Suffocating
The one word that describes me
When people say
Slums
Ghetto
Those are my thoughts
Fighting every second
For the right to come out of my mouth
Their jailer
Watching their struggles in cruel fascination

My mind is a battlefield
No scratch that THE battlefield
If I'm angry it's my mind
If I'm sad it's my mind
Is this normal
My thoughts raging
Screaming
For a chance to be released
Am I normal?

That's not for you to answer
I already know what u think
You see me
You think smart kid
You think quiet kid
You think normal

But none
None of you are aware of the world war 3
Inside of me
Sometimes I feel their bombs
I feel the chaos
The struggle
the pain
When I speak of these things
You claim they're headaches
Now I'm on so many meds
I can't feel a thing
Sometimes
I shout back
Getting a moment of silence
But then the memories
Oh God the memories
My mistakes
All my falls from grace
Dumb things I've tried to do
I can't deal with them
So I leave them be
My thoughts that is

All I want is silence
Pure undefiled silence
But I can't get that
I look at the jailer
He looks back
Reminding me of the abyss that is my heart
I have lived my whole life like this
In this perpetual state of detachment
Of seeing life but not living it
Wishing that one day I'll understand
Why people smile
Why they jump with joy
And why
I seem to be the only one trying to live
And why
My struggles seem to be surreal

And one last thing as I get down from this stage
I saw the jailer's face...
It was me
I'm the one causing these thoughts
I'm the one wishing for them to die
A creator trying to **** his own creation
Very philosophical in a sense
But here's to hoping that I'll understand
Eventually.

I'm skip hopping the ropes
Tired of trying to cope,
losing sight of all hope,
taking all the dope.
On a slippery *****
A random  country goat,
the paddles without a boat.
I try to warm the air,
but arn't no country fair,
I'm in the city,
and a zombie.
Tells me to stop writing
I want my old life back please,
Before I'm deceased,
but wouldn't you believe....
In 50 years , I have my legacy.
It will be my poetry.

There's a constant buzzing
its in the nearby garden,
I can see the unique beauty
of the butterfly wings.
But I refuse to engage,
I reinforce this cage.

The colors so much captivate
but there's a drowning to the wait.
Can't you just understand me?
I've driven in with all my pleas

Its not a square but the stanley,
I'm trying not to get so wasted,
A screwdriver can never always,
sometimes the screws will run and run,
but never settle in and to the stead
A square though replaced the Stanley,
can't bring upon a release of the breeze.

Spitting, wisdom of the snake,
injects me with paralyzing venom
damage done, what could I have been?
I contemplate softly, to devil seen.

There's no comfort of warm blanket,
My eyes are open to satanic lies,
but also to the un-truth of a God who died,
Spinning top, to cries in wind as I fly.

There is a dark shape that follows me,
Beneath me, over me, swallows thee,
guilt builds up, like a circus which never stops,
I hear the whispers whenever I eavesdrop......

I get swallowed by pain that's hallow,
I am but cargo to my evil shadow
I sit and sip my intoxication bliss,
I am but the this to what I'll miss,

I am all but innocence in my own eyes,
I can't live with my own sins and lies,
I am but anyone to catch dove as she flies,
I am anyone to turn to with questions why.....

This demon, it sits and watches over me,
waiting for vulnerability that it will see,
I am the guilt lit up for all flames thus seen
I am the in-between to what could have been.

Please don't try to call,
as I float down empty halls,
my corpse near the lift lobby,
all this for my favorite hobby.

What's a name in shame,
if the crime doesn't get blamed,
and all because of fame,
Is this real life or just a game?

A rhythm to no brevity,
holding on to sanity,
but my yellowing silently
tells me I am dying,

A cause, forced without the small talk,
learn to crawl before you can walk,
the gravity of this situation,
criminally is my reality,

But I brought on the storm,
the hail blasting my chaos,
still the child bumping heads,
throbbing, wish I was dead,

You can't look into those hurtful eyes,
and pretend to let sleeping dogs lie,
you can't rhyme a story, has no glory
In the mirror, I can't see the holy,

Am I lost so completely,
I feel so insecurely,
no seat belt before the crash,
the drums and the brash.

Have I always been dead,
a book that's never been read,
fearful I go forward and tread,
but was stale always the bread?

The darkness surrounds and is inside of me
The night is when my soul sets free
Rambling homeless fill me with stories
Lost loved ones and long past glories

The darkness over-whelmes my heart
I am addicted to the blackest arts
Horror films, satanic bibles
I give birth to a new revival

I need fear to arouse my blood
The bathtub becomes a flood
dripping red and overflows
I don't need my flesh cargo

A creature now who feeds
on modern anxieties
I whisper in the ears
of out-dated christian fears

I am dead and so are you
I will teach a new break thru.
Rid your flesh, enter your mind
One by one, I end man-kind.

I once was attracted
Now I am darkness
A creature of the night
Let the bed bugs bite!!

Deer, never learns a lesson,
since spawn of the fawn,
gentle eyes, can't manage our skies,
gentle strokes and we lose within.

A manic toddler brushing all sin,
an animal though has no conscious
but a belly rub doesn't go un-noticed,
never noticed silence in gum trees.
Strands of hair, giggles in breeze,

Child can't anticipate arrows of  death,
the last tug out, draws a last breathe,
A boy to a man or instinct's a monster
move forward with a war monger's roster.

You cannot comprehend
the raising nature
of salty pretzels
having empty solitary.
A casting of a wand
burning of thick fur,
a factory that minces
blood spills on the lands.
Lollies from a stranger,
saints are ******* devils,
ruin sowings of residents
A hang out in the diner.
Where they whisper & conspire
to spill out all your guts.
Feast on belly tasty fats,
A quietness of sickness.
Talks of lopping chicken heads
from one whose a hitchhiker....
About to spill my cravings,
living is flesh upon dying,
expired  to dead tissue.

I have gone through life,
But It had no purpose,
A meaningless stride,
Nothing beneath surface,

I have had no goal,
No dreams, no ambition,
Life settled in stone,
A fool on an audition,

In that mindless state,
I have lived for years,
I altered my fate,
Got rid of my fears,

I'm glad I kept going,
Glad I haven't stopped,
This tree keeps on growing,
This soul never dropped,

I wanted to stop,
My meaningless stride,
I wanted to stop,
This life with no pride,

There was an option,
But I never took it,
Life's filled with emotion,
But I do not look it,

I never thought of killing myself,
That was a way I never entailed,
I never thought to hang on a shelf,
I never made a plan so detailed,

I never thought to jump from a height,
I never thought to fall to my death,
To fall from a place where one could take flight,
I never thought to take my last breath,

There was no point of going that way,
That's why I chose to live one more day,
A day in my life, meaningless at times,
A day in my life, a place full of lies,

Now here I stand,
No more beneath surface,
Please give me a hand,
I have found my purpose,

For I found my cure,
For it is to teach,
For it's  to make pure,
What others can't reach.