Aged twelve i lost my faith in the world. Opened my eyes to my own demise and what followed was a sadness with seemingly no explanation. I looked at the world and how shallow it is and I drowned in it. Where being kind and considerate seemed to get you nowhere.
Where we were getting taught to accept all that was unfair and unjust made me feel if you care you can't trust. And most of this was from our education system, I could see that hidden curriculum. So being the most unlikely rebel I dropped out of school, point blank refused to go, dragged kicking and screaming literally grabbing onto the doorframe until they gave up, and though I was relieved it should be believed that you never really get over someone giving up on you.
So I was left , set adrift. Sit in my pyjamas though I never slept, stay inside and limit my contact with it. Protect myself from it, I wanted no part of it. But the effects of isolation should not be underestimated, it just added to it, introspective perspective, curse of the sensitive proved deadly to my spirit. I'd Watch my friends play out from my window and wonder how can they be happy, don't they know? Don't they see the worse it gets the more you grow ? It seemed not, so maybe I was just crazy.
Self awareness too early made me wary, it was scary and I didn't understand so I surrendered to that white coat "helping hand" Your child's withdrawn, depressed and suffering from social anxiety, but was that really me? Could they not see?! They asked so many questions but never asked themselves why? Not that I could express what was going on in my mind at the time.
So I took it for gospel as I could no longer hear GODS call. (My faith in him died slowly as I'd pray every night hoping he'd show me the way but he never did) Traded it in for the words of professionals and specialists, cause they must know right? Little did I know it would shape my life for a long time.
Give an obedient child a label and they will stick to it, give an overwhelmed and confused child a label and they will thank you for it! Unlucky for me I was both. Any opportunity to make sense of the world I now saw I took willingly. Turned out mentally ill is what it would be.
The effects of isolation on an already overactive mind cannot be overstated. The battle I fought was with thought. This is why I had no time to speak to or see anybody. It was all consuming in my tiny anatomy.
Just reminiscing...
Still needs finishing
