In my hands I hold a pen, not a needle, but a pen.
Oh how I wish it were the needle.
Both hold the expression to that which I hold dearly.
For it's not just a pen or a needle that I hold;
It is me!

perfect life I dreamt of:
a shot of hormones
a boy who loves me
a place to call my own
and freedom to live

I have it all
yet why is it not enough?

four years it’s all I thought of
the fix to all my problems
all but one
became the start of all of them

Grab your supplies,
two needles, six alcohol pads and
the Wonder Woman bandaids you bought
to feel brave.
Remind yourself to buy a box for mom
next time you supermarket shop.

Curse under your breath,
its left thigh week and
you know the left thigh really hates T
Message your group chat,
Ask them to pump you up
so you can ignore needle induced palpitations—
are my ribs caging my heart or protecting it?
Refocus yourself; now is not the time
for existential thoughts

Fill the syringe with the eighteen gauge,
and then drop that sucker into
the ancient bottle of vanilla coke
filled with used needles.
Change to the twenty-five gauge,
refresh your music page.
Is it a Queen or All Time Low shot day?

Wipe your leg down,
not once, not thrice,
but five times—
As you stare between the needle,
your thigh, your needle, and again
the thigh.
Count to three,
One,
Two,
Three,
and in it goes,
not so bad—it never is.

Repeat every Sunday.

one hundred days and nights
i want to spend with you
my love, my friend,
i want nothing more
than to see you grow
and become the man
i always knew you could be

right now it seems pointless
that you're stuck inside this loop
but don't fret, my friend, as t is helping you.

one hundred poems and songs
i grant and give to you
as you are my love
and my world belongs to you

I spoke with testosterone,
and after he ripped apart
the concrete in my driveway,
he sank into a pile of rubble.
Lighting an ironic cigarette, he said,
"Teach me how not to care"
before he fell asleep.
He's been there for a while.
Maybe we should check on him?