I’ve been called beautiful

By a boy barely fourteen

As he held my hand

In an alleyway in my hometown

Fast forward six years

As he held my hand in an airport

He told me the same thing

Through eyes filled with tears



I’ve been told I was loved

By a man halfway through his twenties

As I sat in his passenger seat

And I looked away smiling

Fast forward five years

As we sat crossed legged in our empty apartment

He told me the same thing

After he asked for my key



I’ve been called a lovely chaos

By a man I never really knew

As he laid next to me in bed

And brushed the hair out of my eyes

Fast forward two months

As I looked him in the eyes for the last time

I told him the same thing

As I begged him to stay

Yellow, flaxen hair lays like a tumbleweed on your upper back

And your shoulder blades pucker the skin between them,

Highlighting that birthmark you've always hated.

The cotton blend sheets cover you so strategically,

Leaving just the half-moon of your breast exposed.

You must be cold because goosebumps line your arms

Creating a passage in Braille I'll never be able to decipher.

The milky-white skin of your back rises and falls with your breath

And as you exhale, one singular strand of hair blows in the wind.

 

But even with your head turned the other way,

I can picture the freckles fall across the bridge of your nose

And see the furrow in your brow with each passing dream

I want to reach out and lay my hand on any part that is you

Feel your warm skin against my calloused hands

But to touch you would wake you

So I let you sleep

I thought I could fit love into a box
And stuff all of its contents into one container
Set it on a shelf and pull it down when the timing was right

I thought I could label it
And categorize all the feelings, people, places, and things
Use colors to code it; all the yellows, reds, and blues

I thought love was black and white
And it either existed or it did not
Waited patiently for it to return when it slipped from my grasp

I thought I could stifle it
And smother it until there was no room to breathe
Hold it down and watch it take its last breath

I thought I could salvage our love
And rescue it from the depths of the deepest ocean
But there was no saving us.
Instead, I just let it go.

After too many drinks and not enough time,

We ended up moving in the dark of a bedroom

With New Order playing softly in the background

His eager hands on me, my reluctant mouth on his

Pieces of clothing thrown carelessly around the room

His hot breath on my neck, my hands spread across his back

I ended up sleeping with someone else.

And in the heat of the moment, you crossed my mind

Floated from the back of my brain into my vision

A crystal clear illusion from the past

Completely intangible, but I could still feel you

The love we shared, the lies you told

How your hands felt against my skin

How my mouth felt on yours

The man I fell so hard, so fast for

But also the man who broke my heart

And that despite everything you did to me,

All I wanted was this man, here with me in the present, to be you.

the feeling simmers deep down inside me
boiling and pouring all over my guts
scorching and burning all the way to my tongue
until it spill-splatters out of my mouth
the magma hot words bubble out
drenching and covering your outstretched hands
blistering and popping your delicate skin
until they creep-crawl up your arms
the fiery jumble of sounds crack apart
saturating and liquefying your shoulders
taking and breaking your slim bones
until they bust-burst apart your chest
these piping hot words finish you
leaving and abandoning you as a puddle on the floor
from something…no, someone different.

I've just started living and I can already feel the lenses start to break
Sense the veneer crack against this solid slate memory
See the creases and folds of this bittersweet opus, *disaster
A picture-perfect desecration, an arduous whiplash

I may not be old but I can feel the age set into my bones
Sense the muscles and their atrophy, *apathy
See the wrinkles and puckers balloon from my skin
A dotted landscape, a jagged puzzle piece

I may not be bored but I can feel the bugs under my skin
Sense the wild, unfiltered urge of a sleeping giant, *mouse
See the time and seconds flicker by without a second look
A bullet train to nowhere, a jet plane doomed to fail

I may not be sad but I can feel the weight of everything
Sense the cool blue water filling up the tank
See everyone outside the glass smiling, *laughing
An antelope in the lion's mouth, a snuffed out candle

But the days go by so fast
In the vast chaos of life
And in the spiraling, sprawling expanse of time
I've somehow lost you, *me

You were reckless with your words
And every sound you made
Bloomed and crowded in my heart
A garden rising up from soil
So when you decided it was over
Those pretty words turned to daggers
Sharp ends on stems

You were reckless with your hands
And every touch you made
Electrified and burst in my heart
A storm forecasted but never believed
So when you decided it was over
Those caresses turned to a violent downpour
Caught in the rain: umbrella-less

You were reckless with your actions
And every move you made
Seared and singed on my heart
A fire burning through the forest
So when you decided it was over
Those kisses turned to the hottest ashes
Grey and pouring out of my mouth

You were reckless with my heart
And all of you
Flooded and swept up my body
A ship castaway in a vast ocean
So when you decided to leave
My heart turned to rubble and ruins
You, oh so reckless....
Me, just wrecked