .
Sin Aug 2023
My thoughts are not my own
But of the past events that were left unknown

They seek an escape
A way out
My voice shakes
These words shout
Sin Jan 2019
Let me be
Set me free
Don’t care if it’s crazy
I am me
Finally
I am free
Sin Oct 2022
Time doesn’t wait
                  She flows.
      
If I could    
          I would hold her
                            Enough just to
                                                   Capture
The way your arms felt
       As they covered my heart
                             In a blanket of shelter

Time doesn’t  wait
       Sometimes she runs
          You think you can catch her
              Maybe   even run by her
You reach for her hand
             But she’s miles ahead.

Time doesn’t wait
      Sometimes she stops.
      Never where you’d like.
              Just    enough to remember
             The cries and the pain
              A pain so    unbearable.
      
Time doesn’t wait
        Sometimes  she  goes backwards
            Retracing your steps
                    Replaying your last words

Time doesn’t wait.
    But I wish that she would.
Sin Oct 2018
I left perfection in chase of the imaginary
Left the galaxy for a sliver of the moon
Left a lifetime of happiness for a second of ecstacy
Loyalty for loneliness
Patience is key.
Sin Aug 2023
My voice
used to shake walls
Intimidate souls
Straight through the core

But now I’ve got thorns
Growing on  my chords

It pains me to speak
Don’t want to believe
Could this really be me?
Sin Sep 2018
I wish to be the ocean
Sparkling under the night sky late July

I wish to be those moments in which we were
Innocent

I wish to be the words you sung at the top of your lungs
Before they told you
You ******

I wish to be the smile on my mothers face
When I proved all my teachers wrong

I wish to be the rainy days
When we played outside, and couldn't care less for mud

I wish to be the light in my brothers eyes
when he smiled for the first time

I wish to be the tree we used to climb
thinking we could reach the top of the world

I wish to be me
before the drugs.

— The End —