you have showered my soul
with light
with love
with softness
with ease

always asking permission
always seeking to
make me laugh
to smile

and you do it every time
every **** time

you sit there knowing
i could have
thrown myself at any man
in the room
yet before i get a chance
you stop me

you stopped my numbness
this numbness i have had for years
thank you for making me feel
for showing me i am worth it
for showing me i can be soft
for showing me light
for showing me genuine true laughter

if i drench my body in coconut oil
will it cleanse my soul
of all the darkness
of all the pain

if i drench my body in coconut oil
will i be happier
will it fix the cracks within soul
and mend it all together

if i drench my body in coconut oil
will it erase the bruises you left on my body
will it erase the emotional ones too

i want all of the hate
i have for my body
to seep out of every hole

until there is nothing left
but my hollow self
to fill with only

s e l f     l ov e

for the first time
in 1,460 days
since i have laid eyes on you
i feel okay

i am standing on my own two feet
without you

i look around to find you
in the crowd
not out of excitement
but out of fear
of your fist finding my neck
once again

its like the weight of the world
has been lifted off my back
the weight of your world
has been lifted out of my life

i am free
never to be consumed by you

ever again

when you are a little girl
they tell you
how to act
how to talk
how to smile
to always be forgiving

but how do we forgive
the man who couldn't help
but force his own body onto us
without consent

how do we stay quiet
and not speak up
when his fist meets our throat
and the bruises look of a
red and purple painting
mashed together with pain on our skin


i want to be like a vibrant watercolor painting
u n f o r g i v i n g

if you take advantage
of someone's weaknesses

that is
n o t
love

you are not who
everybody wants you to be

you are you
and that is far
more than enough

My name is Erin
and i was *****
at the age of 7

it has taken me
14 years of my life
for those 13 words to escape
my hollow mouth

the only questions i come to now
is why
why lock me in that room
why take everything from me
my innocence
my purity
my childhood

in that room
where my family trusted you
where i trusted you
the night terrors i have to this day
still haunt my mind

like a never ending
drive in movie that plays
over
and
over
only the moon in the night sky
isnt made to be found here
there is no light in these terrors

i cant sleep this time of year
because every time i do
its you
in that room
locking the door
shutting the windows
******* me
yelling at me
every single night
i close my eyes

it has taken me 14 years
to accept the fact that i was taken by you
i have been numb ever since
left in the dust
rotting away at the core
thinking i was nothing
thinking i deserved nothing
because you took everything

but not anymore
i will recover from this
i am strong enough
i believe in myself
i believe in my own happiness
and i promsie
that when i have children one day
i will never ever let them rot at the core
i will find happiness
the darkness will not take over this time

i am locked within a cage
of my own making
my hands and feet are ******
from trying to climb these walls
made of my own bones and hatred

i am screaming please don't leave
but by the time the words
make their way up to my mouth
from this prison
only the word
leave
escapes my mouth