one. you can't. everytime their name is mentioned, your heart can't help but beat a little too fast, your stomach can't help but sink a little too deep, and your mind reminds you of every time the words i'll never leave left their mouth, without hesitation. without uncertainity. without doubt. how could you feed my hollow self with your assurance when you were never sure yourself?
two. this is how it starts and this is how it will never end. with questions that'll always be left unanswered. with one piece of the puzzle always missing. with all the what if's and could have's, and why, and how can they?
three. the first thing you should realise is that they are capable of everything. stop the how can they, and the how come. if there's one thing i've learned is people can. they can hurt your fragile little self and shatter every bit of self worth they might've helped you build up, themselves. stop the questioning. you might not want to hear the answers as much as you think you do. they won't tell you what you want to hear. we, people, are self contradictory. we claim to want the truth, but that's not what we want. we create versions of truths in our ever lasting thoughts and make believe. we make believe to survive.
four.  survive. breathe, breathe, breathe. take a look around you, take a look at the people you are surrounded with. we live in an astonishingly beautiful environment. try to look at the world as whole, and look at how insignificant that person that you're "in love" with is. look at how insignificant you are. take it in, take it in. you'll be able to get through this. your heart will mend, nature will take care of that.
five. you should stop blaming them. you should stop blaming yourself. and you should stop blaming the world. another thing i've learned is that, you will not always end up with the person you're in love with. and just because someone's in love with you, does not mean that they won't hurt you. and just because they've hurt you does not mean that they don't care for you. that's life. it's bias. it does not make sense but there's no use to try and make sense of it. you'll end up empty.
six. hatred is not forgetting. indifference is not forgetting. missing is not forgetting. longing is not forgetting. there's no forgetting. don't beat yourself up for still caring. it's humane. time. it'll take time. that person will fade away to the ((danger, danger. do not touch)) pile in your brain to rarely be thought of. yes, there will come a time in which you'll not think of them. take my lead, will you?
seven. this will be a long road. but you need to know that hurt does not last. hurt is not eternal. not one feeling is eternal, you'll get through this. some time soon, you'll meet this someone that'll make you feel things you've never thought you're capable of feeling. they were good to you, but you'll find someone who's good to you and appreciates you just as much. someone who will show you what to love about yourself, which is you whole. because ******* it, you're holy. you're lovely. you're wonderful. someone that'll make misery a foreign word to you. you'll find that someone soon, princess. i promise you.

you, my dear, have made me feel things i've only known of in dreams. for happiness, never existed in my reality. i think of you, and i can't help but believe in god's existence because who else could come up with someone as majestic as you are? you redefined words for me. you redefined life for me. and most importantly, you redefined love for me. my heart no longer aches of pain, no. my heart aches from missing you, missing someone i've not had the privelege of calling mine, yet.

they say that darkness is a nonexistent matter and is only the absence of light but what i know of is that darkness is consuming. it makes you whole with emptiness. makes you feel safe in your solitude. and solitude is not always peaceful if your mind is a universe of it's own. if your mind is at war with your heart. if your mind holds infinite chains of thoughts, no one's interested in knowing about, thoughts with no one willing to understand them. but for far too long, i've believed that what you cant change you should learn to accept. so in solitude, i was content or convinced myself to be..
i met you though, and let me tell you that no light can ever shine as bright as you do. and you don't just shine baby, you glow. you'd enlighten the universe with just half a smile and one glimpse of those eyes i adore. you'd eliminate the indifferences of this **** world with how your mind works and how your thoughts form. i've never known of sympathy and kindness before i knew of your existence because they've always been in the form of you. purity ceased to exist before you took your first breath, and with every breath you take this trait nurtures. and with the privelege of knowing you? i'd never welcome solitude again, never before you have a persons company felt so heart warming, so safe. i'd close my doors to darkness and despair and welcome all you bring with your existence from hope and optimisim. darling, words will never express enough but i'll write you daily if it'll help you love youself. for writing about you is always something i enjoy. i never believed in the concept of heaven until i met you, for angels need their imposing home. what have i done to deserve someone as beautiful as you are? and yes you're beautiful. i want this word carved into your thoughts. baby, poets spent ages trying to write something that can amount to your beauty and yet nothing can measure up. i love you, i really do.

palms sweating. heart palpitating. mind infused with nothing but the thought of you. overwhelmed with nervousness, i approached you. we talked and with every word you uttered, my infatuation with you grew. with the way you think, and how your thoughts form in that beautiful mind of yours. with the way you talk. with your eyes, the ones i can never stop looking into. i'm in awe of your beauty, not a word in all languages can begin to describe how beautiful you are and no art can measure up to your glory. a writer can try and put you in words, but he can't sum up all that you're. you're not your flesh nor your bones, you're way more than just your parts. it's everything else that makes you, everything else that leaves me at loss of words. you're fascinating, 
i want to get to know the deepest parts of your being and what keeps you up at night. i want you to make me understand every aspect of who you are, and i promise you that no matter how much you reveal of yourself i'll not love you any less. in fact, my feelings for you will only ever nurture. i have never yet felt such admiration to one being, but what's not to admire? oh god, your smile gives me a kind of high no drug can ever give. and the sound of your laugh is something i'd never want to stop listening to. and your voice is the best form of addiction.
i, at times, do think you're too good for me. i see in you all that i ever strived to be, and i do know you're not perfect and i do know you're flawed but how can one sin so beautifully? i am not in love with you, yet. but the only one i've truly felt this deep emotion to is you. before you, all i knew of love is that it hurt. it leaves you broken, shreds and pieces of you splattered around with no one to stitch them up, with no one trying to piece you back together. but when i saw you, i saw hope. i saw a happy ending and a life worth living and that says a lot, death was always the answer for everything to me. my one longed for wish, why aren't you mine yet?

when my pen comes to paper all i can write about is.. you.
ah it's been a while now since we last talked and i haven't been okay since. it's not like i'm ever okay but talking to you made me feel not so numb. not numb. made me feel. you made my heart beat when all i wanted it to do is stop,
you made me feel complete when i was nothing but empty all my life,
you gave me a purpose when i always believed that life has none,
you changed me. completely.
i don't know if it's to better or to worse but i'm thankful to you for both.
some days though, my heart fills up with so much hatred and my lungs fill up with unbounded rage and all i want to do in that moment is make you feel the pain i did when you left. i want you to hurt so much that it becomes unbearable for you to hold on anymore. other days i feel so much regret it's overwhelming and all i want to do is rewind time and make it right again. i need to make it right again. i have to make it right, but i can't.  i wonder how i can have so much love in me yet so much hate, it's like i want to choke you to death yet sleep in your arms. your words are like daggers and the more you speak, the more i bleed. the more you speak, the more my chest heaves and i feel like i've lost as much oxygen needed for me to breath. less each time. you'll leave me breathless one day and i don't mean it as a metaphor. it's not a metaphor. my suffering will never be a metaphor because i can't compare. i believe pain is perceived differenlty from one person to another and somehow i feel my suffering is the worst. everyone feels like their suffering is the worst.
with you, it's always a charade. a guess. a thought. a feeling. you're unpredictable, and god i love this about you. you're not perfect. perfect is flawless and you're flawful and with every flaw i yet get to discover, i fall deeper in love. i fall deep. i fall but i get up. i get up to prove you wrong, oh how i love to do that. maybe i am a little bit too obsessed with you? okay too much and you've got no idea how much i hate myself for it. i'm the sinner and my sin was getting attached to you. ugh, when will this go away?
when will you go away?
when will i ever stop thinking about you?
when will i move on?
questions that i have no answers to and answers i think too much about.
you didn't love me, you did not care or at least not the way i wanted you to. one sided. my feelings are always one sided. sometimes i wish i was born with none.
you left.
you left.
you ******* left and you are not coming back and i know it's my fault but you took my feelings with you, and i can't feel anything anymore. i need to feel. i need to feel in order to move on and i guess you didn't want that. you crave attention and you know i am willing to give you all of mine, for that you used me. betrayed me. more than once. and yet, i keep thinking so good of you because i believe the good inside you overlaps the bad. you're ****** up but that's what made me love you. i love you.