I do this
   Pretty much everyday

Sometimes you'll see me
   Other times i dont want you to

Whether it is on the outside
   Or in the inside

Its always a part
   Of who i am

It speaks softly
    And sometimes not

It can engulf me Suddenly
    Or creep up on me

What do i do
    nearly everyday
  
I let my tears fall and allow
   For me some Grace

How can I find love
    With all my broken parts
It is not true
    That my eyes haven't fallen upon it

To whisper a love's name
    Brings such excitement
But once I see upon it
    I find myself broken once again

WARNING:  STRONG FEELINGS OF ANGER AHEAD -

Guess I should try and try again
    It's useless I already know
And so,  it's fruitless trying to let anybody know

I cringe in such distaste of ignorant people

The people that say oh she just wants attention, or that she just doesnt want to get better

Well ******* you ignorant ****
Until you Have experienced  it shut the **** up!!

I knew when I woke up
    My thoughts were not (oh guess I want to be sad today or oh guess I will choose to be happy today)

Get a grip ignorant people!
For goodness sakes you should just shut the **** up!!

Your so ******* stupid - to think you know something when you know nothing at all about it - because if you did - you probably helped to put some innocent child, adolescent, young adult in their grave!!

So for those of you who don't know what it's like -

SHUT THE **** UP!!

To share my feelings
    With my best of words
Is so deliberating within
    My most vulnerable state
I seek you often
    Though not every day
It spills from my lips
     After day upon day
And night after night
    When i feel there is not much
       Left of me inside
I lay here remembering
      All the days that have passed
And a tear slips down my face
      For the forgotten child
           who lives lost within

How does one survive the turmoil inside
Doubts of oneself that replay on repeat
Crisis created out of truths put aside
Protecting the truth that caused the defeat


Then to learn no norm will ever be built
Never ever will it even be known
Then comes the shame and of course all the guilt
Damaged further and cannot be resewn

Then swept away with another high tide
Raising the same questions left from the past


Then look above for the reason to hide
Answers not given only added to the last
Then fears brought back upon shores of unreason
Living sadness still in another New season

The feeling i get
  Is all too real
Don't ask again
  The pain i can't peel

On and on
  It goes
There it is
  Like me still

You weren't a friend
  Just because you won
You'll always be a predator
  Don't you dare call me hon

Yes, you knew
  Your dream is hollow
Keep it up
   For mine shall follow

The ride of life
  in no direction
Can be the death
  Of you within it

Crazy days fill up my head
    To wish them away
Would be lazy in a day

For its those sun filled laughable
    Bids for the day
That project us so teasingly into the next day

I opened my eyes this morning
   And still i see I am alone

No one to blame however
   Because still I would push you away

That comes natural with me
   I dare to say

It's true I need you
    but will fear you instead

It's an action i call  push and  pull
and push away again

I must say I'm sorry
   But that is my way!

These  moments always  empty of life
existence  it will never be

For there was hope to one day
Feel the likes of all the others

Always dismissed and never seen
The spirit always being alone

Never rising to it's fullness
And never to be shown

It lays tethered
Bleeding and torn to shredds

If only one day it could
Ever succumb you

You would no longer judge
And no longer would you laugh

The screams of fear
Always left unheard

While laying and writhering
The escape of it never being

To pray for an exit
But leaving you here

Is not yet possible
Forever gone you'll always be
Non existent instead

Viewing life and all its existence
   Wondering where I fit in

Am i too an actual
   Participant

If so
   Why  this feeling
There's no proof of my
   Part in it

The passing by
   Of others and happiness
I see no
    Footprint left of mine

Must walk away from that small pebbled path

For to continue on
Hurting bare feet

Is to blind yourself
From your own defeat

So the saying goes
   1st time shame on you
      2nd time shame on me

When at last comes the end
     That shame still continues on

The existence of some days
  Hold me captive
For 1, 2 hours
  Even days at a time

I feel i can barely breathe
  That i am slowly dissipating
But it' is that drug!
  That **** drug i keep taking

How do i escape it
  Because it also keeps me alive
The running has got to end
  There's absolutely nothing of me left to bend

I scream and i scream
  Because I am alone
Please please
  Why me
Over and over again

For you To live my life
     It is difficult you'll see
For after about an hour
     You'd want to be freed
You just might finally
     See different and heed so many words
This time You will look at me differently
     I promise my every spoken word

I will keep walking ahead
   No matter which path

For there's no wrong way
   or right way

Print after print
   never leaving an end

The proof shows the strength
   Of undying hope always striving within

Forgiveness
   Foreshadows
       Of what we
            Sincerely will become

Here it is again
   My face hidden in hands
Short time ago
   I was sure I would learn how to let go
The ******* i use upon myself
   In any given day
Reaps such horror
    How can it ever be replaced

The weight of this soul brings
Not of joy
Sadness generates and permeates continually

The song of contentment never at hand
Only waves of disturbances crashing one after another

Never allowing a breath of freshness
Only the harshness that burns the lungs

Bringing a heavy heart only made to carry
Slowing down this shell  it evolved in

The love of another brings with it such fury
When at first it only felt so light and hopeful

That which is seen by the eyes for all others
Never knowing it is part of ones make up

The age of which one becomes it's own
Given by the creator to grow and see that it prospers

Try not to pour more hate upon
Me
The nature of what sits within allows no strength to guard it off

What do you do
     With broken parts
Lay them here
     Lay them there
I want them to dance
     To the soothing melody
I so dream of

I write my sadness
   To help explain

Without pen and paper
   It's just a stain