My Aunt says
that when she dies,
she wants a simple crenellation
with afternoon tea to follow.

My Aunt says
if a chef can drop
a cream meringue on the floor
and call it Eton Mess,
why can’t she do something similar
with her sherry trifle?

My Aunt says it’s pointless
putting the clocks back
when you just put them forwards
six months later,
and why won’t people
leave time alone?

My Aunt says
in her day all women
weren’t allowed ladies
and those that weren’t
didn’t tell.

My Aunt says
she could never live
in the U.S.A.
as it’s full of Americans

My Aunt says in her day
men weren’t allowed in the kitchen.
And very often, the bedroom too.

My Aunt says
she thinks these wife swapping parties
where partners are chosen
by throwing your car keys on the table
are very risky.
After all, what if you went home
with the wrong car?

My Aunt says in her day
there were far fewer birth signs.
Women only got drunk at New Year,
so most people were Leos.

My Aunt says
men in Bali wear skirts,
but they don’t expect
to go into women’s loos
like they do in England.

My Aunt believes
people should be allowed
to be gay in the privacy
of their own homes.
There is no need
for them to come out.