there’s a tiny bit of pleasure behind all of it
maybe I enjoy roaming these streets alone, picking myself up, all by myself
and maybe sometimes it ***** me up the fact that no one dares to come close and whoever takes the chances ends up being rejected and shut out  
what is it with me? why can’t I open up to you the same way you do why can’t I let it all out
I don’t want to be next, I watched you and the people you love the most drift apart and I just don’t want to be next. I don’t want to open my heart and let my soul attach itself to yours just so you could leave me shattered later on. six months later I can see myself ******* things up again
because I can’t help it, I can’t stop thinking
I can’t express my inner thoughts and emotions without being misunderstood but you, you fix me
you inspire me, you make me want to spend the rest of my life behind you, watching over you, making sure you’re safe and sound
you make me want to be a better person for you, the greatest friend anyone could ever have the privilege of encountering
I wish I was enough I wish I wasn’t so ****** up
but if we’re both as ****** up as we claim could we master the art of perfection? could we fill up each other with what we’ve got left? am I wrong for believing in you? for seeing things in you no one else can
or am i just another passing memory of yours?
teach me what I am to you for I must know how much to expect from you
I don’t want to expect anything from you
I don’t want you to know that you’re capable of letting me down because you’re by far the only thing I thought I needed and even if you take me by my arm and throw me across the Atlantic ocean you’d still be my favorite
best I ever had

in the end, in the very end of it, isn’t life just a series of illusions?
a mind-trick, a game?
aren’t we all just playing
who’s going to drift into the trap first?
we all believe we’d like to have immortality
but what we’d really like to have is peace
we talk about anti-racism and anti-sexism and anti-everything campaigns
but nothing seems to stop
nothing seems to change
because we are not willing to change what is not seen by the eye
what is kept in the chambers of our own souls
we strive
to be the best
yet we don’t really try
we have dreams
that we don’t really chase
we set
our goals up high, on the other side of the world
and make up our own paths
but only seem to head down low
we crave affection but
choose temporary connections
and ignore every last bit of redemption
of our loved ones and
we try
to move on
but find ourselves right back at the start
we try to be good to one another
without considering being good to ourselves
we try and try
to fill in the blanks
but forget that the words
are lined up right in front of us

maybe it is me after all
I’m ******* up I must confess
but with everything that you are you’ve been my all
took me a while to realize and now I know what’s best
months of longing through summer and fall
got used to the pain and the stress
I started hesitating, whether or not to call
I loved you wholeheartedly and you’ve shown me less
you were always running in circles, always wanted to roll
going to different places, placing out a test
you’ve been with different people that’s what I’ve been told
wasting time and emotions, calling it experience I guess
you wanted me first and foremost
I was yours by all means, yours to caress
I wanted a couple of simple things but I wanted you the most
so I went straight to holding your hands, pursuing happiness
feelings turned to affection and before I knew it I was deeply in love
rolled a dice, played mind games, but this wasn’t chess
our love was demanding nothing less than tough
but it was soothing and necessary, like some kind of anti-stress
you and I, we were far beyond words
we didn’t care to show or impress
it was the vibe and connection we had in store
we were different in spite of being a mess
see being perfect wasn’t what I aimed for
being with you elaborated supernovas in my chest
you could say it was painful but at least it wasn’t dull
all what I was focused on is your smile and your scent
I gave you my whole being and you wanted more
after a while I just wanted some rest
I was tired of being held down to the core
in the depths of my soul you owned residence and to you I was just a guest
is that what you call love or was it just for show?
breaking each others’ hearts while we claim we’re harmless
we cared about each other in ways no one could’ve known
but certain circumstances lead us to being careless
everything I could’ve seen and already saw
everything we’ve implanted in ourselves to avoid shallowness
everything about you that you think is a flaw
I want you for all that it is, I want your soul; celestial and flawless
but my dear where am I supposed to go
when the feeling of your skin against mine is no longer a bliss
within the warmth of your embrace I found my home
but is home really a feeling or is it a person you miss?
healing a person wasn’t something I’d know
to me, happiness was never a quest
you reached out for my help as you stood low
and suddenly I was willing to answer every request
now I lay in bed, covered in my sheets; as white as snow
energy drained, experiencing helplessness
the worst part is I predicted this all
despair and sorrow, nothing dares to hurt less

if you may now my dear, let me speak
because my words are a dead language that only you could read
my thoughts are prisoners and only you could set them free
and my god it makes no sense and i was never yours to keep
but somehow you manage to look through me so mesmerizingly
my dear, I wish I wasn’t but I’m in too deep
and what truly upsets me is the fact that
we never meet
except every night
when i see you in my dreams

I haven’t written in a while, the words seem to escape my mind before reaching my fingers
maybe it’s emptiness, that’s all that it is, you’ve hurt me until I’ve lost all emotions
I used to be a full glass of hope and potential, now I’m half empty
you spilled nearly everything out of me
and somehow even after all that I’ve found a way to be full again
full of pain, full of forgiveness
you took pieces of me, but somehow
I’ve found a way to be whole again
solitary, free, undetermined by anyone’s feelings or thoughts towards me
but even now, when i assume I’m better than ever, i get these waves again
and i used to not mind drowning, not at all
but now i suffocate
because after a long routine of opening the windows of my heart
and slowly, heavily taking a mouthful of fresh air
my lungs close in like I’ve never practiced breathing without you

what if
why
how come

sentences
words
letters

all don’t matter, all aren’t able to affect you unless you give them the power to

drugs
love

they don’t differ much

I’m completely sober yet I’ve been feeling like a drug addict ever since I fell in love with you

you
7 billion other people

oh but they don’t come close to what you mean to me. you’re astonishing, completely out of this
world; you differ from anyone I’ve ever known

scents and smiles and many other faces
I find enjoyment in observing art, in staring at beautiful faces and structures and movements
but you, God. pretty is not the word, you’re way more than that. personalities and looks, but your soul is way beyond that

dreams
fantasies
illusions

I find you in my dreams, fantasies and illusions
I find you in book shelves, on each letter of my favourite quote
I find you in people’s eyes, on each iris I pass by
I find you in deep poems, in messy paintings, through art galleries and museums
I find you in my mind, on each thought, in every corner

everywhere
anywhere

yet I choose to keep you locked in the deepest parts of me

two
ten…
seventeen years passed by and I wish I knew you earlier
I wish I carried you on my shoulders and held you tightly, closely to the pulse of my own heart