My life has changed dramatically recently
All I wanted was to succeed, achieve and make my family proud of me
I never asked for anything other than to be loved and to love others
but every event showed me how this world is so cruel and loveless
I let myself down disappointed in my own ability
To mess up my life so very quickly
Build walls shut everyone out because I’m to embarrassed to let anyone in
If anyone can save me it’s him
But he saw sense, he’s gone now too
Just me, myself and I with my ****** up mind but even that’s left  
Oh, where is my mind?

My life has changed dramatically recently
Cigarettes Joni Mitchell songs bleeding heart a dozen spliffs ****** up mind and red wine
Maybe I need this
I need to be destructive for once in my life so if anyone is looking for my sensibility she jumped off a bridge on the freeway because she was tired of the pressure from everyday
The burden of being strong for a dysfunctional family when they couldn’t be strong for you
So you are left with only you but you can’t stand yourself
Pass that joint, rack me up a line, burn a cigarette my way and feed me wine
Oh, where is my mind?

My life has changed dramatically recently oh how will I make it through?
I’m punching holes through walls watching my inner castle fall
Smoking beers why am I here?
Pick me up from the floor can’t walk anymore where is the door? Jesus I’m such a *****
Shunned all hope shoot up the dope spark up a cigarette drinking for weeks straight oh I think I might die I wanna go home
Passing out in strangers cars covered in bruises and my own scars
My smile is gone I’m not even holding on driving myself insane what is my name? It was fun when I was 23 snorting Mandy in your front seat but I’m older now and I knew you never loved me, leaving me to walk home in the cold aimlessly
Looking for love in the wrong places with distorted faces

Thought of the day 1
I know so much about you now. I know the wrinkles beneath your eyes when you smile
I know the flash of red between my fingers from your strands
I know how to hold your hand
I know the smell of your cologne, the smell of your room that I am familiar with
I know the place you live
I know the sound on the guitar you make and all the songs you played
I know your favorite movies and how you tried to watch the shining with me but I had to turn it off because I was high as **** and it scared me
I know you love garlic bread more than life itself
I know how pale blue eyes makes your heart hurt but just like Lou Reed says you were my mountain top, I thought of you as my peak
I know the sound of your voice when you speak
The clothes you wear, the denim jacket that wrapped me from the cold air
I know sonic youth is one of your favorite bands but you love Metallica the most
Saturday mornings, you and me drinking coffee and eating toast
I know the color grey for your bedding
Twisted duvet, my glasses fixed while you were reading
Veggie burgers inside bread sandwiches with ketchup watching Brooklyn 99
I just remember thinking how happy you made me every time
It wasn’t the nights out, the drinking or the smoking
It was being with you and how I felt like myself in your presence
I know every single fact from your childhood because I listened when every word came from your mouth
If I close my eyes I see you now
My favorite handsome bean, my favorite person to lean
myself into and hold him inside my arms
I know so much about you... but now.. what am I to do with what I know?
Because you don’t want me now
Instead, you want me as a friend but I don’t think I have the strength
It’s not how long you’ve known someone, it’s the impact they have
You made an impression that’s hard to get rid of
What am I to do with all I know about you now? It’s all useless facts
Just as I am useless to you, fading away into the mist leaving your mind but your smile has imprinted on me
This is it, the letter I wrote can go in the bin, the photos of us can be shredded and torn, the t-shirt I gave you tossed away, my number can be deleted and all the messages erased
I’m disposable now, your tomorrow has nothing to do with me
Linger on pale blue eyes
May they forever haunt my darkest mind, torturing me knowing
I couldn’t make you feel the same, even if I tried

Slurp, slurp, slurp, slurp
Yellow straws pierced paper cups
My best friend Darcie sat opposite me but I’m drifting into my own day dream
Sorry buddy, I was busy thinking about boys
                                   ……….
I love it when they are 24 with their hoods up riding on their skateboards
Cigarettes exhales, face in a smoky haze
Sips from their pints, long phone calls at night
Out in the town with their boys, gentle stubble cute glasses, cheeky winks whilst passing
I love a guy who is both cocky and sweet with the latest Vans on his feet
His sense of humour pours with hilarious sarcasm, he lives for “the bantz”
I love it when a guy makes us both a cup of tea when he didn’t even ask me
I love it when they are cheeky, moody, funny, cocky and silly
Lying in bed every Sunday holding me
Messy tousled hair everywhere, fingers through mine, a hoodie I live in, a chest I feel protected with
Then, suddenly, Darcie snaps her fingers, I’m bought back to reality, sorry, I was busy thinking about boys……..

                                          ……………….
Saturday night, glitter flies, house party chaos inside cigarettes smoking, everyone drinking, rain pouring-
I stand in the corner, me and the queens there’s some tens they’ve just seen
I drink my drink, words are getting slurred
No time to think
Some lads walk over to us but they aren’t the lads I like
My mind wonders…….
                                            …………
I like guys with tousled hair and a soulful stare
I love sculpted features they are such handsome creatures and unique smiles so secret, I couldn’t tell anyone else
I love a tall lad who can make me laugh and I don’t mean giggle a little I mean **** my pants hilarious
I like a guy who is controversial, someone who is not afraid to say what he wants, a sassy man who can match me
I adore talent, someone who is brave from all the demons he has faced
“Earth to Hannah! Babe, you want to drink?”
Kirsty is in front of me
Oh **** yeah mate sorry, I was busy thinking about boys
                                            …………
Sunday hungover, watching Buffy the vampire slayer, obviously eating pizza
Then, in walks Ella
“Hannah, honey, I need some advice from ya!”
Ok.
Her lips are moving but her words are lost in translation
I don’t notice her frustration
Because, of course, I was busy thinking about boys
                                          ………..
I would love a sarcastic, cocky, cheeky lad to read me books on love
Then stare into my soul and say he’s found his, I am enough
To claim his search is over and even love me when he is sober
Sunday is made for napping in his arms in our fort of no harm
Drinking tea together in our lazy state not only is he a lover but also a soul mate
I would feel so pretty every time he looks at me, he would never cheat
I would chop his ***** off if he did, he knows this
Nah seriously though,
I really ******* would
But he would say “I don’t need to look anywhere else”, he’s being honest, I can tell
“Hannah! **** sake, are you listening?”
Sorry mate, I was busy thinking about boys
                             …………..
Long day, a thousand coffees consumed, I’m finally home
I race to my room I want time on my own
Candle light dancing on these walls the flame burns to white
Incense lit, vinyl’s play, I close my eyes and disappear into the night
Not even answering phone calls because I’m so busy thinking about boys
                              ………
My dream tall happy, funny, cocky king of street style he rides on his skateboard for miles, out with his boys drinking pints
Giving out cheeky winks but when he lays his eyes on me it’s his heart I win
**** stubble brushing against my soft delicate skin constantly wearing his clothes I live in
Fingers intertwine all the time, his body entangled in mine
And, on the days he’s not fine I do what I can to bring him back to life
He will be the bravest man I know because those demons never got your soul
Messing each other’s hair, breathing in cold air, running through the streets like we don’t care. His soulful stare
I love him so much
Sunday church is only present in our bed where we worship each other, he is my best friend and my soulmate like no other
We read to each other drinking tea together in our den of safety where he feels like home to me
His sarcasm gets me through every awkward family gathering
I laugh so hard I need to ***, he is the one for me
I haven’t met him but I’m in love already
He’s a good man, he doesn’t lie or cheat and he’s seen me in all my defeats but he’s helped me stand up once again where he chased away the pain
He’s a talented soul but he doesn’t believe it so yet I tell him everyday
We saved each others lives in a way.
So, yes to answer the question I was thinking about boys but there’s one particular,
His name unknown, no one you know
Nether do I
But I'm sure he is the one who will stay and be forever mine locked away in a locket close to my beating heart
I will not apologize for thinking about him, the one true love I will find
                                   …………

Testament
I forced change, spoke no words in your presence

Tried eagerly to be prettier,                                                                        

I slept in a daze, I was never fully awake, fasted everyday

Nourishment never touched my lips they were sewn shut by the cruel seamstress coiled inside my bones

Only water poured a drop to satisfy my skin desperately wanting to be pure in your eyes only...........

In that time my soul grew restless

My body laid on a bed of nails to test my obedience,

I swallowed every bullet from your gun, baptized with the blood of my own,

Forced on my knees to pray and ask for my own forgiveness,

Sat alone waiting for a miracle, I crossed over to the other side hoping I would see you,

My skin hardened along with my heart, I bathed in your words,

Soaked in every sentence  from your tongue but you hid the deceit

Yet after all this I still wasn’t good enough for you.

My assassin came with a cigarette smile you murdered my trust

Then, came the question I chose to hide from my mind but now I couldn't **** myself any longer

                               Do you love her?

The light above me flickers and scares forcing  my reflection to changes and distort
Your bleeding into my thoughts
My own horror show but you perform
Shakily, I push into the wall, trying to find some kind of balance within
Your nails dig, rip and shred my skin
3 years on, we don’t talk anymore but your still present. Like a demonic possession where I may need an exorcism  
                                                  ……….­.      
I know you saw me when I was 17, I was a mean beauty queen with my life torn at the seams
Still, you thought there was something about me
I was captured in your eyes your hand reached into my chest to grab my heart
There was no one else who wanted me quite like you did from the start
But I knew you could tear me apart
For an entire summer you became the feeling of loneliness that felt so similar, corruption and destruction I knew so well
For you I fell
She’s going to **** me but the night we kissed I didn’t see you resisting me
While she rested peacefully unknowingly with you on my lips  
                                                 ……….
Your in and out of my life, your never a consistent ghost
I don’t know why you like haunting me the most
Obsession and a dangerous lust was all we ever knew
You said if you weren’t with her you would be with me
*******
You made your choice now live with it
I gave you countless chances
How about the night you told me you loved me when I was in a relationship  
Then you forget about me like a nightmare clothed in deceit
Four years of being your slave and praying your love will set me free from these chains you bound me in
But you stayed on that throne while I bled for you on the floor
A master of the lying game, a king of heartbreaks
I wanted to be your reality, your truth from all the fakes
But you wanted me to be your Sasha Grey instead
While your girlfriend sleeps in your bed
I was a ***** little secret you never wanted to tell
One of the many ****** you condemned to hell
Still, I would had done anything for you
Because your kiss rendered true
                               ………….

I’m glad we don’t talk anymore, honestly, I couldn’t take it
The phone call when I was twenty years old confessing my love for you, I was the only one who said it
You ran away and hid, didn’t come back until you were ready
To use me yet again
My mind became your playroom, chain me, spit on me, abuse me, choke me, use me but never love me….. how could you?
When I didn’t even know my own value
I ran to you countless of times because your malevolence felt like my childhood home
The way you would play with my heart was incredibly low
You knew what you were really doing inside
Like Satan preying on the catholic girl in the church
Burning the rosary of passion into my skin to hurt, you laughed at the pain  
But no, we don’t talk anymore and thank god
                             ………..
It amazes me but you still have the power to burn inside me
My body wanting to reject your entity
Depraved, obscene, revolting, my first love when I was 17
My mouth opens wide, twisted searing hot liquid rides
Straight out of my mouth, back to the hell where you come from
I plead, like that poor catholic girl trying to escape your grasp
“Please let me go, don’t haunt me anymore”
But I can feel your hand inside, pulling my words down, I bite, I chew, I tear, I gnarl
I steady myself before I feel them rise up
I start to feel the burn I move away and turn
You stand before me in the doorway, I don’t want to hear what you have to say
“Tell me you loved me once and I will believe you”,
**** surrounds me as you inhale, you ignore everything I say, you just stand there in a daze.
I nod and realise, it’s me who never let you go, not the other way around
“I don’t want you here anymore, understand? You’re the past I no longer want, your not even a real man, you’re the ghost who just likes to haunt for fun to keep his game playing, you will not take me back down to hell with you”,
I stand, breathing heavy
I feel him slipping away from me
If it was that easy I would had done that years ago
But I guess I wasn’t ready back then to let you go
I’m glad we don’t talk anymore, sorry, but I am