you made a playlist
of songs about
car crashes

not because you
want to die
but because
your mind
does

.
          
           am i
 here
  why        
        pollut-
                              ing          
                                 the
                                 space
                            that
                    could
                 be
              used
                for
                 a
                        (better candidate than me)
                 ?

lub-dub lub-dub
defense-less, defea-ted,
deafen-ing drum-ing
bea-ting heart
unwanted reminder of life

I woke up at 4:12 am
I had six missed calls from you
and on the seventh call I finally picked up
and all you said was “I’m sorry I’m sorry”
over and over
until you hung up without giving me a chance to say a word

it’s the first time I’ve heard your voice in ten months and I don’t know what it means
but I know that I can’t breathe
I send you text after text after text
and you’re not answering
I’m calling you and calling you
and you’re not answering
until finally you tell me that you’re ready to die

I’m shaking now and I’m crying
and I can feel my dinner creeping back up my esophagus
ready to purge my body at any moment
and I don’t know what to do
how am I supposed to talk you down when I can’t even think
or breathe
the only thing I know how to do is tell you that I love you

I love you I love you I love you
I say it over and over
hoping you can feel how true it is through those three little words on a screen
and you’re telling me that you don’t want to be loved
but I don’t know what else to do
so I keep repeating it
I love you

Anxiety is not stress.
Anxiety is not some umbrella term you can use to describe how you feel when your favorite character in a book is in an intense battle unless you can somehow feel how fast their heart is beating until you can feel how hot their blood is until you can feel what it’s like to be that character in that situation the weight of the world on your shoulders
Anxiety is not finding lighting candles to be the only solution, candles are another problem. Another long paragraph to your list of “Things That Can Easily **** Me” example: “I didn’t leave any matches out, did I? I blew out the candle right? I need to check. Do I smell burning?? PUT THE CAP WHEN IT’S DONE! Will set off my fire alarm? Does my fire alarm work? Where’s my fire alarm??? Where’s somewhere I can put it so it doesn’t hurt me. THIS IS OK THIS IS NORMAL THIS IS RELAXATION.”
Anxiety is not stress.
Anxiety is horrible flashing images, constant reminders, the most negative form of “what if” imaginable.
Anxiety is wasting all your time thinking about an 8 page paper due for class in a week but instead of bringing yourself to writing it you are sobbing on the floor thinking of how bad for your grade this will be.
Anxiety is having a crush on a girl and trying out makeup for the first time.
Anxiety is having a crush on a guy and wondering if your sense of humor is funny enough.
Anxiety is not stress.
Anxiety is downloading an app that checks on your health and leaves you wondering how long this has been going on for.
Anxiety is wondering how to fix your eating disorder instead of actually fixing it
Anxiety is outing yourself to fit in
Anxiety is always wearing pants because you’re too afraid of your own scars
Anxiety is staying up countless nights crying crying crying you cannot yell your thoughts are no longer your own
Anxiety is writing a list of pros and cons to killing yourself
Anxiety is lighting a candle so you can slowly burn the list because
Anxiety is telling you if someone finds out, you will die.
Anxiety is not stress.
Anxiety is having making a friend and losing them in less than a year
Anxiety is wondering if all this help is helping or do I need to help myself
Anxiety is your friends questioning you non-stop are they really questioning you or do you question yourself?
Anxiety is memorizing the suicide prevention hotline
Anxiety is beating yourself up countless times “How could you forget something as simple as a Birthday?!”
Anxiety is “I only have three friends and one hates me, one I’m trying not to lose, and the other I love too much to tell the truth”
Anxiety is “It’s only a matter of time before we all die!”
Anxiety is “Congratulations! Two of your friends have died this year alone! One ******* hates you! Oh! HAHA! Wait! They all ******* hate you!”
Anxiety can turn you from “Wow. I look kinda good today.” to ”DYSPHORIA! DYSPHORIA! DYSPHORIA!”
JUST ******* KIDDING!
ANXIETY IS STRESS!
AND MUCH
MUCH
MORE!!!!!!!!