i keep reading
the old letters.
from the old you.
holding on to what you
used to be.
i cant grasp
the person who's in front of me today.

I want to ****** love

I can barely feel anymore
In the traditional sense of the word
My feelings have become flashes of color
Sparked by the mention of your name
(Even if that person wasn’t actually talking about you)
I see warm worn pink- the exact color of the ballet shoes of youth that would never stay tied
(nothing stays together in the long run)
I see the way you held me once
And tipped my face up towards yours
The color of your metallic tongue- kissing me first.
I hear bright red, the exact color of grandma’s lipstick on her glass,
The sound of a constant dial tone
And my many tearful messages
I feel purple with pain
It runs through me very numb, like bad music through an empty hallway,
My blood, icy in my veins
And scratching from the inside to get out
(Burst out all over something peaceful like a white picket fence I will never know)
This is not what anyone should know about himself or herself
I am ruined for other feelings
And when I smell the sunlight
It only reminds me of a warm hand
I can no longer hold
I imagine that this is what hard drugs do to the sane
A catalyst
I am incapable of remembering
And when I close my eyes
I can feel your back on my face
i would push into you until I sweated my heart out
on your dog hair covered sheets.

I can barely feel anymore
In the traditional sense of the word

it's a faded blue color, pressed from being unworn
when i last wore it i was a different me
and i been many different people in between
along a natural path to find myself
i've done unnatural things,
said several things that i would never let pass
my lips again.

i've learned and i've grown, most awkwardly shown
in a faded blue dress in the back of my closet
now hugs curves that weren't there for the last
girl who wore it, and a few inches shorter

the girl back then wouldn't dare to do the things i've done alone with you,
and she wouldn't let herself feel what i feel for you, too

and she would blush at the words and the steam in the air in the back seat of my car.

If I don't think about it
I can't hurt
If I block it out
I won't be reminded
That I poured my everything into you
And in the end lost it all
I've opened my eyes
Learned to build more walls
Now it's clear
I loved only who you use to be
The boy
Who didn't care what the world thought
Who laughed away the aching
Brought endless smiles
I miss him
That guy I met
He warmed my heart
Rescued me endlessly
He put a stop to so many tears
I'm sad
That he had to go
Because I saw the caring in his eyes
And this new you
He's rude
Hurtful
Also
As of today my heart-breaker
I just hope one day
Someone can bring back the boy I loved
Even if it's not me.

What would you have done that day
if i asked you, begged for you to stay
but now i wouldn't want you back,
for feeling for you i do now lack

you are heartless, cruel my dear
you never cared, oh how my heart did tear
and looking back, oh now i know
to the devil you had sold your soul

so close your eyes, lets say goodbye
go on and tell some other grl your little lies
and now im utterly thankful for that day
the day, the day you walked away.

I used to miss you
I still do
Selfish, maybe
But I miss the old you
The you that spoke your mind
The you that wasn’t left behind
You’ll walk by and pretend it’s all okay
But it’s true
I still miss you
Sometimes I can see the old you
When your eyes flash
When you almost look real

Do you know who you are?
Or, who you are to me?
Frankly, I don't know anymore
Who you are, or seem to be.

"Do your poems mean anything or are they just words thrown on paper?"
"I don't understand the question."
"I mean, did you actually think about it? Or are they just meaningless words you wrote down quickly?"
"Just because you write something quickly doesn't mean it doesn't mean anything."
"I just mean did you put thought into them?"
"I'm always thoughtful."
"I don't think you understand the question."
"You're right, I don't."