You were birthed blood orange
Arriving out of the blue sky
Violent and lovely in color
Bursting with ***** hues
Tinting everything you touched
With a tinge of wantonness
Puckering loose lips
With tighter fists
Heating the ground under foot
Singeing palms on thighs
Igniting fires of desire
Thought to be extinguished

But as quickly as you came
You waned into a purple haze
The backdrop of a lazy sunset
And coasted along the shoreline
Until you turned midnight blue
And faded from memory

I hope my love catches up to you
In the quietest of evenings
As you lay in bed
And think of me

I hope it creeps into your bones
Until you can barely move
Settling in and spreading forth
Silently fracturing, piece by piece

I hope it seeps into your blood
That flows deep in your body
Flooding your veins with regret
Clogging your arteries with longing

I hope it lingers in the air
Gently filling your lungs
Leaving the taste of me in your mouth
The residue clinging to your teeth

I hope it grazes your skin
Raising your hair on end
The softest of shocks
The lost feeling of my touch on your fingertips

I hope it warms the place beside you
And leaves an indention that was never there
The weight of the ghost of me
Long gone...that was ages ago

I had met you once before
Years ago in high school halls
With backpacks and bustling teenagers
Acne and doubt plaguing the lot of us
A place we said we all hated
But the figurative watering hole
Of our small Texas town
I paid you little to no attention
Too self-absorbed to see you
And seemed to have lost you in the shuffle
Of weary letterman teens

I grew up
And out of that Texas town
Fell in and out of love
And struggled on my own two feet
Trying to find a home and heart that fit

I met you again
In the airport at luggage claim
With backpacks and bustling people
Fatigue and nerves plaguing the lot of us
A moment I played in my mind
Over and over again
And when I finally saw you
Bright-eyed and in love with me
I found you again in the shuffle
Of weary jet-lagged passengers

I fell in love with you
In that very moment
And as you held me against you
I found the home
I was always searching for

you burned down
like the end of a cigarette
singed my fingers
with your flame
but you died out
with every breath I took of you
and left me with only ashes
to show for it

You were afraid to let me in
Into the dark caverns of your mind
The spaces you've been ashamed of
The places you've been told to hide
I wandered precariously in
Took my time with every step
Careful not to disturb the littered ground
And ran my fingers along the rocky walls
Took long breaths of you
And sensed all pain and heartbreak
Pierce through my thin skin
Frightened, I faltered and stepped back

But once the walls were illuminated
I discovered the complex depths of you
The nooks and crannies of your heart
The things you've always held so close
Felt them as if they were my own
Pouring through my own hidden spaces
And it occurred to me in that very moment
How I've never loved you more.

You could never really look at
The color yellow the same
Because she put in it poems
And wore it against her shoulders

You found in the way she smiled
Or the noise she made when she laughed
It burst through the times she cried
Swam in her crocodile tears

It settled on her furniture in pillows
And moved through her bones in daylight
But reflected in her eyes in the nighttime
Cartwheeled on her eyelashes

She exhaled it in between sheets
And whispered it against your ear
It warmed her hands as they touched you
Engulfed her soft fingertips

You found it in her curled hair
Or the freckles on her arched back
It hung on her pink plump lips
Vibrated in her velvety kisses

It patterned the dresses she wore
And painted the tips of her toes
But tickled the nape of her neck
Danced on her tanned skin

She held it tightly in her chest
And you felt it when you held her close
It hummed against your own
Consumed her entire body

You could never really look at
The color yellow the same
Because she put it in poems
And all it ever did
Was remind you of her

i put the sketches
that god created of us
side by side
and i had trouble
finding where you began
and i ended
as if he moved quickly from me
thick lined and stubborn
to you
graceful and tender
we bled together
our outlines taking coarse shape
two halves
of the same whole
cosmically joined together
like distant stars
flashing the same tone
of light
against
the dark abyss

my cup was always half empty
and yearned to be filled
by someone who would stay
other boys filled it up
but always tended to get thirsty
and drank me
until there wasn’t a drop left
i was left bone dry
to slowly fill myself
back up
and up
and up
and up

but then you came
and poured
and poured
and poured
until my cup over-flowed

You laid out crisp white towels
All over the cold tile floor
Our very own continent of ice
Antarctica in the kitchen

You had drawn the blinds
Over the plane glass windows
Our very own prison for two
Alcatraz in the suburbs

You pressed your hands together
Gripping sharp words between them
Your very own brandished knives
Weapons of great power

You dressed in a plastic suit
Preparing for the blood bath ahead
Your very own contained quarantine
Shields of polyethylene

You spoke the words
Cutting me right down the middle
My very own personal mitosis
Annihilation in the suburbs

You stood looming over me
Finishing the messy job
My very own ****** scene
Homicide in the kitchen

you came rolling in like thunder

with your lips parted and wet

like the leaves on the trees

even hours after it has rained



a hurricane

of the greatest proportion

I can still feel my thighs grate against the sand

And feel my hair wrapped around your hands

The moon sat heavy in the midnight sky

And the waves crashed into the coast

Your warm breath hung in the cool air

And my skin rose to your every touch

The sand still felt hot from the sun

And the sea breeze tasted of salt

Your mouth found mine at last

And I eagerly answered your request

The outline of your body against the moonlight

And my body pressed into the inviting Earth

Your fingertips grazed the most private of places

And your lips browsed the softest places

As we discovered how we moved in sync

That night on that deserted beach

You were all the shades of purple
Violet petals blowing in the wind
Mauve smashed grapes between toes
Plum like bruises on bent backs

You melted into the hues of blue
Cornflower sky vibrant in July
Teal waves bombarding the coast
Navy like jeans with grass stained knees

You faded into the tones of green
Olive leaves on thick trunked trees
Lime frogs hopping on branches
Chartreuse like fresh cut kiwi

You gave into the tints of yellow
Golden sunrises on the horizon
Khaki canvases stretched thin
Canary like lemon drops on tongues

You were all the shades of orange
Tangerine bonfires at midnight
Rusty nails twisted into planks
Amber like dripping honey bee hives

You darkened into all the hues of red
Cherry slick tabletops in a diner
Rosy cheeks flushed from the cold
Pomegranate like bricked suburban houses

You waned into the tones of pink
Magenta cotton candy stuck to lips
Coral reefs blooming on the seafloor
Peach like skin after a day at the beach

You disappeared into the tints of white
Powdery snow on concrete ground
Cream goosebumps on silky thighs
Ivory like teeth through pursed mouths

And in sharp contrast, became black
Obsidian rocks at the volcanic base
Charcoal soot stuck under fingernails
Onyx like the deepest darkest night

I used to love the moments of love
Like the gratuitous glances
We exchanged in the grocery store
Or the brief belly laughs
That reverberated in our bedroom

I found myself living in them
Like the kind kisses
We had in the tight kitchen
Or the sly smirks
Reflected off the shower stall

I wanted them all the time
Like the ample adoration
Down adjacent bookstore aisles
Or the careening caresses
Of my thighs in the car

Even when sour, I held them so close to me
Like the damaged despair
Of broken plates in the dining room
Or the warning words
That echoed off white walls

I remembered every moment
Like the accusing anger
Spread across awful afternoons
Or the effortless embraces
Given in endured evenings

And sometimes, I wished I could forget them
Like the somber silences
In separate sides of the bed
Or the tearful touches
Of hands tightly ****** together

I used to love the moments of love
Like the beginning beauty
Of blushed bedroom faces
Or the frightened farewells
Under falling rain

You poured down
Like a rainstorm
On a warm August night
Soaked dry clothes through
In your careless wake
Leaving me drenched in you
You were damp
On my skin
Weighing me down
Pulling me deep under
Until all I could do was tread water
And drown in you

You flew overhead
Like a baseball
Hit by a shy rookie
On opening night
Moved quick like lightning
And soared above the stands
You were out of reach
Out of my hands
Collecting hundreds of eyes
Raising people to their feet
Until you were out of sight
And disappeared completely

You burst forth
Like a firework
On the 4th of July
Full of color and light
Causing oohs and awes
From a captivated crowd
You were loud
In my ears
Cracking apart my doubts
Amplifying love instead
Until the show was over
And you grew quiet in the silence

You drew in
Like a painting
Birthed by a masterclass
With strokes of yellow and blue
Oils bleeding together
And colors blending into one
You were confounding
Out of my grasp
Receiving praise from the gallery
Applause from your admirers
Until you became famous in the afterglow
And forgot about your biggest fan

You left behind
Like an earthquake
Of the greatest proportions
With buildings toppled over
Car alarms blaring in the street
And rubble lying at my feet
You were gone
But took a second look back
To survey the damage you made
Estimate the cost of repairs
Until you held the pieces of me in your hands
And let them fall between your open fingers

You can make love
With careful caresses and tasteful touches
Your breath, slow and steady, on my neck
Your heart, hard and heavy, in your chest

Or you can ****
With harsh hands and boastful bites
Your breath, fast and frantic, on my neck
Your heart, rapid and reeling, in your chest

You can make love
With kind kisses and mild moans
Your body, pressed and playful, against me
Your eyes, wide and willing, fixed upon mine

Or you can ****
With snappy slaps and ****** vices
Your body, lewd and lively, against me
Your eyes, dilated and detailed, fixed upon mine

You can make love
And feel every detail of the other
Or you can ****
And leave in the morning for another

I’ve felt love before
In moonlit travels, bright and eager
And in frost bitten hearts
Frigid and cold on the skin

I’ve felt love before
In calloused hands, veined and pained
And in deep blue eyes
Beautiful and sad in their depths

I’ve felt love before
In hot water, steamy and passion-filled
And in laundered bed sheets
Tousled and unfolded around the edges

I’ve felt love before
In whispered words, quiet and lovely
And in plain white t-shirts
Wrinkled and loose on the skin

I’ve felt love before
In smooth kisses, careful and deliberate
And in bony collarbones
Sturdy and solid in their depths

I’ve felt love before
In wildest dreams, sewn shut and clean
And in technicolor reality
Neon and fuzzy around the edges

I’ve felt love before
In different men, unique and contained
But now in sharp contrast
Overflowing and pouring forth

you promised sweet smiles
like gumdrops and buttercups
a taste so **** it makes your lips pucker
just at the thought of it

you promised creature comforts
like breakfast in bed
a smell so familiar it feels like home
just at the thought of it

you promised vast visions
like bright white night stars
a sight so tremendous it makes your eyes spark
just at the thought of it

you promised magnificent music
like lullabies and quiet goodnights
a sound so playful it makes your ears perk
just at the thought of it

you promised deep desire
like red velvet roses
a touch so soft it makes your skin rise
just at the thought of it

but you also promised future memories
like holidays and yellow houses
a promise so broken it makes your heart hurt
just at the thought of it

honeysuckle vines raptured
with blossoms bursting at the seams
gargantuan purple plum figs
drooping on delicate branches
with aromas of pleasure and sweat
like tousled sheets on bedroom floors

insects crawl on tiny feet
with the smallest winking whiskers
chirps of crickets fill the night sky
pouring into the desperate silence
with sounds of eagerness and delight
like laughter through closed doors

the seeds sink in
with shells cracked open in need
soaked into the wet and hungry soil
pods broken, wasted underneath
with sour dirt between their teeth
like anger between quarreling lovers

feet planted into the cold earth
with roots stuck against the grain
heavy hearted tree trunks
aged and weathered in time
with wrinkled scars of the past
like faded memories of what’s gone

but the sun peeks through
with a hopefulness like never before
and beats down on the pale garden
that time seemed to forget
with lust and light and love
like a brand new start
with someone different

I'm full of emotion

All tip topsy turvy

With laughter billowing

Out of my pursed lips

And the sun is beating down

Through the half-down windows

Of your beat up Chevy truck

As it bounces down these country roads

Your hand loosely grips

The black leather steering wheel

While the other hand precariously

Balances a cigarette between *******

The wind jostles the truck

As you increase your speed

You look at me wildly

Daring me to tell you to stop

Instead, I look back

Studying every fraction of your face
Knowing this would be the last time

That this would be my memory of you

 
 
Wild, free, and beautiful

Daring life to take you away.

tanned by the filtered sunlight
skin singed by the ultraviolet rays
rich and green and lush under the canopy
hopeful hearts and viscous viper vines
red flowers blooming on the forest floor
but you were dark inside

fixed in the current of the undertow
held under to drown delightfully
brow beaten and weary bones withered
salty seawater and coral colored conundrums
veins pumping warm blood through warmer bodies
but you felt cool to the touch

gorged on the fruits of your love
plump bellies full of sweet lies
half comatose in awakened anger
telling truths and infinite inciting indecisions
beasts of burden finally coming to light
but you lied from the start

amazed at the loneliness of after
loves of past wandering hallways
phantoms ******* with light switches
lovely longing and ghastly ghost grievances
vaguely haunted in the aftermath
but you died so long ago

my eyes were tired from crying
as i sat on the edge of the hotel bed
with covers bundle at the foot
and you breathing softly on the other end

our clothes were scattered on the floor
a t-shirt here, a sweater there
reminding me of a passion
that ceased to exist

and light filtered through the blinds
creating monochromatic stripes on your back
coloring you in black and white
like a old photograph

i wanted to reach out and touch you
feel the warmth of your skin
but the room smelled of ***
and tear filled regret

morning came so quickly
as you slept and I lingered
in the final night of pretending
we were still us

her favorite color was yellow
she loved the way it burst
and swayed in between flower petals
how the sun peeked through the clouds
after a particularly rainy day

she met a boy who liked the color orange
like pumpkin pie and japanese beetles
ultra-fluorescent vests and crushed leaves
he liked the way it stood out from the crowd
and shined brightly against a bleak background

but she was yellow and he was the color orange
close enough to be one in the same
but too different to combine
one calm and riddled with sadness
the other frantic and full of doubt

the two colors started to bleed together
yellow and the color orange
each trying to brighten the other
but they became muddled as one
and lost sight of one another

There’s space between us
And I can feel the ground snap
And splinter under our feet
The sound of it is deafening
Overwhelming me with each crack
I can see the memories
Slip silently through the cracks
One by one
Until they become obsolete
I can sense myself slipping
Scrambling for my own footing
Falling into the darkness
Of losing you
I can try and hold on
To the sharp edges of us
But my hands have grown ******
Torn by the words poured on the floor

i feel like my mind can’t be contained
and all the dark thoughts i harbor beneath
pour into the surrounding life i live
poisoning the happiness i’ve come to find

it betrays me by rotting me from the inside out
and eroding every joyful memory into dust
questioning the steps i’ve taken to get where i am
quick to replace the comfort with silent pain

i wish i could finally shake loose of my mind
and leave behind the decayed flesh of it
abandon the past and all the scars in its wake
acquire back the light i used to hold

but i’m stuck in a prison i’ve created myself
and have lost the keys to my own happiness
trapped in a web of doubt and uncertainty
trampled by my own two feet

I’ve been the girl who held him too close
I’ve pleaded and cried into his chest
I’ve been held just as close
But felt just as far away
And clung to the back of his t-shirt

I’ve been the girl who knew he was unhappy
I’ve pleaded and cried into the silence
I’ve felt him drift to the other side of the bed
My thoughts of him ran wild
And seeped into reality

I’ve been the girl who called him over and over
I’ve pleaded and cried into his voicemail
I’ve said this was the last time I would call
My voice choking on the words
And hung up with a lonely goodbye

I’ve been the girl who begged him to stay
I’ve pleaded and cried into my hands
I’ve blocked the door in protest
My arms spread across the threshold
And asked if he still loved me

I’ve been the girl left alone in an apartment
I’ve pleaded and cried into the blank walls
I’ve packed my things and ghosts of him
Walked across the now foreign home
And left behind the memory of who we were

I never said no
But I know I never wanted to
End up in your bedroom
That sweltering afternoon
With your thick, rough hands
Pressed against me

I focused on any part of the room
That wasn’t you
Fixed my gaze on a poster on your wall
And listened to the box fan on the floor
Trying my best to drown out
The sounds coming out of your mouth

I never said stop
But I wanted you to
Quit kissing me with your foreign lips
Feeling the stubble on your jaw
Rub my face raw
Smell your soured breath from cigarettes

I counted the seconds
Until it was over
When you rolled off of me
I wanted to shout and scream
Hateful and ugly things
But I was silent in that unmade bed

I never said no
But I know I never wanted to
End up in your bedroom
With you, but thoroughly alone.

there was never any contentment in being alone for you
the presence of another is a feeling you always craved
having someone to talk to into the night about nothing
the weight of them on the other side of the warm bed

the sound of loneliness was almost too much to bear
the quiet shutting of cabinets in the dark moonlight
leaving lights on in an empty apartment to feel alive
the singular towel hanging from the bathroom wall

you wanted the comfort of another to hold onto
the smell of them lingering in the pillowcase
having their fingerprints leave marks on the tabletop
the noise of their slumber lulling you to sleep

there was a certain chaos to being by yourself
the treacherous territory of idleness and boredom
learning how to make dinner for only one
the unfamiliarity of discovering who you are

you felt that home was when you were with another
the taste of their lips in the pale morning light
hearing their voice behind closed bedroom doors
the discarded clothes strewn across the room

being alone felt heavier than anything you ever knew
because you knew the only company
you were able to keep
was your own

she waited for him to erase her
as he put his pencil to paper
and created her
he traced the upturn of her smile
precisely picturing the laugh that proceeded
he sketched out the smoothness of her legs
intentionally illustrating the eagerness inside
he outlined the curve of her shoulders
carefully capturing the sadness contained
he shaded in the color of her hair
deliberately detailing her fallen darkness

in his eyes
she was more beautiful
than she could ever see herself
but with every stroke
she flinched
fearing that only inches away
from his creation
was her demise

she liked the color yellow because it calmed her
its brightness soothed her soul
and the sight of a yellow flower
always brought her joy
it illuminated her dark days
and stormy weather
it always seemed to try so hard
to be happy
A quality she could relate to

but one day, she met a boy who liked orange
a color she always said she hated
its hue too close to yellow
but too different to be enjoyed
she never wore the color orange
felt as if it drew attention to her
when she was content enough
to be invisible
in the corner of the room

her favorite color was yellow
and his was orange
but she never liked that color
with its harshness and severity
it reminded her
of traffic cones
and reflector vests
of emergencies
and warning signs

But one day, she realized
he reminded her of the color yellow
he soothed her soul
illuminated her dark days
and calmed her storms
he never seemed to try too hard
but always managed to make her smile

she realized yellow and orange
weren't that different after all
and when the two hues came together
her, perpetually the color yellow
him, forever orange
she felt like the only girl in the room

the colors yellow and orange
started to bleed together
and orange came to remind her
of fallen leaves
and clear sunsets
of butterflies
and sprinkled zest

and in time
as she grew to love him
the color orange started to become
just as beautiful as yellow

I gave my sight to the sky
And watched the clouds collide
Saw the spinning universe as I never had before
And felt the world fall at my feet

I gave my breath to you
And said all things I should’ve
Shouted all the obscenities
And whispered all the sweet nothings

I gave my mind to you
And lost every inch of myself
Washed away every memory
And disinfected any individuality

I gave my body to the earth
And pushed my rotting flesh into the soil
Buried these withered bones in the clay
And felt the heat rise from its core

She was confounding
Complete, but perfectly incomplete
An oxymoron, a double negative, a hypocrite
She only drank water that came from a bottle
And refused to eat anything that wasn’t stamped USDA organic
Her hands always sat motionless when she spoke
But her mouth moved in tremendous circles with every word
She disliked notoriety but craved attention
Her chest heaving and fingers tapping to the loud music
Her hair, disheveled and uncombed, sat static on her shoulders
Eyes bright and engaged, she eagerly awaited for her friends
At a bar on a Friday night, she was alone
And all I wanted was to know her name

You scream, you yell, you fight
and every sound you make
bleeds through these poor unfortunate cracks
and pours all over the floor.

You hit, you bite, you slap
and every movement you make
shocks through these paper thin walls
and bounces off the ceiling.

You curse, you laugh, you abuse
and every word that comes out of your mouth
breaks through these tired withered bones
and seeps into my chest.

You sigh, you pout, you cry
and every single tear that falls
soaks through these old weathered clothes
and breaks my heart.

Maybe I'm selfish
With all my misgivings and flaws
But I think you're the selfish one
With your sly smile and condescending tone
You've sat across me many times before
In this same coffee shop with the brown doors
And held my hand on top of the table
Looked into my eyes and said you'd never let go
Well, now its different and all you've done is lie
Always held your phone too close to your chest
And kept your secrets locked up tight in your mind
As I tried my best to crack the code of you
Well, now its different and all you've done is lie
Fell in love with someone else while I was clueless
As I slept in our bed in our apartment in our town
And never faltered in my love for you

Maybe I'm an idiot
With all my trust and hope
But I think you may be the idiot after all
With your fake tears and falsities
You've said it a million times before
In every inch of this room 
Spoke the words so crisply and clearly
And let them reverberate around the room
Well, now ******* because all you've done is lie
Told me there was no one else when there always was
Went to work and became someone else
Stepped out the door and lived a different life
Well, now ******* because all you've done is lie
Thought of her while you kissed me goodnight
Still slept in our bed in our apartment in our town
Even though you've been unhappy for years

Maybe I'm wrong
With my anger and desperation
But maybe you're the wrong one in the end
With your sorry eyes and apologies
Because if you were really sorry
This would've never happened at all.

She said she was fine
but under her breath 
was a heaviness that he had never encountered before.

He said he didn't hurt anymore
but in his hands
he held the heart that used to fit in his chest.

She said she was happy again
but under her tongue
she kept the bitterness of before.

He said he still loved her
but in his eyes
was a darkness that she could never escape.

I have this list in my mind
Of all the things I wish I had said
Numbered from the most important
To the frivolous passing sayings
A hello in the brisk morning light
Or a goodbye in the star filled sky

The list gets jumbled and muddled
As time moves forward without us
Knowing I had plenty of chances
To speak on behalf of my heart
But I held the words too close
Until they filled my head with thoughts of you

I say them out loud to myself
As if you were here by my side
But instead the words fall
With no one to catch them
And I’m left with my mouth open
As an “I love you” barely escapes my lips

I could be jealous by the way he looks at her
Or how his hand is on the small of her back
She laughs into his chest and he breathes her in
And I’m frozen in a corner on the other side of the room

I was invited to this party by a friend of a friend
Not knowing he would be here with her
He brushes her hair back and she smiles
And I’m stuck in a corner on the other side of the room

I could be angry with him for what happened
Or how he never thought to tell me about her
She looks into his eyes and he looks back
And I’m glued to a corner on the other side of the room

I came to this house to get drunk on a Friday night
Not knowing how seeing him again would affect me
He turns his head and he sees me
And I’m paralyzed in a corner on the other side of the room

I could go up and casually talk to both of them
Or flash a smile in both of their general directions
She whispers in his ear and he points at me
And I’m frozen in a corner on the other side of the room

I know by this point she must know who I am
Not knowing how he told me he loved me
She looks angry and he holds her hand
And I’m stuck in a corner on the other side of the room

I could be happy he eventually chose her instead of me
Or delete the texts I still get in the dead of night from him
She lets go of his hand and he sighs
And I’m glued to a corner on the other side of the room

I should leave this party and walk away forever
Not knowing this affair would have ruined us both
She starts to walk towards me and he follows
But I’m paralyzed in a corner on the other side of the room

I felt you slip from my grasp

As I scrambled to catch you


In between my fingers


But you moved too fast

And the current was too strong


So I let you be taken away


As all the things you said

Violently washed over me


And I was left alone


To think of all of you

Your gentle voice


Forever gone


Instead, replaced with

The sound of waves crashing


Beat back and pulled under


Until all I could taste was

The salt of you


Vile and unpleasant


I drowned that day

As a final goodbye


Escaped your lips.

There are two sides to me:

The one I present to the world,

And the other that I try to keep to myself.

 
The one who sings in the car

With the volume maxed out

And the other who screams at the top of her lungs

When she needs to quiet

All the thoughts running through her head


The one who can't stop laughing

With tears forming in her eyes

And the other whose hands shake uncontrollably

When she gets angry

Revealing to the world just how upset she is


The one who loves sunshine

With not a single cloud in sight

And the other who never wants to go out

When the act of just walking out the door is

Like pulling teeth


The one who talks your ear off

With meandering anecdotes

And the other who shuts down

When the idea of loneliness

Seems like the better option

 
The one who isn't embarrassed to smile

With her imperfect teeth

And the other who hides behind pursed lips

When she can't stand for anyone

To see any part of herself


The one who dances in her bedroom

With the moonlight filtered through the blinds

And the other who lays alone at night

When its too late and she's too tired

From crying for hours


There are two sides to me:

The one I want you to see

And the other that I hope you never do.

Tonight,
I watched you quietly again
But all these future memories
Kept projecting in my brain

We'd go to baseball games
And play footsie on top of the littered popcorn
Comfort would take over
Mending a wound we used to mourn

We'd eat breakfast in bed
And tumble on top of each other
Laughter would pierce through
Filling a void left by another

We'd see concerts at dusk
And dance under the twilight sky
Lightness would bloom
Where sorrow used to be disguised

We'd make love in the afternoon
And feel the weight of us two
Desire would burst through
Finally finding something that's true

We'd stay out late in the city
And kiss in the light pollution haze
Love would wash over us
Sticking where it never used to stay

But tonight,
You didn't even know my name
So I settled for a shy smile
From across the room as you looked my way.

Your love was a big lie

Full of promises

And crippled with shortcomings

Beaten down by pretty words

Shattered by desire



It felt warm to the touch

But underneath the surface

Was cold and unflinching

Only revealed to me

After everything was said and done



Your love was a heavy load

Weighing me down

And settling on my chest

Breaking every fragile rib

Until I could no longer breathe



It felt soft to the touch

But underneath the surface

Was sharp and treacherous

I only figured it out

After I was covered in blood



Your love was a fleeting moment

A breakneck affair

With no time to hesitate

You were here and then gone

Blowing my hair in your leftover wind



It felt lovely to the touch

But underneath the surface

Was ugly and vicious

Only discovering the truth

When it was too late



Your love was a big lie

A heavy load

A fleeting moment

A love that on the surface

Was warm, and soft, and lovely

But when I finally uncovered all your falsities

I couldn’t even stand to look at the man

I had fallen for.

We danced half-clothed in my bedroom
with a Beach House vinyl playing in the background.
The needle scratched the surface of its cold blackness
as we hovered just close enough
to feel the warmth of each other’s skin.

It spun around the center spindle
and grainy music poured out the speakers.
It filled the sunlit room with the most beautiful sounds
as I rested my head against you
and felt the strength of your arms around me.

Words were lost between us
as our hands did the talking
pressing each other closer with each verse.
The silence in the air filled with music
bursting with a chorus of love instead.

We moved together beat by beat
swaying back and forth to “On the Sea.”
Our feet taking the smallest steps to the side
as you cupped your hands under my jaw
and lifted my head so you could kiss me.

And in that moment,
everything that once was hazy and confusing
suddenly became crystal clear.
I realized that I had never felt more loved
than that one time we danced in my bedroom:
alone and half-clothed.

You could not contain her
But you loved her dreams
And how when she talked
They bloomed like flowers
Out of her pink mouth

You could not understand her
But you loved her mind
And how when she thought
The wheels in her head
Turned like gears in a clock

You could not tie her down
But you loved her mess
And how when she smiled
The frantic nature of her
Poured out like gasoline

You could not believe her
But you loved her honesty
And how when she laughed
It boomed across the room
And bounced around your brain

You could not hold her close
But you loved her body
And how when she touched you
Every bone shivered
And shook like thunder

But you could not love her
At least, not in the way she loved you
And when you looked at her
You knew it wouldn't last
So you hesitated
And watched her fall apart
With every small step back.

We tiptoed into the bathroom

Careful not to wake the others

And silently removed our clothes

They fell to the ground

Piece by piece

Your hands on me

Bit by bit



Your back pressed against the tile

As warm water poured over us

I ran my fingers through your hair

And let my hands fall

Shoulder to shoulder

Your mouth on mine

Lips to lips



The shower scene

Once, lovely and lively

Now, obtuse and obscene

A memory

Full of regret

Maybe you said it once
And breathed it quietly in my ear
As we sat in your freezing car
Parked in front of the library
The roads were slick
But you were slicker
Handing out compliments like candy

Maybe you said it a couple of times
Over and over on the telephone
As we both laughed into the receiver
Me picturing your smile with every word
The connection was weak
But I was weaker
Falling head first into you

Maybe you said it a thousand times
And held my face in your hands
As we laid in that twin sized bed
Your body pressed against my own
The room was warm
But you were warmer
Moving for the first time in sync

But maybe you never said it at all
Or at least you never meant it
As you said this was the last time
Standing on the other side of the room
The air was heavy
But I felt heavier
Fracturing me piece by piece

I know I’m not who I used to be

But there’s a part of me that’s still her

A girl who likes in yellow brush strokes

But loves in the deepest blue

Who makes a fool out of herself

And pours out her soul

To the ones she loves most

Who writes down the words

And feelings that crowd her heart

Displayed on a computer screen

Who always says I love you first

And waits patiently for the words

To return to her

Who wears her heart on her sleeve

And kisses your bruised knees

Cares too deeply, smothers too tightly

Who misses you when you’re gone

And hesitates to tell you the truth

“Is this too much too soon?”

Who falls too hard, too fast

But loves the way you look at her

From across the room



I could choose not to tell you

Because I’m afraid of who I used to be

But for now, I think I’ll tell you the truth

And that has to be enough for me.

I've loved many boys
With different colored eyes
But the way I remember them is
By the shape of their hands

The way their thumbs curved
Or how their palms felt against my own
The weight of them on my thighs
Or how they ran through my hair

The times they zipped up my dress
And settled on my shoulders
The moments when they grazed my own
As they handed me my keys

The motion of them as they spoke
And the motionless of them when they were silent
The smoothness of them in the beginning
And the calluses after time had passed

Sometimes, I forget the faces of these boys
Or the way their voice sounded over the phone
But I'll never forget the way it felt
With their hands intertwined in my own

I feel like rain and every man I meet

Is subjected to me

The cloudburst of emotion and pain

A flash flood of heartbreak and sorrow



I fall until I land in their hearts

All drenched in regret

Their clothes soaked through

Suddenly, with the feeling of me



I silently pour in

With baggage that hails down

Denting and cratering them

Until the levee breaks



A deluge of myself

Until all they can think about

When a storm rolls through

Is how much it reminds them of me.

There’s a soft sound to it:
the way your bare feet touch the floor,
or the way your hair falls into your eyes,
or how you sigh right before you fall asleep.

There’s an eager emotion to it:
the way your mouth quivers after a kiss,
or the way your eyes look as you lean in close,
or how you push your body into mine.

There’s a fleeting feeling to it:
the way your keys jangle as you walk out the door,
or the way your toothbrush never stays more than a day,
or how you’re too kind to wake me when you leave.

There’s a rare reality to it:
the way your phone lights up with texts from her,
or the way your voice sounds telling me you’ll be late,
or how you haven’t been around in weeks.

you came rolling in like thunder

with your lips parted and wet

like the leaves on the trees

even hours after it has rained


a hurricane

of the greatest proportions

So many of these words have been about you...
I've written them during my darkest hours,
in the middle of the night after too many drinks,
that were accompanied by too many cigarettes,
after I had tossed and turned for what seemed like forever,
with you stuck in my head; those lingering aftershocks.
After listening to so many sad songs with the volume too loud,
I opened this computer and put down how you made me feel,
typed out the words that I never got to say to you,
poured out all the sorrow, and regret, and mistrust;
the jarring color of it, all viole(n)t red.
Let it soak through the keys and bloom into this portrait of you:
A picture of who you really were...a snapshot...a Polaroid.
And now that its finally tangible,
I can see all your sharp edges and black shadows
and how much I wanted to smooth you out and cast a light.
I can feel everything I wanted you to be
and how much it hurt when you disappointed me.

I hold your picture in my hands that I created with my words
and think about the all those depths you brought me to...
All those nights I spent wishing things were different.
All those hours I spent wishing you still loved me.
All those minutes I spent wishing I didn't cry over you.
All those seconds I spent wishing I never met you.
And I think I finally have the strength to rip you apart.
And forget you....for good.