it’s 3:38AM
even after a month
and ten days
i’m always up so late
because my thoughts
are still filled
with you

a.g

They say the first stage of grief is denial. Then comes anger. Then bargaining, depression, and acceptance. During these times, your brain can’t seem to come to an accord. These components make me feel miserable. The transition between each isn’t much better. It’s a difficult concept to understand, but after a while the pieces all come together and you finally understand.

April 16, 2016

Saturday, April 16th. He’s gone. He’s gone and there’s nothing that can bring him back. He’s gone and there’s nothing that can bring him back.

Fast forward.

April 18, 2016

Monday, April 18th. A serene energy flows through my therapist’s office. I assume she had called me up here to address my various everyday antics, but I got the least expected. She pulls out her phone for an emergency phone call. Something bad has clearly happened. My heart beat slowly grows faster and faster. I eye her carefully as she calls my grandpa’s number. It begins to ring.

What happened?

It’s Cullen, I am told. No. It can’t be. They’re lying. This couldn’t have happened; he didn’t deserve it. The main question on my mind:

Why?

It’s hard to keep my thoughts benign at this point. To be frank, I want to deface the skin on my wrists. I want to scream, to cry. Anything to have him back. Nothing I think is rational. It’s like an infinite sadness is taking over. I just lost you. I miss you already.

Rewind.

December 25th, 2014

Thursday, December 25th, 2014. Play dough race car tracks and tiny guitars. Purple dolphins and video games. Just a few of the things I remember from that cherished night. A night I would live over and over, just so I can see him again.

That nice was a bonanza of happiness.

Thursday, December 25th, 2014. The last time I saw him.
Rewind

Georgia.

Climbing waterfalls, catching tadpoles. The precious moments of my childhood spent with you. I wish for every moment of it back.

I remember catching tadpoles. We got little butterfly nets, and would go hiking and occasionally dip them in little ponds we came across. I remember the little bullfrog tadpole I caught, one with its legs fully grown, bigger than all the other ones.

I could sit here and shout memories at you, but that would take up far too much space.

Fast forward.

I’m angry. I miss him, and I’m angry at the world for letting him go. My feelings become a burden on my shoulders, only to be let out on the people that I loved most. Truth be told, I was scared I’d lose them too. I would do anything to have him back.

Sadness begins to overcome me. I missed the funeral. My only chance to truly say goodbye. I hope you’re okay, wherever you are. And please, don’t forget…

I love you, Cullen, big much.

we're the girls, we're the girls, we're the girls.

one time, he asked to finger me. and i said no. but it's my fault. it's my fault.

we were at his house. originally, he had asked to just eat me out. he asked me do i remember the time he had wanted to do it before, i said yeah, i remember, but i need to ***. i'll **** in your mouth. haha. okay, so can i finger you instead? no, i'd rather you not, but he persisted. come onnnnn!! please?

okay, so yes. i said yes. that is was fine. i told him i was alright with it. he doesn't know what he did. he doesn't know what he did.

did i want it? no! but i did say yes. that means he's innocent. it's my fault.

we were playing minecraft. i asked can i go to the restroom, he said yeah, so i headed upstairs. his parents were home. i could have asked for help.

the deed was done. i had asked him to stop- it hurt- so he eventually did. i was in pain.

we're still friends.

we're the girls, we're the girls, we're the girls.

summer going in to 8th grade. my boyfriend liked to touch me... a lot. he was always really mean to me. i'd beg him to stop, but a nervous laugh always followed. he never took me seriously. the abuse continued until i finally gained the courage to break up with him.

we're the girls, we're the girls, we're the girls.

half the school has seen me naked. i don't know how to say no. my body doesn't feel like mine anymore. all yours, for you to take advantage of.

we're the girls, we're the girls, we're the girls.

i have an eating disorder that tears me apart piece by piece. i just want to be perfect so you will LOVE ME. there's nothing more to me than a disgusting, rotting, body.

we're the girls, we're the girls, we're the girls.

one night, i chugged ***** until i vomited all over the carpet at etc coffee house.

i just wanted to feel okay.

we're the girls, we're the girls, we're the girls.

my sister got ***** in the closet next to my room. i thought she was just having ***. i got in the shower so i didn't have to hear the noise.

i could have gone in there and stopped him.

we're the girls, we're the girls, we're the girls.

one time in middle school, i cut myself and someone reported it to the guidance counselor. i begged her not to tell my mom so she never did.

we're the girls, we're the girls, we're the girls.

i told my friend that i got sexually assaulted. he made jokes about it and laughed. i went home and cried.

we're the girls, we're the girls, we're the girls.

i feel like i'm rotting
from the inside out
i just really wish
not everyone would doubt
me

i'm rotting, can't you see?
he hurt me

he
hurt
me.

early wake
it's time to take
another nap

cross my heart and hope to die
stick some scissors in my eye
and i won’t beg, i won’t cry
until your death, i won’t die
as i wallow in my pain
your words are sweet like sugarcane
comfort me with pretty lies
i love you