I'm sorry that I cry a lot
and that my hands are too cold to hold.
I'm sorry that I get so sad that all I do is sleep.
I'm sorry that I stay up for 3 days straight sometimes.
I'm sorry that some days I just can't eat and all I do is drink water.
I'm sorry that I cry a lot and that I'm such a *****.
I'm sorry that I won't let my wounds close and that I pick at the scabs.
I'm so sorry that I avoid leaving the house because I can't stand the thought of socializing.
I'm sorry I can't pay for your gas when you drive me places.
I'm sorry I can't get a job because I smoke when I get sad.
I'm sorry for begging for ***** as a present.
I'm sorry if the nightlight keeps you from sleeping.
I'm sorry I stood in the middle of the street when I saw a car coming towards me
and I'm sorry you had to pull me out of the way.
I'm sorry I **** at writing and won't show you what I wrote.
I'm sorry I won't tell you how I feel and whats going on in my head.
I'm sorry that I can't make you feel better when you're down.
I'm sorry that I would steal things I didn't need from stores I didn't like.
I'm sorry I punched the wall multiple times when I thought about you.
I'm sorry that I refuse to see a therapist.
I'm sorry I shower with all the hot water.
I'm sorry that I say "what if..." so much.
I'm so sorry that I exist.
*I'm so ******* sorry that I exist.

You know you're in it deep
When 500 calories a day
Seems like too much to even contemplate.

When you see the number on the scale
Going down continuously
But the reflection in the mirror
Widening.

First your eating is disordered
Then you have what they call an eating disorder
And then there's no eating to it.

You know you're in it deep
When you sit down to a meal
With your family
And you break into tears.

And nobody can even tell.

I don't miss the lightheadedness
I don't miss the fatigue
I don't miss the secrets
I don't miss the planning
I don't miss the fixation, the obsession
I don't miss the emptiness

But

I do miss the willpower I used to have

I wonder if you’d want to know
I named all of my demons after you and
they haunt me in my sleep

when I was 14 I fell asleep in April and dreamed of bones and
I’m not sure I’ve really ever woken up since

when I lost 5 pounds I never saw a difference

when I lost 10 my mother said I was looking good

when I lost 20 she told me to stop and handed me food
and I became anemic

when I lost 25 I stopped drinking anything because
I felt water had calories

when I lost 30 my mother held me on her lap
and held my bones together for me

when I lost 35 I started fainting every morning and
the doctors could no longer easily find my blood pressure

when I lost 40 people started to stare and food made me cry

when I lost 45 it hurt to walk and to lay down
it hurt to eat
it hurt to breathe and
I started throwing up my empty stomach

the mind plays tricks on those that decide
nourishment is not needed

Eat.

I consider myself a mirror.
Look into me and
I shall reflect what
you expect to see.

Everyone despises mirrors
for the truths they echo,
but mirrors are just glass
and they shatter when you hit them.

0 is only possible with water
1 sadly isn't possible and won't satisfy
13 is equivalent to that of an unappetizing snack
300 is starting to border between satisfying and too much
500 is a little out there
1,000 is unsatisfactory
2,000 is toilet time