Blue stares at me in a crowd,
Seeing a blue that I knew lightyears ago.
Well I'd be ****** here you are again,
Offering me entry into a home I once knew.

Now you are smiling next to the window
Of the house we shared.
New curtains droop down next to a figure
The figure of evil.

Leaving you behind, a wave washes over me
Of sentimental longing or wisful affection.
Craving to have had won you,
To have saved you from the evil you are still so drawn to.

It's just that the moon is full,
And I hear a voice on the telephone that I knew lightyears ago.
Flicking the switch I cut out a part of myself.

The hurt of it ripping me in two,
The moon phases and I swim up, meters of blue still above me.
Stroke after stroke I rush to breathe.
Year after year I still pine after it.

Now I look out of the window with curtains that droop,
That droop down next to me
Throwing a dim light on a double bed

I try to stay happy
Happy for them
I don’t want them to see my struggles
I don’t want them to hurt
Or to know the hurt i have
So i smile
Anything can be hidden behind a smile
Even the most hurt people can hide it
The hiding is from the smile
But the truth
The truth is in the eyes
Its always the eyes

Its okay to have fewer friends than others
Its okay to be yourself
I never knew that before
I wish i did
Its okay to love another woman
I know i do
Its okay to write your feelings
I know i do
But i do as no one listens
No one listens as i talk
I talk too much
Im too annoying
I never found them to be annoying
I sit there and listen
I hear all their problems
Their minor inconveniences
But as i make an attempt to tell mine
I talk too much
Thats why i write
Thats why i wrote the letters
Theres only one attempt left for me
I’ll be listening from the stars

They say kids need to get burnt
To learn not to put their hand in the fire
But i never did
Instead i built a tolerance
I saw how long i could keep it there
Before it felt too good
Before i felt things again
I need to feel things again sometimes

I said id stop,
I tried.
I said i wouldn’t,
I tried.
I didn’t want to,
I apologised,
I tried.
I tried my hardest,
Its still not enough,
I tried.
Im sorry.

My body littered with scars,
Some do it to punish,
Some do it to feel something,
Anything.
It feels good to feel something,
Anything.
Some find ways to stop,
They never truly stop.
They need to feel something,
Anything.

waking up in a haze,
wondering what day it is.

nights blurring into the next,
trying to pull myself together.

lost, confused, wondering:
what the hell is wrong with me?

is this just a phase?
is this post-traumatic response
or recovery?

because everything seems
to go too fast, or
way too slow,

and i think
i'm gonna breakdown.

stupid toxic tendencies,
i keep trying every day,
and it's oh-so exhausting.

imagine an enemy,
only you can see—

man vs. self,
back to the basics
of healing and discovery.

fighting the bad thoughts,
just to get another day.

so tired and over it,
i gotta claw my way out,

or i'll never truly be set free.

I told him that I needed some space.
That I think if we had it
we'd be on better terms.

So he gave it to me..
the space between his shoulder
and elbow.
Some space on his chest
where I could rest my
oh
so
tired
head.

There
right there
where his heart beats
the fear right out of my skin.
There is where I slept,
longer than I normally
would have.
My manic mind
usually puts a
choke hold on sleep
much later in the night.
He slept too, even
though he hadn't been
awake for too long.
'Go ahead and rest my love '
is what he spoke to me.

Sometimes all we need is a little space.