Sometimes I wonder what would happen if turned my alarm off and just slept until my parents woke me up, panicked because I slept late and will be late for school. I wonder what would happen if I told them I just wasn't going and refused to move. They can't physically make me go. They can't pick me up and carry me across ice to the car and drive me. They can't carry me into the building and set me down in a class. Let the police come. Arrest me for giving up and not following the rules of life anymore. Arrest me for quitting everything. Send me to jail. Beat me. I won't move a muscle. **** me. I just want the strength to quit entirely and just stop doing everything I don't want to do anymore, to stop feeling so the consequences don't matter. I just want to give up and stop.

Was because my fingers have become lead, and my tongue is glued to the top of my mouth.

I think I found hell in your eyes and the devil in your smile.

I saw you,
And my life went up in flames.

I wouldn't mind selling my soul,
Giving up light,
If your eyes could burn
their way through my body,
and your lips,
They could be mine.

I wouldn't mind dying,
If it was you that killed me.

How will you watch the love of your life love someone else?

Don't.

I got the closure I've been asking for
I cried a while
I'm in the middle of transitioning and I really didn't even have a comfortable spot to cry it
So I sat in the bathtub- cup of tea in hand
and I cried
And then I got up and I went and conversed with my parents and I smiled and I laughed and I loved them
and you can stop me from loving you but you can't stop me from anything else
So moving forward is the easy part
its looking back that gets hard

hold my hand

sleepy
it's one am. and the colors are flowing
remember those lights changing in the attic,
sloped ceilings and a hookah
we sat on the floor and he stared at the doorknob,
and we discussed the width of the closet
pillows on the ground,
people on the pillows,
faces in shadows, smiles and heavy-lidded eyes
love for those friends who aren't friends but are.
love for those friends who are more.

we drink we smoke we laugh we listen to grime and dance around the tin foil and smoke and the blinds are closed and the door is locked and we have to be quiet because shh, the neighbors. and I didn't know you before but now i do because you're drunk and i don't know what i am but i said hi and you adjusted your yellow beanie and smiled at me. you make music, i learn,
and we talk and we talk and we talk

then driving, the streetlights flood,
he said it was like surfing and that he was chill and he couldn't remember and he stepped in the snow with socked feet, he lost his birkenstocks
he found his birkenstocks
he flipped his hair and his red eyes were content
and then Let it Be came on the radio and I sang the tune while my legs twitched and my foot twitched on the gas pedal and she laughed from the backseat and I wondered how wide the road was and how much air there is to breathe in the world, and then the cold felt so great
red lights flashing, stop. go. home.

i'm smiling at the orange of the fire
there's a hamster running besides me and i wonder if he is happy
they were happy,
and i forget where the money is but she slipped it in my pocket
snacks in the kitchen
its one am
drink some water,
there's always Marcie's Diner in the morning.