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yelhsa Jul 12
To love my dad
is to never come with empty hands.
To have a talk with my dad,
is to set up a meeting,
and don't forget to write it on his note pad.
To hang out with my dad,
is to call one day randomly
and hope he includes you in his plans.
I grew up without a dad I say this figuratively,
because he was their financially, but never physically.
People see the outside and say, "he's working hard for your future."
If only they could walk in my shoes they'll see they had no clue.
My dad compares me to all the women he ever lusted,
and that's just weird to me.
He would ask me,
Why don't you wear make-up,
you'll look prettier.
Why don't you lose weight,
more men will come your way.
It's always why aren't you like them,
will he ever love me for who I am?
At times I wonder does he have shame to call me his daughter?
I have no male figure,
the ones that I call family they all have let down,
go figure!
To my daddy,
he will never read this because I know this is not his interest.
For the father that caused emotional abuse.
yelhsa May 22
I love my Narc, I call him dad or daddy. They say I am daddy’s girl; they say my daddy loves me more! As I grew older, I felt I must go to war just to get a few words. Time passes; can I still love my daddy? My heart hurts, I was once my daddy’s prize possession. Now I look in the mirror and cry, I feel like a bad decision. I am the first born, my daddy’s first girl. I know they tell him “You should call her”, but my daddy is a businessman he has no time for his daughter. As soon as my phone rings, I drop everything. “Hi daddy, I miss you! How have you been?” is what I say every time he calls. He never showed affection, so I always ask myself will I be lucky today, “Bye daddy, I love you!”, I just hear the phone call end. I'm in tears. Can you love a Narcissistic father? I do, it’s just harder
If you want to be my partner then you need to grovel
If you want to be my partner then swallow all of your daydreams
If you want to be my partner then don't go round saying mean things

I'll promise to take great good care of you and kiss all of your little boo boos
I'll promise to lie with a glistening smile
So bright it'll erase all of your pain you had with me,
You'll melt like candy in a wrapper on a hot day
Leaving imprints of memories on the sizzling sidewalk.

Don't worry darling, I'll wipe those tears with my very own hands, not his or theirs or hers, (I won't let them) but of mine, the one that gave you all of this trauma.

Isn't it bittersweet how you're on the swing and I'm pushing you like you've always dreamed?
Fabricating me in your mind while I'm manipulating your reality?
You don't think I see the spark in your eyes when your high?
In a moment I can just push you off it & down into the dirt you go.
Let me tell you what once was
and what has come to pass,
We skip over the names
of chemicals ingested
otherwise we might be here
forever, boring you
with the finer details of our sorcery.

Some psychoactives were ingested
and they had great effect, but
as that garrulous fiend
lost himself to/in guileless babbling
about some concomitant companion,
A friend, an event, special he felt
in the company of a human
who made him feel like an adult,
Selfish octopus
what you must think of me, but
why should I care/does it matter?
I do because it's what humans do
and there's some human left in me
yet (hopefully.) Tell me what occurred
on the banks of the Lethe?
Don't answer that.
"Not what but why" was actually asked.
My, this has been
a most meandering
experience said the
author who promptly
resigned and fell asleep
doubtful how anyone who
actually bothered to read this
most prosaic mess should have
managed. It does have a fine name
if nothing else, and undertones
of narcissism always help in
the casting of a fair spell.

Floating down this
preserved memory,
Way down on
the banks of
the Lethe
where
memory
dares not
ordinarily
stir (up whatever
does occur), therein

we find ourselves asking
why
should we
remember this?

What is this
significance
you grapple
with, what
question is
it that we
might ask.
Meaningless
details amid most
meaningful memories
haunt me, everlasting.
Not Lauren Dec 2021
We are woven together - I cannot free myself

No matter how many ties I cut
Dream Fisher Feb 2020
An older lady came to the pharmacy
To pick up her oxycodone twenties,
Her copay wasn't much money,
Double counted a hundred twenty
As close to me as you stand,
I explained her doctor prescribed Narcan.
In case of overdose, one spray up the nose
Can save yourself or someone else.
She twisted her face to me real funny,
And said "What do you take me for a druggie?"
She took the vial, left the spray
As I waved with a have a nice day.

She felt accused by me, in a huff,
Threw the pills up in her cabinet.
As fate would have it, her granddaughter
Came over and spotted the bottle with red cap.
Imagining the high if she could get that,
Imagining the euphoria as she stole that.
Sneaking off into the bathroom
Downing tap, she consumed a few.

Something wasn't right, her breath felt light,
Disoriented trying to read the label,
Hands shaking, feeling her body dive,
She saw the number twenty, thinking they were fives.
Unresponsive, her grandmother runs in
With the sound of a heavy crash,
She waits for paramedics who arrive at last.
Only to announce, nothing to be saved
Now she digs a grave for pride over a nasal spray.
Sonia Ettyang Dec 2018
I thought I could save you from the your own demons
That lingered behind those empty eyes
But if I knew then what I know now
I should have ran and never looked back
As everything felt wrong right from the start
The love bomb
The mind games
The death stares
All those were red flags!
But I lied to myself
I lied to myself that me and you were destined
I lied to myself
That you were the chosen one, yang to my yin
I lied to myself
That you were my mirror and I was staring at my reflection
But you were just a mirage
Putting up a charade while you mimicked me
Took down my walls and entrance gain
I was so lost then but now I'm found
If you ask me I know better now
As for you, you'll never find what you're looking for
No amount of love on this earthplane can rescue your fallen soul back to light
For you need no saving, all you're after is your next source of energy, a chain of supply is what your ego craves.
Just know you can hide but never ran
Your Mr nice guy masks will soon fall off
Everything will lay bare and that void within will show
©Sonia Ettyang
Music tends to spark back memories...wrote this while listening to "Hubris" by Sevdaliza
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