As I sit here, staring at the lunch I had an hour ago, I can't help but to feel disgusted.
As hard as I try to ignore it, the saliva dripping onto my feet makes its way into my consciousness, reminding me of how low I am.
I constantly avoid looking at my hands, for seeing what I have done makes me want to despise myself even more than I already do.
The dull throbbing at the base of my neck coming from this compromising position almost makes me want to sit up straight and put an end to this activity; however, I know that I don't want to stop, not yet.
I have so much more I know I can let go

Food. What is food?
Is it something everyone needs to survive? Is it the thing that takes forever to make and has even less time time to enjoy?
Is it the beautiful plants that grow in the right season that produces so much pride that they deserve an instagram post?
Or is the thing that many people will never have the money to see?
For me, it is the center of everyday. It is the one thing that I know dictates my entire life. It is the one thing I wish I could forget and the one thing I wish I could live without.
It is the thing that forces me to do math, and it is the thing that keeps me from knowing any sort of satisfaction.
It is the thing that makes me wish I were someone else, anyone else.
It is the thing that I spend hours thinking about, measuring, classifying, and the one thing that I can never seem to get correct. It is also the thing that makes me cry at night. It makes me feel alone.
It is the thing that causes me to spend every day working out even when I don't want to, and it has made me be friends with a scale that isn't very friendly.
It is a bully, a cruel "ex" friend that wishes I were never born and it is a fighter that knows how to pack a heavy punch.
For me, it has not been very kind. It has been the thing that controls who I am.
It is THE thing, and sadly, it is everything.

I've never felt more alone
than I do inside my very own home.

If the goal was to break me
Why couldn't you have done it much more quickly?

Keep looking you might find something that will leave you unsettled.
A text, a photo, perhaps even a letter.

False promises, empty proclamations,  a hollow vow to do better
Lies, craziness, a truly pointless endeavor.

Keep convincing me of what I already know. We're broken, we shattered and I don't much care whose at fault.
He's in my heart, she's in your vault.

"We'd be better friends than partners." You've  often exclaimed.
You offer to share equally yet its me holding the majority of blame.

That's really not true, its not how I feel.
You ruined us.
You're the one who broke the deal.
Flattened the wheel
Flat tired the heel
Threw up the Happy Meal
Slipped on the banana peel
Tangled the fishing reel
Ripped apart  the seal
Ordered the Veal

I'm at a standstill
I need to get off of the treadmill
My world has gone downhill
I'm an actress in my own life
see the playbill.
I play the role of an imbecile

You lay on our bed, sharing photos of your ****
honestly, I don't care you've become quite the *****.
Alcoholic
You're really quite sick
No flame, no wick
No tock for my tick
You think your slick?
It's actually quite pathetic
tragic, chaotic
It's become my epidemic.

I don't hear any music
I don't  feel very poetic
I just feel you're a brick
leaving me frantic
and even worse
so very very very heartsick.

It's telling looking through
the window’s eyes ; 
a room with a paling grey glass view
befogs the clouds reign inside the storm
Often feeling misbegotten regret
for the unfiltered passing glimpses,
whetstone honed and splayed ;
raw hues of a latent life exposed

There's an uncertain hidden shame
in the unheard truth
starving out in the cold;
dwelling in a petrifying silence
of a common hunger
the lonely do ache
  
Merciless hunger pangs
manifest and shake
with an unrelenting bitter taste ;
loneliness grapples and grips
like a silent earth quake
rattling a rib caged heart — writhing
as Autumn bares the trees
  
A jagged ambiguous fault line
ripples through the hollow echo ;
a bolt of lightning caught in a bottle
strikes — silently contained
swallowing the unspoken words
in a greater good

This broken merry-go-round
keeps turning round and round;
the great mandala spinning on
like a worn out hamster-wheel
without a conscious trace
of going anywhere out there

The place you come from
is gone when you leave it —
even if you really never
feel you were from anywhere
but a thousand unmarked mileposts
from out here somewhere adrift;
a pilgrimage towards understanding
why sometimes I don’t know
if I know who I am — or could have been —
waiting on a threadbare prayer

One-day the winds of change
will shapeshift — bye and bye ...

"When the light that's lost within us
reaches the sky"


Jesse Stillwater

November 2018

I licked you cautiously with precision
Licked until your sharp edges were round and soft
Indulged in that millisecond, I let my mind wander off to the imagination of licking and actually swallowing you
Sweet imaginary drops of melted sticky sugary matter were dripping down my esophagus
You were dancing in my throat like a delicate ballerina
Tiptoeing, Floating.

Then reality hit in again and my tongue drawed back like it just touched a hot range
My esophagus felt clogged. Your pungent taste was burning holes into my throat-
So I used my fingers like a plunger to **** you out again.

I purged dark matter all over the white bathroom tiles
Tried to extinguish salty burning tears with stomach acid
You smelled sweet and savory at the same time.

I’m sorry for drowning the rest of you in the toilet.
But they say “nothing good ever lasts long enough” for a reason.
You see, love is a battlefield and I’m Napoleon.