I stood at her bedside quietly.
She looked peaceful.
She looked happy.
I held my siblings' shoulder as they cried.
I knew it would be hard for them.
I would be there for them.

It was just twenty minutes ago.
I had looked over, her oxygen tube was no longer moving.
Not in the rhythmic way it does when she breathes.
It was still, still as stone.
I swallowed thickly before speaking aloud.
My mom was quick to get up to make sure.
I hesitated before following her over.

I now waited for my little sister to take a breath.
Her sobs racked her body and I rubbed her shoulder.
They'd never lost someone before.
It wouldn't be goodbye forever,
but for a while.

They both said goodbye with sobs.
I stayed there quietly.
She looked tranquil.
No pain.
No worry.

~

I was the only child to attend the viewing.
She looked cold this time.
Pale, a little blue.
And yet still so beautiful.
She was only in a cardboard box.
I'd wished we brought nail polish.
I believe my my mom said goodbye there.
I stayed quiet.
I never said goodbye.

I wish I would have just said goodbye.
I wish she would've taken more pictures.
I wish I knew more about her.
I wish she never got cancer.
I wish I would have just said goodbye.
I wish she never smoked.
I wish the cancer never metastasized.
I wish she was here.
I wish I would have just said goodbye.
I wish I didn't have to take care of her with my mom at 15.
I wish she never became weak.
I wish she stayed healthy.
I wish I would have just said goodbye.
I wish I would have cried.
I wish I would have felt.
I wish I would have just said goodbye.

Goodbye grandma.
I love you.
But it isn't goodbye forever.....
Right?

One day I'll understand this feeling
I'm alone in a room of my family, but I'm not alone.

I have myself, don't I?
I'm always there for me, aren't I?

I ask myself this on a daily basis when my friends seem to care more about me than I do myself.

Once I'm gone, maybe things will change.

They assured me
the 15 inch blunt
fingerprint- free knife
was wielded
with the stealth element
of surprise
in the midst of a normal
Sunday afternoon
behind a closed office door
he  never  knew
what happened
just dropped down  
and died
my normal world
replaced by
a  true life  horror tale
my  knees
sparred  with gravity
while this   anvil of sadness  
squashed my heart  
wobbling  legs drove  me
mercilessly to  his
  serene good bye face
on a rolling table
with a sheet
up to
     his neck.