My best friend is amazing. The way she lights up a room. With her voice that sounds like soft rain through your window when she's tired. With her eyes that sometimes look like whiskey; that sometimes look like the kind of moss you find on trees in the middle of the forest in Oregon. Her iris, always hiding the stars. Like if you look deep enough you could see the end of space; galaxy upon galaxy. She has a smile that I swear is the sun. It lights up every part of my life. I gravitate towards it; like a bug to a front porch light. Constantly buzzing, hovering. Constantly feeling the need to protect. Literally feeling my shoulders tense up if there's even the slightest chance of harm.

She's such a beautiful individual. You know the feeling you get when you travel to a new place and see things you've never seen before? It's like I spend all my time exploring the eighth wonder of the world. And I'm one of the only people who get a chance to see. I've taken in more than a million sunsets on a million different beaches in the all the corners of the earth. I've seen more than a thousand monuments; more than a thousand picture perfect places. Felt all of their wonder. But you know when you come home from a long trip, and your car finally reaches the driveway and you see your front door and put your stuff down in your room and lie on your bed and just feel a sense of home and comfort? Well she's like that too. She's my home, my shelter. The person I always go to when I am feeling down, even if she doesn't know it and we just watch movies on the couch all day. She's the person I text when the depression hits me and I want to take a razor to my wrist. She's my home.

My best friend. The most amazing person I've ever known, or ever will know. I have made thousands of memories, and can't wait to make thousands more. Everything that I do has a piece of her in it. And I just feel so honored to have been able to be part of her life. And hope I've been half the friend that she has been to me.

I had a box of letters that I kept hidden in the crawl space in the attic. They were all to you. I would read through old stories and moments that we shared and the fire in my chest would burn even higher than before. I wrote to you, and told you how you seemed like the air and that I wanted to breathe you in. How you were the sun, and I wanted to spend my whole life in the summer. How you were the rain, and how I fell for you to be like the rain too. One day I got angry, angry because it had stopped raining, yet the sun didnt show through. And I tried to take in lungfulls of air but I choked on nothing. I took our box of letters and secrets, our box of late night tear stains and drunken conversations and lit a match. I burnt them all. So I could just forget about everything and the fire would die out inside of me. But I found that box today with only one letter inside. "J-," it read, "it has always been you. -S" you'll never see it. But it has.. It has always been you.

When I say that I want to die,
I don't mean that I want to leave
My friends and family.
I mean I want all the bad parts of myself to be killed.
I'm tired of the nightmares,
The confusion.
The loneliness,
The depression,
The anger...
I want all of it gone.
I can put it away,
I can hold it inside,
I can pretend to be good
And happy
And sane.
But when it comes down to it,
I'm all bad things underneath.
And even though I try to make myself
Good...
The bad things always come right back to the surface,
I can't escape,
And oh my god.
I want to die

I have never seen someone so broken
until I looked in the mirror tonight.
After spending an hour driving
a hundred miles per hour in my car.
Up and down the free ways,
crying so hard, I couldn't even see.
I hate the way you make me,
storming out of the house,
calling me every name in the book.
Grabbing your keys,
car scraping across the pavement as you drive off.
Are you crazy??
You could have killed someone,
or gotten killed yourself.
I could have been killed..

I wanted to be

I spent the whole time fantasizing
about slamming my car into the guard rail.
Or blowing a red light.
I fantasized about you sobering up,
and realizing that you're the one that killed me.
I wanted you to feel pain.
Pain like you've caused me.
Because you died.
About a year ago.
I don't even know who you are anymore.
All I know,
is that you cause me pain.

Sometimes I have these dreams where you are taken from me. Your parents are usually the ones to tell me, their faces contorted with grief and streaked with tears. I fall to the floor, and on my knees I sit, everytime without fail, I fall to the floor. I'm not sure if I could call the emotion in my chest pain because that's such an understatement to what's happening in my body. Imagine an elephant sitting on your chest, crushing your lungs so you could not breathe. And imagine yellow jackets swarming inside of you. Your heart is their nest and they drift out, provoked, stinging you over and over; leaving thousands of stabs of pain in your chest, all combining to form one kind of poison. It hurts so bad it almost has this itchiness about it. And then imagine someone smashing your head open with a hammer. No form of thought, nothing being processed. Just darkness. Just grief. And then my dreams change to being at your funeral. What does one wear, I wonder? to an occasion which marks the ending of life as they knew it. I would just sit there.. I can never hear anything, it just hurts so bad. I'm constantly crying, not even able to get a grip on reality. Because it couldn't be real could it? My biggest fear coming true. And before I wake up shaking and so hot but so cold at the same time.. My dreams shift to me driving alone in my car, with that dead expression I get sometimes. Always listening to music, always hungry but having no appetite, always thinking about you. And when I wake up from these dreams, I really do think about you. And I pray. Hard. Not even praying.. Just letting God read my thoughts. Because what would happen if I ever lost you? Oh my god.. I couldn't imagine. I would be absolutely nothing. Worse, than my most hellish dreams. So please don't ever leave me in any way shape or form. I couldn't do it. Not even in my dreams.

Have you ever tried to flex your heart to make sure it was still in your chest?

Everytime you tried to choke down what was hurting you, you realized it didn't matter anymore.

Lately, I've been doing okay. Except when the night starts telling secrets to the dawn so I have to make sure they don't whisper your name.

Please, don't worry about me though. Just focus on being happy.



Maybe one day, things will be in a place where you can see a shadow and smile without swallowing shards of glass.

E**ven though I promised to always be here, it will **** is both if I stay. I'm so sorry.

I am sorry for all I caused you.
I saw you sink in my eyes and I lost you.
Thought it cost you,
To see me breathe in broken souls,
Never knew about the love I sold.
I ripped up all the truths in my head,
Wished me dead in a bed
Where I bled,
And the wind spoke.
All the secrets that I had inside me
Beat on the doors till they shattered and the lock broke,
I always felt like a flower on a hillside,
Mercy to the wind and you till I
finally died.
The sun set in my throat,
It rained in my eyes,
I had no where to go.
I am sorry that my anger left stains on your skin.
But you cut me with the lies you told,
And you broke me with things that we never could have been.
I sinned,
Serpents sliding down my cheeks.
When I speak,
Its like the tide is in my mouth,
The waves moving south until they're gone.
We build up our bodies,
Broken promises,
And whispers we hear in our head.
The foundation we've set is shaking,
It can't handle us breaking,
And can't handle us faking so tell the truth.
I have never lied to you.
But you took the love I gave and you threw it.
I never knew how my half a heart craved your hand but now I do.
You are like the greatest poison.
Moving through my own veins with no noise and,
My hands shake wothout my fix,
But you can't fix me,
Its true.
I need you to stay here now,
While I fly away,
Leaving you standing on the ground,
Don't frown,
You never needed me,
With concieded tragedy
Trembling from your lips.
And I know you can feel it,
Can taste materiality when you kiss.
My head is crashing,
My body thrashing
on the ground till its blue,
I'm not saying that I want to leave,
I'm just saying that you can't love me like I need.
I know it might be hard
But I'm looking so far
And all I can see is my tears.
How am I supposed to live this way?
Waiting day by day
For you to reveal all my fears.
You know I hate my future,
As much as I hate your present suture
You're letting dive into your heart.
I don't know how to start,
In a world where you're my world
But I'm not yours.
I say that I will leave and close the door,
Leave it a crack,
So I can see your light in the dark,
And find my way back.
All I asked of you was your hand,
Press it to my chest,
I know you can.
You make me resent all the words that I've said,
Went through your ears,
Passed by your brain and out your head.
You said,
You don't know how to help me,
I'm not the titanic that's sinking,
Just a person that's wishing,
that someone had taught me to swim.
I know you don't get me,
Don't understand what my head thinks,
Well darling that makes two.

I hope you know that I'll always hold you;

always catch you when you fall.

You're so strong, with your proud chin hoisted upwards.

No one would ever see the slouch in your shoulders,

unless you wanted them to.

The tiredness of your eyes;

deep purple smudges on your eyelids.

Your smile may settle in a delightful curve

but it doesn't set in your eyes like the sun.

I will catch you, I promise;

If you should choose to fall, do not be wary.

You won't hit the hard ground, the cold earth.

But you will hit my arms.

And you can just rest there.

Rest there, my dear.

And don't worry about anything.

You don't have to speak;

I will listen to the way your voice sounds,

sincere or not;

I will catch you, darling.

If you should ever fall.

Go under water and breathe in.

2. Take your dinner knife and push it through your heart. Slowly.

3. Open up your skull, and fill it with bees. Dance around a bit to aggravate them.

4. Stare into the sun without blinking.

5. Stick your tongue to a stop sign pole when the temperature is below zero.

6. Walk across a fire pit. Hell, just stand still in the middle.

7. Run as fast as you can and hit the corner of your counter with your hip bones.

8. Bite on your lower lip until it bleeds.

9. Lie on the ground and have someone put rocks onto your chest.

10. Pour grits on the floor and kneel upon them. You'll bleed some, but that's okay.

10. Go outside during an autumn evening with a sweatshirt on. Do you feel that breeze?

9. Read the Bible and wonder why God didn't tell anyone to write a book solely about you.

8. Play with children.

7. Stay up late and watch your favorite shows under thick blankets and pillows.

6. Put up Christmas lights and turn off all the others and think of how happy you were in every Christmas you've ever had.

5. Go to your local ball park and catch a game.

4. Look at how the stars match the same constellations in your eyes.

3. Go camping and wake up early. Make sure you make hot chocolate and fried potatoes and wear a hoody the whole trip.

2. Read poetry and sit at the ocean.

1. Fall in love with yourself too.

The world is a war.
Children can't even play outside anymore.
Bullets fall down as easily as rain,
as fathers and mothers weep from the pain.
No more midnight movies,
or school day fun.
No more trips to the city,
to go on a run.
Bombs blow smoke clouds up in the air,
filling the air with such a despair.
The ground splattered blood red
and Nike Free blue.
Lunch halls with bullet holes
and soaked with spilled juice.
And the playground goes quiet,
just ghosts on the swings.
Not old enough to know what happened,
never even seeing sixteen.
And if you wonder why I worry,
and always want you safe..
It's stories like these,
that really make me pray.

Every time I look in the mirror,
           I am disgusted by myself.
                      The way I look.
                 The way I move.
                                                       The way everything is so
    

                                         big.
I hate my genes,
                                                      And I hate my jeans.
I hate being beautiful in "my own way"
                   I think I'd rather them just say I'm plain.

I hate the way I have laughed at myself
           So now all my friends laugh at me too.
And I just shake it off;
             Even though it
                       *hurts me.
                             And I
                                hate
                          ­        the
                                way
                 ­                     I
                                  am.

Your blue eyes are the ocean,
and I drowned myself at sea.

Your smile is as bright as snow,
so I freeze to death in winter.

And your kisses taste like cigarettes,
so now I'm addicted to smoking.

I am scared. I am scared of failing, of never prevailing; of being let down and being let go. I'm scared of you hurting, of never really learning, of not being here to get to watch you grow. And tomorrow: who knows what it brings; thousands of things, that seem to sing, and scream, and claw at my head. Making my eyesight swallowed in red. And it's  said; I won't forget you I know that it's true. But the days pass by and I'm almost through. Why can't you, just come with me when I go? Just drop everything and come and hit the road. But I'm selfish, for even thinking such things. The emptiness consumes me and I want to just scream; your name, my anchor, my truth. The one one who made me believe, that's you. And I know, I overwhelm you and put the stress in your back. And I say things I shouldn't and I never relax. And you get quiet or maybe don't reply; and sometimes I sit here just waiting and die. It's not your fault.. I know I'm too much. I guess I just have an issue with trust. I have an issue with forgetting, with just letting go. Especially when I remember everything you don't know. I'm okay with being loved how I am now. Of sometimes hitting cold shoulders and frowns. Of watching you drown; even when I throw you a rope. Even when I try to give you some hope; a smile, my shoulders to lean. But I don't know if you listen to me or anything. I tell you I love you, that you're my whole world. I don't just say this to you to give you a whirl. To hear something back; though I admit it'd be nice. I haven't heard it for awhile; maybe once or twice. See the truth is, I'm pathetic. But it's the way that I am. Holding onto your words with both of my hands. I'm terrified, to ever let you go. Though I have a friend similar and she says she knows; that when I go, it'll never be the same. That you'll forget my name and from where I came. From who I am, and how I act. She said that all I'll see is your back; as it turns from me and walks out the door. I think if that happens I'll just sit on the floor. Give me a jacket to hug myself and a pinwheel to blow, spin round and round and see where it goes. Because that's what I'd be like; just spinning round and round. Waiting for you to come back around. To visit, to text me, to call me goodnight. I'm not gonna hold you back from your life. I want you to grow, to meet somebody new. To have a best friend who can be there with you. I want you to go on adventures and laugh in the sun. Someone to be there to let you have fun. And not be so protective as I always was. Let you lean on them and give you their love. I'm preparing for my last night to be a final goodbye. Just because what if it is, and I never got to cry? Or tell you how I love the color of your eyes; your humor.. There's so many things. So many things that I'll always sing; and keep in my heart. Together forever and never apart. Well, I guess apart. And like I said I'm scared. I know you'll see this and won't say a word; it's not how you are, of that I'm sure. Just know that I spent an hour, lying in my room. Trying not to call you and tell you I love you. Trying not to text you, just to say sweet dreams. Trying to not think of you and everything you mean; to me. I'm terrified and I have been every day. And I will be every night until I go away. And I'll probably sit in my room there, a few hours up the state. And write about the way you are on another hundred page.

I love you and I always will.
Even when I get on your nerves,
when I annoy you,
and maybe am not the nicest.
                 *I love you and I always will.
                 Even when you don't want to trust me,
                 when you don't want to be around me,
                 but at the same time you do.
I love you and I always will.
For all the memories we have shared.
Every good one,
and every bad.
And for all of the ones to come.
                 I love you and I always will.
                 Even if you don't feel the way my heart
                 feels around you.
                 Or you don't understand the way
                 my soul kind of clicks whenever
                 you're here.
                 I don't understand it either.
                 I just know I have a million things to say,
                 and a lot of them,
                 I know you don't want to hear.
                 There's nothing wrong with that.

*But I love you and I always will.

I was everything,
           then I was something.
Now I am something,
           falling into


n


o


t


h


i


n


g

If you wonder why I only stay for hours,
and pull out of your drive at midnight..
Its because I don't want you to see me
pulling at my skin and
clawing at my face.
I don't want you to see me
snap rubber bands on my wrists to
hide the lines the next morning.
I don't want you to see me,
Tear streaked,
Red faced,
Screaming out at everything inside of me,
Trying to cut the broken pieces out of myself,
Tongue black from the smoke
and sluggish from the bottle.
Have you ever noticed that you've necer seen me cry?
You've never seen me bleed?
No.
Because once I start, I can't stop.
I'm going from bad to worse,
and I refuse to take you with me.

I may be a thousand different puzzle pieces,
Trying to smash together.
I may be a little bit of sun,
a little bit of rain,
and a whole lot of stormy weather.
I may be a million broken truths,
a thousand ragged scars,
and have a heart that's black and blue.
But now I have an unchained smile,
A sense of self worth..
All of it thanks to you.

Sometimes,
I try to escape you.
Whether in my thoughts;
or in my day.
I have become spectacular at blocking out
the memories.
But sometimes,
I try to escape you.
When I see the curve of your cheek
lit in the soft moon light
and all I want to do is reach out and cup my hand on your face;
I try to escape you.
When I close my eyes with you right next to me;
and I dream of interlacing my fingers with yours,
my head on your chest.
When I can hear the actual sound of your heartbeat being imitated in my sleep;
and I wake up and wonder.. hope.. That I wasn't dreaming;
too afraid to ask in fear of being chastised for wanting you..
I try to escape you.
And in the morning, I prepare myself to go home.
Even though I know I'll miss you
and only think of you when I'm there.
But then you ask me to stay one more night
and I can't say no to your beautiful green eyes
or your bright smile.
I try to escape you.
But I can't.
**My love.

I want you to know that it's okay to be broken. To just be the thousands of tiny pieces that you are. To not always be whole, but sometimes hollow. I know you hold things down in your chest; pushing them back to hide in all the darkest places of your heart. But I know it takes more out of you than you are willing to recognize. I know I'm the opposite of you and I get in trouble for that. And in all honesty..yeah, it does hurt to be ridiculed for just dealing with things how I need to. In spite of that.. I don't want you to ever feel like I do. Stop being so insecure. I know people have hurt you and I know I'm probably one of them. But those boys who have lied to you and fooled around on you.. That is their own insecurities coming out of them. They are good for nothing and I swear to you, in a few years it'll show through. Just realize you are beautiful and the best friend I've ever had even though we fight constantly and **** each other off. You may not always have the attention of the people you want or be praised by the people you want. But you've made me smile at least once everyday for the last three years and that has to be worth something, doesn't it?

Raging, staging, contemplating and waiting.
Bleeding out seeds from knees that heed not one thing
****** up.
Roughed up.
Rain Falling from eyes that sting
Sing
Of heart ache of heart break
Starving
Silent.
Why vent.
Holding on to hell
They call it life
But it's not, it's a well
Can you tell
From the smell
Of broken dreams and torn seams
And wrists bleed and ghosts seen
Compassion snapping
Planes crashing
Sea water splashing
Waves
Waves of pain
Of shame
Of heart break
Of tear stains
Insane
I am
Always will be
Always reeling
Always sealing
Lips closed
I know
That you know that I'll go
Chest snow
Chest dust
Chest rust
Hollow
I swallow
I try
I swallow
I breathe
I see
I bleed
Never dying, always crying
Always trying always spying
Why're you lying
Fear
You see her
But don't see her
I don't see her
But I see her
Happiness
Not mine
But it's fine
I don't mind, to die
But why is it so slow
Why must I go
I don't know
All I am is bad
All I am is sad
I'm so sorry I get mad
You don't deserve to be treated bad
My heart breaks
Millions of pieces
Of your name
In blood stains
This story is all the same
I'm just trying to show you
That I am insane