What is your happiness?
Mine is

A hot day
Forever
Shared with my love

Games to play
Without any price
But not illegal

Parkour
To my heart's content
With very little risk

Anime to watch
With all the time to finish them
And all the seasons to come

I could go on
But tell me
What is your happiness?

Rotten
Is the flesh.
Breaking down
Is the mind
Shambling
Is the walk
Hunger
Is the cry
But it is not zombies.
It is us.

Even talking over the phone
No
Because we're talking over the phone
I think your voice is
Amazing...

Don't go by the river
Unless you are a rabbit.
Because rabbits can go on
Grand adventures to distant
Bouncy houses owned by
Fire breathing
Toads.
Men and women
Are like muffins.
I'm not sure why
Or if they are
But they should be.
Jumping is always bad
Unless it's not.
Beware the pencil
Unless you are wielding a
Muscle-bound rubber chicken.
If you aren't
Jump for your life.
I hate you
Except I don't.
A definition for literally
In the dictionary
Is not literally.
What is a man
But a sack of rice?
Eyes are squishy.
You are breaking the mold
And becoming misshapen.
Suffer me to
Dance!
Drop the bass
And then pick it up
Clean that bass off of the floor!
That was a very fragile bass
And you broke it!
Du hast.
Heavy metal!
Huminaminaminaminaminamina
That's enough
That was a lie
Or was it?
Pervert.
Looking at my elbow
Save that for the bedroom!
Rock on.

I worry.
I am not sure
Why.
There really is no reason
For me to be worried
But
I am.
I have always preferred
Logic
Over feelings
And sometimes
I wish logic would
Control
My feelings.
Because my worrying
Has no logic
No reason
Nothing
But if I can't use logic
What
Can I use?

You tell me that
You've been hurting yourself again.
Well.
I'm glad you told me
But I've never been this angry at you before.
I loved your anger
When your friend told you she cut herself.
You're such a hypocrite
And then you say
I'm sorry
But you're not
You're so obviously not
Because you've told me
That sorry is not only an apology
But a promise that the thing apologized for
Will not happen again.
I wish you were sorry
I love you
And I think you can get past this
But I thought you already were
You've told me that you were.
And now you say it's my fault that your pain
Hurts me?
Your life is not your own
I've told you that before
And you seemed to agree
But now I wonder if you cared at all about
Our deeper conversations.
I don't choose to love you.
I will love you no matter what
Even though you seem to be turning your back on my pain
Pain that you brought about
That you have no need to bring.
I have told you that I am always here for you
But you don't listen
I swear I will be your shoulder to cry on
Whenever you need.
But what it seems like you're saying now
Is that I'm less helpful than pain.
Less comforting than hurting yourself.
I can't believe you would resort to that
Without calling me once.

The sun is always welcome
Beating down on me
Pushing the sweat out
Tearing off the gloom
I am seldom happier
Than when I am in the sun

Back to the old grind
I sit all day
Getting through things I
Don't care about.
I like to learn
Don't get me wrong
But this place bothers me
These people an annoyance
A distraction
Constantly slacking off
Taking longer than they need to
Wasting my time.
My time is limited
And I don't want to spend it here.
I want to help people
Be with my friends
Train in my passion
Learn what I care about
Not things I'll never use.

Why is it
That I feel different around you
In school?
I suppose the distance we've gone
Struggles we've had
They weren't in school
They were separate
And now I feel odd
Not in a bad way
When I see you in school.

The faith
What is it?
And why should I keep it?
Maybe it's the collective faith
That I should keep?
Because my own,
Well,
It's fairly solid.
It has a strong foundation.
Thick walls.
Earthquakes come occasionally
It's fallen
Been rebuilt
Again and again
Stronger each time.
i must work on the
Collective faith.
Not everyone has
Strong faith.
No person alive
Is always built tall.
We all have cracks in our walls.
Leaks in our ceilings.
Loose doors.
And we are never alone in out
Faith-house.
There are friends inside
But more often than not
The majority is enemies.
To me
"Keep the faith"
Means to hold up each others' walls.
To patch their roof.
To bring housewarming gifts.
And to be the friend among enemies.

Let us have some
Deep conversation
What shall we talk about?
There is so much
To choose from.
Shall we ponder our own existence?
Shall we consider the intricacies of life?
Shall we prophesy the future?
Shall we discuss the past?
There is any number of
Things to talk about.
Take your pick.

The only thing I really
Want to accomplish in this life
Is to be comfortable.  
Is that too much to ask?
Sure, I'd love to help people
Make friends and be in love along the way
Grow in my faith and everything
But I don't want to be famous
Or very rich.
Maybe rich enough to get an island
With a small shack but...
I more than anything want to relax.
No deadlines
No worries sticking in my stomach.
Total.
Relaxation.

Holding a grudge
Hurts everyone involved.
Relationships fall apart
And the person you have a grudge against?
You dehumanize them in your own mind
And you become what you think they are.
Forgiveness brings healing
It brings love, as well as
Life.
It is restorative

An initiation
And suddenly, everyone has your back
24/7
This is a beautiful thing
It seems
So why
Doesn't it happen in church?

Baptism
Is an amazing thing.
It renews
Restores
And rebirths.
It's an initiation into the kingdom
So why don't we do it the way
Gangs do?

I'll always try to
I'll bend my schedule
But I can't always
Break it.
But I'll try.
Call me.
Text me.
Email me.
Throw a brick through my window
With a note.
Contact me somehow.
I'll do what I can.
Because I want to be
In Jesus' gang.
And I want to be there
For you.

The music I listen to
Would generally be called
Screamo
But it isn't.
It's metalcore.
It's christian worship.
And it's intense.
It makes me excited
It fills me with the passion
To combat the evils of this world.
To most people
It will sound like
Growls
Screams
And loud instruments.
But to me
It sounds like
Joy
Encouragement
Energy
and
Freedom.

I am a fool.
An idiot.
A worthless *******
At times.
I pretend to be
Deep
But I'm not.
My life is easy
I have very few worries.
And I hurt others
Easily.
Careless words
...
This *****.

My people are ridiculed
Because of the others
The corrupt
They are intolerant
They rely on dogma
They are political powers
They spread fear
Though they have unsurpassable worth
I am talking about
Christianity
It is dying
But my faith is not
Because I follow Jesus
Not a pope

I fall for you
Again and again
You're a blessed heart
And more than a friend
You help me up
When I'm fallen and *****
I thought you always seemed
Strong, oh and sturdy
But sturdy walls do not fall
They keep others out
I'm glad you let me in
And well you're all I think about.
My love has some passion
No rhythm, no rhyme
And I never shall fall for you
One last time.

Lately I've been
Wandering
Slipping
Fading
But today
I am on my way
Back to You.
There is resistance
And that is how I know
That I am going the
Right way.
I was pulling away
Hiding myself.
But I am on my way
Back.
Back
Into your arms.
Because that is
Where I belong.

Destructive tendencies
You are wandering now, fallen
In this forbidden
Torn apart wasteland that is your forest
Your mind
Trees fall as you collapse
Sobbing to the floor
Wishing for it all to end
Overwhelmed
You break, again and again
New scars riddling your body every day
Every moment tearing your sanity anew
Making you cold
Frozen to the bone with anger
Fear
Longing
You stumble across the line you've drawn
You never wished to revert
A tree you're climbing
Hand over hand to emerge
Atop the fragile canopy
As if made of glass
Cracking under the weight of your sadness
As you panic, frantic
Looking for some release
Some escape from the terrifying
Cold
Shadows surrounding you
Sliding over your soul
Caressing your heart
Tantalizing your mind with thoughts of pain
Of screams locked up
Never to be released to anybody
Doomed to torment you forever
Like the terrified call of some beast
A last noise of suffering
Brought short by others
Treating you as some snail
Pouring salt deep into your open wounds
Into your gouged out eyes
Your mouth agape with a constant, silent scream
Tearing your hair out
Covering your ears
To repel the constant torment following you
The forest
Once black
Now stained a ***** red
Towers overhead
You only want to escape
To hide
To see the light from the darkness once more
To stop the searing pain of the past
Reminders bringing about rage
Bringing hate
Polluting your life
Your pure colors become *****
A white sheet dragged through a rainstorm
You cry out in pain
Frantically searching for the invisible enemy
Who hates you fully and completely
Laughing hysterically at you
Driving you almost over the edge
Pulling a blindfold tight over your eyes
Dragging you toward a dark ravine
Jagged, dying plants littering it
But look, in your blindfold
There is a tear
Through it, light is shining
Mysteriously, you are released
The rag is untied
As you peer through the inky darkness of the forest
There is a clearing

The longing I cannot express
This insatiable
Yearning.
I cannot shake this feeling.
I'm missing something.
Someone
Some**you

Without my faith
I could not be who I am.
I could be no obedient child
No loving boyfriend
No optimistic being.
It is not feasible for me to believe
That anything positive regarding me
Could come from some other place
Than my faith.

I am still a child
A baby
A youngster
A Whippersnapper
But
I am older than many
When it comes to my
Thoughts
Emotions
Struggles
Faith.
Age is just a number.
15
It just goes to show.
Age is just the amount of time
That You
Have blessed
And have remaining to bless
Others.
Take advantage of a
Small number.

I read your words
Combinations of
Combinations of words
Combined
In a way that is uniquely
Yours.
I find it awe-inspiring
Truly.
You make me want to
Cry.
When I hear your feelings
Expressed so beautifully.
Your worries
So sincere.
It makes me worry
Which makes me stop worrying
Because it shows me that I
Still care.

You're making me run
Out
Of things to write about.

It's not that I'm bored
Oh no
I love these feelings that I want to express

It's just that
I've expressed them.
I hope my writing isn't
Redundant.

A cheap shot
Kicked where it hurts
Is exactly what this feels like
Stabbed in the back
And in the front
Images that make me see red
To forget and forgive
I'm so angry
But I can't let it out
Don't want to hurt those who I care
About
I don't know who I blame
Maybe myself
I'll put these feelings away on the shelf
In some drawer
Lose them
And try to be selfless

To hold you
Tenderly
For you to fall asleep in my arms
And I yours
What more could I ask?

An explorer, a traveler
Ever so brave
Strolling through danger
Never a care
Nothing to lose
But nothing to gain
He wanders continuously
Always is lost
He finds amazing things
But he never cares
He's seen it all by now
There is no surprises
No new creatures to tame
No civilizations to find
Nothing is difficult
And this makes him weary
Without a challenge there is no excitement
Everything is a reminder of everything else
He wanders eternally
As patterns repeat
Dying more now eternally
Than ever before
Nothing is new, nothing not done before
No more colors, no, no more facts to ignore
And disprove, everything
Falls to the ground
Perhaps someday he'll finish
And whither, fall with no sound

In my head
I have all these
Feelings
Feelings for you.
You
Are always on my mind.
I wake up and think about you.
I think about you through my day.
I think of you as I fall asleep.
I dream about you all night.
Honestly, before this started
Before we talked
Before I fell in love
I could have lived pleasantly
Happily
But now
I don't know how I could
Live
Without you
Without your presence
Without these thoughts of you
Which I treasure.
Always.
You're amazing
In so many crazy ways.
Your laugh
Your smile
Your kindness
Your uniqueness.
You're beautiful,
Though that word can scarcely describe you.
I could get lost in your eyes
If I was able to look for long enough.
You make some great faces
And they've become easy to read.
Your voice echoes in my head
If I hear one word from your lips.
The way it feels to have you next to me
Lingers on my skin for an eternity.
To be with you
Is all I want.

I love you.

I never wrote about Love
Not before now
Because I was never sure
But after today
I think that I'm ready to try.

What is love?
Is it nothing but a
Chemical reaction in the brain?
Ascribing worth?
Maybe
But it's more than that
To me at least.

Love is
Knowing someone's full of faults
And staying anyway.

Love is
Making limits
And respecting them.

Love is
Your heart skipping a beat
At the sound of a name.

Love is
Fighting to not fall apart
When you disagree.

Love is
Wanting to give
A random hug.

Love is
Wanting to receive
A random hug.

Love is
Crying for
Someone.

Love is
The feeling I get
When I fight to tell you
"Kaydee, I love you"
And saying it anyway.

Finally, Love is
Crying
Reminiscing
Dreaming
Wondering
Waiting
Being

Together.­

I now have no control over how I love you.
I cannot hold it back.
I don't want to hold it back.
I just want to hold you
Talk to you
Fall asleep with you
Laugh with you
Cry with you

And that's why I thought I was ready to write about love.

I go to sleep now
For really one reason
And only that.
I have nothing to stay awake for.
My love is asleep
And I am not next to her.
Video games get boring.
It's too late for loud music.
My awake friend is mad at me.
Life feels like it's
Not all it's cracked up to be.
I just want to run away
But I'm stuck here legally.
So I escape to the one place I can.
My dreams.

The corruption is growing
Morphing and changing
Devouring your soul
And your body with it.

The corruption is ripping
Tearing and broken
Like the world it inhabits
It cannot survive alone

The corruption is feeding
Engulfing the powerful
Burning the weak
Tainting the children

The corruption is here
Inside of your mind
Through broken beliefs
It torches your world

Pathetic
And apathetic
I wander through life
Seeing nothing
On my hands and knees
And not caring.
Blindfolded by societal standards
Pushed down by the ambitions of others
And yet I have reason to believe that it doesn't matter.

We drive up to our house.
Now mom's house
And you sigh
You get that look
You tell us to hurry
And you pull out your phone.
Trying desperately not to cry.

It hurts me too.

So many days
Are they numbered?
Of course
Is the obvious answer
But is it that simple?
I'm curious how the days were
Before time
Before creation
The eternity
Before eternity
No gadgets
To measure time
No light
No darkness
Nothing
Feelings?
Nope
Senses?
Nope
ANYTHING?!
No.
How were days then?
How can we measure a day
Split into smaller numbers
Seems smaller
Yet larger
We can't move through time
Because we first need to move through a second
But to move through a second
We need to move through a half-second
And to move through a half-second
Well
You know.
But somehow we do.
It's impossible
According to logic
So how do we do it?
Time is relative
So in a time without anything
We have an eternity all at once
Forever
In our minds
Within a second
Infinitely old
Yet infinitely young
Infinitely mature
With no maturity
Our feeble human minds cannot fathom eternity
Or can we?
You tell me.
I have time.
...
An eternity, in fact.

I'm sitting here waiting
Waiting
For this to end
Everything does eventually.
Almost everything. I'm not talking about anything specific
Unless I made you think of something
Because I'm talking about that.

I anxiously await tomorrow
Not because of any big thing
But one thing that makes my day
You
I see you in the morning
A few minutes
15 or 20
It's not long
But to even be in your presence
I am able to make it through the day
Because I see you at the end too.
You are my motivation
My bonus for completing the level
And you make it meaningful to go somewhere
I really wouldn't like to go.
I don't wake up early for school
I wake up early for you
Though I wish it was next to you.

I hate to insult my own mother
But I'm afraid this must be
Dealt with.
I feel angry at you most of the time now
But you said something yesterday
An offhand remark
"Thank God I'm not married."
Don't you dare.
Don't you dare make it sound like
God is on your side in not being married
Tearing our family apart
Breaking us all.
Do you know what dad said?
About you not going to counseling?
You don't think he's worth fighting for.
You don't think our happiness and peace are
Worth fighting for.
I promise you
God is not on your side in this.
He never could be.
Not my God.

Your arms
Hold me lovingly
You constantly
Forgive me
When I ***** up
All the time.
We all can be forgiven.
All we need to do
Is ask.
That is your love
Other oriented
Self sacrificial
It reaches all of us
And protects us.
**Redeems us

I'm living under the influence
Not drugs
No major addictions
But I'm still drugged and addicted
To peace
Calm
Quiet
It's hard to be empathetic
Without sad feelings myself
Not that I WANT sad feelings
But
I don't really want to be
At peace.
It's nice
But I'll end up hurting someone
If I don't think sadness is necessary.
I'm not sure where to stand
Because it always seems to be one or the other.

The unending fall
Without a beginning
Is no fall at all

Nobody falls
Without jumping
Or being pushed

When I'm around you
Time stands still
I'm mesmerized.
I can't believe how
Lucky I am
To have someone as
Amazing
Beautiful
Intelligent
...
I could go on
But I won't for now.
I really want to say it
In person.
I will.
One of these times.
I can easily text it
But that *****.
I'll try.
Why?
Because you're worth it.

Adviser conniver
Bring me some cheese
I'm lost in a forest
Full up with trees.
My father a lion
My mother a *****
I just may collapse
If I don't find a bench.
From sunrise to sunset
I wander so lost
Soon Winter will come
I'll be covered in frost.
The blue of the sky
The chill of the air.
I fear for my life
Should I come cross a bear.
This has no real meaning
I felt the need to write.
Trying to stay awake
Wish this could be goodnight.

Constantly
You are forgiving me
You are showing me
The full extent of your love
You are so big
The universe is in your hand
And you care
For me.
My problems.
My relationships.
My love.
Me.
Among this huge space
It continually baffles me
That you want me to be saved.
You want all of us
Individually
To be saved.
You want to save
The person reading this.
They have unsurpassed worth
That you recognize.
Thousands of second chances
Daily.
I am humbled.

Almost everything I've ever tried
Has been easy.
This is why
I seem to enjoy things that I have more trouble
Mastering.

Challenge me by all means
And make it difficult
Because today my boredom grows
And my ambition wanes.

In cartoons
TV shows
When people have a decision
Between good and evil
They have a little angel
And a little devil
Appear on their shoulders.
When in fact
The little devil should be sitting right on their
**Crotch.

I will stand defiant
I will fight
I will never accept
A world that encourages
Celebrates
My self-destruction.

This world
I am not of it.
That is my decision.

My love,

I didn't include your name
You know who you are
And I know you'll see this.
Remember when we started?
Four-ish months ago
It doesn't sound like much
Does it?
But it's been so great
I've learned so much about you
What you love
What you hate
Your interests
Your plans
And I've learned how much I love you
Well, not really
I have no idea how much I love you
After all, who can define infinity?
Truly?
We've had some fights
But honestly
I think that's a good thing.
They've made us stronger
Brought us together more and more.
And I just can't resist you.
I think you're so completely
Amazing.
I know you're excited about six months coming up
I am too
More than anything.
I know you worry
I do too
But everything is fine with me
At least I think so.
Are you okay?
I constantly wonder
Because you aren't always
And I just want to make everything better sometimes
But I can't
I want to do everything possible
I want to hug you
But even the distance between us
Keeps that from being an option.
At least it's not too far.
We get to see each other fairly often.
I wonder sometimes
How far do you see us going?
Because you know I was hesitant to
Pursue our relationship
Because high school relationships never seem to last.
Maybe we'll be the minority.
I hope so
Because you're pretty amazing
And so are we.
Even if we stop being
"Together"
I'll love you
Because that's just how it is.
A decision I made.
Our name is Kayge
I like it
Because it makes it sound like we're in an
Anime
A couple characters being shipped together
I think it's cool
Your friends have even said it!
Anyway
I could go on
But I need to have something to write about later
Right?

Sincerely and always yours,
                                                  Sage

Justice
Justification
Punishment
Sentence
They are only
Politically correct
Words for
**Revenge

A lingering scent
Never permanent
Is meaningless.
A mere shadow of the memories
It may bring about
Burying your face into a scent
Gives no presence nor relief
Increases longing and nothing else
The smell of a love
The smell of a hate
It all fades
And it is nothing but a scent
Without mass
Without meaning.