Tick tock my head falls off into a bowl of ****
the scars on my wrist look like such bliss
And I part the cap from the bottle faster then
moses did the red sea
The Lord hates blasphemy
and everyone that doesn't say please
Why don't I feel free
Why do I wanna bleed
Do you hate me
Why did you create me

Floating higher and higher into the clouds
Burning churches try to pull me back down
Gluttony is a sin
but every night I give in
Is this a hell that I live
Why do I give in
Who makes the rules on sin
Who said the devil never wins
Just the thought of the end makes me cringe
Until I load up another syringe

Slowly I awaken
I am hanging upside down in the center of a room
the floor and surrounding furniture is covered in plastic
karma catches us all
I was on my way to Vegas to start over
to fund my life change I started robbing mob safe houses along the way figured i'd be a new man before they caught me
I was wrong
The drugs wear off and I feel every blow all at once and pains ignites like a 4th of July ceremony all over making me cringe and yell out in agony
Just like that my screams of pain usher in this 6'8 Russian guy with a baseball bat
"no one can hear you" says the russian
"*******!' I scream defiantly
he walks over with the bat he hand lines up his swing and like barry bonds on a good day I feel that Louisville slugger shatter my ribs more then they already were sending me weeping in pain holding blood in my mouth
"no one is gonna come save you either gingerbread man"
his phone rings and his smile disappears he vanishes to the other room leaving me to my agony so close yet so far away
I was almost free
The Russian wall returns a few minutes later with the last face I could hope to see Vincent cauldron his friends called him Vinnie
His enemies usually didn't live long enough to call him anything
he came directly to me
"nothing personal kid you just ****** up" he said coldly
he pulls out a pistol and hits me in the temple with it
after he orders the Russian to cut me down I collapse on the floor and feel my insides fall apart while blood leaks from my face
"let me go" I yell with the last of my strength
"afraid not bud you stole too much to be forgiven"
Vinnie continues "but if you like i'll try to not enjoy it as much as the last time I had to do this" I feel all the hope leave my soul and I begin to accept my fate
This is it  the end of the show
I begin to turn cold and daze off only to reawaken to the sound of a buzz saw at once I begin screaming with everything I had left
My voice was wasted no one was around to save me and I was about to die shortly
before I can finish my thought I feel a butcher knife skate across my throat with ease
I stop screaming
I collapse back on the ground and let myself bleed out vinnie and the Russian set fire to the room and leave me to die alone
"maybe in the next life you won't be such a **** up" Vinnie tells me before he leaves
As the fire gets closer and my blood soaks the plastic I think about every path not taken and the lovers you left behind
Nothing Matters
In my last moments I smile because **** it
who wants to live forever
FIN

what is life
It's cancer
that's it that's all
Cancer the killer of us all
it kills with one motive
**** us all
from black and white
Jews and gentiles alike
Cancer rips our species apart
like a thief in the night
Tearing families to shreds
the cure not found
gods genocidal wrath
millions in the grave
Contained not cured
Cancer
The consequence for poisoning the earth

Last night I had a dream that I made it to heaven
But when I awoke I was still in hell
Heaven is the dream
Hell is the reality
So then does our dream turn into our reality once humanity touches it
Dreams are the frail hope to keep us going make us feel alive
Reality is the aftermath the problems that come with our dream that never cross our mind
Humanity synonym is destruction because we crave for our self not others because were all so blind

I had a dream once Like a parasite hope drilled into me infecting everything I did my dreams held my head high the self doubt in myself my worst enemy sadness  beheaded me before I had a foundation for the life I envisioned for myself broken and hopeless drinking and smoking my favorite coping methods for the void inside when I awake I pray for a heart attack to take me from the suffering burrowed inside of me knowing my passion and dreams have long since died solace in knowing we all die and nothing truly matters anyway we paint our lives to the point were destroyed when it all falls apart there are millions of stars lighting up the sky but only 88 constellations the dream is dead and hope is a lie

Cut a knife against the sky and it all falls down
climb the tallest tree at some point you gotta climb down
Stay awake all night some time your gonna pass out
and as it all falls down that's when we rise up
for when we fall we learn the bottom wasn't that far down at all

Graceful as the butterfly moves as piercing as the hornets nest strikes
she took to the pole
body shaped like a satellite  connected straight to the soul glowing only ever brighter with each step  
with every maneuver you can see years of dedication
every different song brings a new mirage
as she dances you can't help but become in a trance
at the heavenly sight of a confident woman empowered by the love she has for herself
Like a thief in the night she could take your breath away in a blink of an eye
the world is a stage and the pole was her  megaphone
Her message was clearer  then your reflection on the lake while the sun rises

She begged me to stay as I headed toward the door
But the longer I lingered the more painful it would be to leave
She was the type of girl to be sweet and give you kisses before you left for work she'd pack you a lunch so you didn't have to stress it

However as I closed the door behind me I reflected not on her flaws but my own as the meaning for my sudden departure
she would give up her life just to keep me happy
I would drain her life force and wither her away with my lack of drive to do anything but smoke **** and laugh at simple things
So you see she was a beautiful butterfly waiting to bloom in her chrysalis
I just couldn't do it be the reason she never got to bloom only able to provide cold winters when in summer she shines like the sun and kisses bring you tastes of heaven

AS I headed to my car I turned back to see her standing there tears streaming down her face her heart shattered
I was the bull in the china shop the cause of her current sadness
Better for her to cry now then to stare at me with disappointment in her eyes knowing  she picked a child of a man unable to give her what she truly deserves

Shes on track to be a college grad and I'm just living working a dead end job to pay rent no drive or motivation I feel like the **** of the earth a man full of potential but no drive to match self destructive behavior is always on the craving  addicted to soul searching but to myself I feel empty

I'm getting in my car to drive myself home alcohol and alone time are on my dinner plate
I get to my car only to feel the vice grip of a crying lover squeezing me begging me not to go and throw this away
She bury her head in my back and I can feel the tears soaking my t shirt covering me like hooks to make me rethink my decision
My keys are in my hand but I can't leave
Love is only a feeling and its got me feeling high and though every part of my brain is telling me to go just unlocking the door has become an obstacle So instead I turn and face her a squeeze her back the turtle shell around my emotions has finally cracked

the rain falls on my face and slowly I awaken its dark but the lightning unveils the raging sea in the distance. I drank too much again. When I have too much to drink I feel like god when he stared at the earth as it flooded powerful in the most violent angry way. I can feel the left side of my face swelling up making it hard to see out of my left eye. Everything was going fine til I saw you across the bar with him. The look I saw in your eyes taught me multiplication faster then any teacher ever could. One shot was replaced for two every twenty minutes. Before my mind catches up with my body I'm next to you saying an awkward hello sizing up your new man. The rage makes me white hot to the touch and my mouth shoots out sly remarks like machine guns.  The next thing I remember I was staring at the ceiling. I guess that's the cost of loving the daughter of the most powerful mob boss in Miami. You kiss me on the cheek and tell me you wish me the best and like that your leaving with him. I lay there motionless praying to a silent god that the void would absorb me and end my agony. However nothing happens I get up dust myself off and leave to avoid further embarrassment. Parked around back is my old excuse of a car 96 corolla. like an eye sore I spot my car I get in only to spot him again . This time I can hardly believe my eyes she's hitting him and screaming at him. I try to make out the words but they're to far away. The rages begins to stir away to a boiling point when he smacks her across the face.  like a bull seeing red I explode and like that I'm out of the car charging him yelling the drunken battle cry of anyone about to get knocked out on the by the beach. I charge like a lion and like a poacher he ready's himself. I feel my knuckles explode as my hand greets his cheek. He sends a deadly left hook at my ribs before falling to the ground. I continued to attack him til he stopped moving and the look in your eyes you gave me was pale white. Looking down at what was now a dead man I ***** everywhere and run away. I don't look back I run straight to my beat down apartment and prepare for the worse. Clockwork really before its six in the morning five guys with guns show up and break my door down. With a butcher knife in hand I run for the back door only to feel the crescendo of bullets entering my body. I fall to the ground and think about what you said.
"I'll never hurt you"

people enter our lives like snow in the winter
However as seasons change people tend to grow
closer together further apart
in every which way were all lonely souls
With broken hearts

I wonder if god sheds tears for all the cigarette butts in the ash trays at every bar seeing what he has crafted killing themselves to be able to relax I wonder if god sheds tears for all the bombs dropped and suicide notes does he spend his days in misery knowing he created us and our self destructive nature is that why he's abandoned us to hide away in his lonely heavens with his angels waiting on him as he withers away in self loathing does every sin of man cut like a razor against his wrist killing him slowly or does he laugh a sadistic laugh waiting for our time to run out and we all burn in hell

I dreamed of an abyss searing red scaring my flesh and choruses of screams like mine individually they tell of the wicked lives they lived together they tell a story of how we were ****** from the start i try not to scream i try to remain silent and unnoticed by the endless dismal barren pit the red now revealed to be flames increase and screams of pain agony and sorrow flood out uncontrollably tears evaporate as soon as they leave my eyes where am i what is this abyss is it my final resting place i hear a scream unlike all the rest not one of pain or self reflection but of shear pleasure i am in flames but my body goes ice cold i am in pain but can no longer scream what is this abyss from my mind it will not dismiss

wrap your arms around me
**** me slowly from the stench of your second hand sin
your kiss is the match that burned down the church
your embrace warm like the embers as the stain glass windows break and the structure collapses
Preach to me every sermon from your soul as we both drink too much alcohol and at 2a.m. the body of christ is a large fry  and well laugh til we cry keeping each other afloat at night drowning in the tears of failed exceptions
*** with you is like transcendence old motions feel anew
like fish out of water we bounce around waiting to breath but the breath never comes
we are faithful believers that the church is full of lies

I used to thirst for this
I used to lay awake at night never ending ideas on what I wanted to write
I used to have so much passion for this
I haven't written since October because any word I said would've been a lie
I've been in hibernation waiting for the passion and drive to return
But I feel as if I'm wasting my time
I used to speak to much now I talk to little
This winter has been harsh I feel like a dog in a kennel on the side of the road slowly freezing to death quiet because of lost  hope
I used to want this but this winters been harsh
not everyone made it
But the sun still shines
So I guess I better reevaluate my part
Taken before their time your memory forever in my heart and mind
The sun still shines and with is ends the hibernation of my mind

I am the boy that chased the butterfly off the end of the world
unafraid I jumped with all my might to grab the butterfly out of the sky
Just out of reach it continues to fly while I watch it fade as I plummet to the void below
I fall for what feels like days the blood all but filled inside my head pulls me further down with atom bomb like speed
I await my demise at the bottom and my eyes ard rolling to the back of my head
Like that  it clicks I see myself at baseball practice and in the next instance my lips tastes the bittersweet lipstick of my first kiss
I must be dead
the memories continues to past thru my brain as the feeling of falling fades
finally gasping for air I wake up on the ground
naked however unbothered
Standing on a crater staring at the stars
I start to cry and diamonds stream from my eyes into the everlasting sky
I watch the stars and wait for my time to reappear

I could preach to you and you to me about how there's a paradise awaiting you and me but it would only be lies the world is **** that can't be saved from just one human sacrifice and that complacency is holy and independence is the devil I don't know about you but I'll die a rebel

I approach the bridge as the cool California air gives me one last bitter sweet kiss I stare down at the ocean below the way people eye
the stars at night  
"soon" I tell my self as my mind races back to happy times
In that moment I almost walk away but the thought passes when I check my phone and the butterflies begin to build to the point my chest feels like its about to burst open
how did it come to this you with him and once again me all alone
the white hot flame of sadness has been ignited and raindrops erupt from my eyes
  I turn and look away from the water one last time and for a second i just watch all the cars drive by thinking about how many with spend their night arguing with a spouse or playing with their kids
I smile though I may not experience this myself the idea that I might brings a dismal smile to my face as I climb the railing of the bridge I smile big with tears sprinting down my cheeks  and with that I let go like a falcon about to ****** it's prey I fall racing to the blue concrete impact to shatter my bones

Good morning
how are you
what are you doing
6 months ago these text messages would've never sent torpedoes directly at my chest but now they **** me I know you've moved on but my hearts still remains begging for more of your attention so you can bring me more pain like a cracked out ****** with a clean smile your a 2 day vacation with a 6 week recovery

In the mist of a rainy fall morning the void has swallowed me whole again
tears stream down my face
My soul is bleeding and starving to death due to lack of faith
but a lonely demise awaits
I can't embrace my future while I'm still stuck in the past
self improvement is useless because I'll always be last
My smile is my headstone displaying happiness to the public while I continue to decay inside  out
lack of sleep
no will to eat
oh dear reaper
come sweep me off my feet
for I seek everlasting sleep

Imagine yourself before your first taste of heartache
Heart made of butterflies your brain feels as if it's on morphine
You never thought that it wouldn't work

Imagine the the pain you felt
The deepest cut that could ever come from a text messege
heart draining from failed loves knife wounds your brain is on overload

Imagine yourself today
Neglecting what could be your happily ever after
Your past experiences have made you into the executioner
Another Hopeless Romantic Turned hallow

most creativity while the world sleeps
the toll of pointless transactions with  dollar store people unraveling
in the solace of solitude while thoughts of pure bliss take over
like highlights in the grey sky you light up my world while I drift into the comforting night while the rest of the world is sleeping I'm sitting awake daydreaming about your smile bright and piercing as the sun
the penetrating sound of your laughter echoing in my mind soothing my soul awakening my third eye with each new line or draft I write thoughts of such bliss fuel my night
til the sun arises and I collapse to sleep

I think my greatest fear in this life is that i'll always end up alone
It's a shallow fear I can't control
what do you expect when all my self love has bled from my eyes
I've never been good enough facts don't lie
stuck in a slump ****** and quiet
I move like a monk in a riot failing to get thru
I'm not holding my breath but I can feel my face go blue
the thought of being alone cripples me at night
but like an iphone in an android house it's not easy to connect
Fear of Failure
Fear of Rejection
keep me in place for all time eating away at my brain decaying my mind
alone forever happiness never

win or lose
win or lose
my heart will still bruise
my actions say the opposite of my emotions
oops my stanzas are getting too true
putting my thoughts on paper only ever has me feeling blue
Til I hit the herb
my grandmother hates it but it's the only thing I always choose
win or lose
win or lose
I fumbled again trying to pick and choose

I'd sell my soul for one more call but this ******* cancer has stolen them all I prayed and pleaded but god did you hear me I've begged and cried but you just let them die how could you forsake such strong believers in their hour of need my loved ones lived a lie following your deceit how can I stand as a man knowing we all must die one day well I don't know I'm not an atheist I swear but why why does every time I need you to save someone your just never there

beneath the tattoos and smile on my face
I'm covered in bruises from the last time we talked
Deep down I'm just a sad soul trying to become the man I know I can be shattered deep down inside desperately trying to peace myself back together before we made the jump and you gave the key that unlocked my heart
However none of that matters now your gone and that vision of us I fear is disappearing into nothing more then distant memories
Though my heart feels heavy there is nothing more to say I guess only time will tell if were truly meant to be or meant to go our separate ways

the lake was set a blaze as the forest around it cried for salvation
The fire infecting each tree with cannibalistic like nature like a plague its continues to spread unchecked the howls and crackles from the horde of destruction defiant to the millions of post cards around the world of perfect places so would the blaze become known but for a warning not a smile even a small lighter can burn the world

I miss you
The way you paint words on my chest with a heart stealing smile
How your lips feed my spirit and your body feeds me bliss
I miss you
How you used to call me when you missed me and how passionate you kissed me
rest your feelings on me and let's get to know each other all over
let me rub your stomach under the covers let's get closer to each other
rub your fingers thru your hair no judgement only acceptance here
I miss you
I feel like your the mother of my seed but we never conceived
I miss you
like a warm spring rain your scent intoxicates me making me crave more
Like a harsh winter storm is the absence in between
I miss you
In the part where my soul is still pure

I drink too much
I smoke too much
say everything I don't mean
too afraid to let you know what I really think
I'll only show I care after you leave
with the stroke of the pen I'll paint you the thoughts in my head
take a big puff and think of everything I should've said
too late take a shot
laugh with the boys
smile though it's fake
Tomorrow will be the day

I sit up too fast and instantly fall back down. My head feels as if Mike Tyson snorted a whole kilo of Colombian sugar and used my face as a punching bag to pass the time. The dim light of the afternoon is shining thru my blinds. What have I done this time. The stench of cheap ***** holds to my breath like a wide receiver does a touchdown pass. I stumble to the back porch and light up a cigarette. The events of last night dances around my head like a marching band in the middle of a mine field. The phone breaks the silence and I quickly answer it
"hello may I ask whose calling?'
the other end was silent for a moment and only spoke a single word
"do you have my money Mr. Collins?"
Before the sentence was finished my heart was burying itself inside my stomach everything came rushing back all at once like a blast from a shotgun.
"I'm afraid you must have the wrong number" I somehow manage to spit out while I shake with fear. "ah yes I thought we might have to play this silly game Mr.Collins but I assure you it will not look pretty for you in the end." I hear a knock on the front door and before I can run away two men trap me on the porch. "yes sir" I reply. "so where is my money then" before I can answer one of the men sucker punches me on to the ground knocking all the fight out of me. The other guy picks up the phone and in a thick accent I barely make out "we have him and were searching the house well **** him if we don't find it." One hangs up the phone and grabs me while his partner begins to destroy anything of value in my home.
Everything started out good me and my wife had just bought a house. I was just recently promoted at my law firm. Then the news came breast cancer before we could even get her into chemo she was stage four. She was a fighter though we thought she was beating it around that time money was tight so I went to a loan shark for help. I poured every penny I had into saving her but eventually she just couldn't fight anymore. She died and with it when my soul. I stopped making payments, I stopped going to work. so here I am with three hired guns tearing my house apart til they realize there is no money. "Where is it you ******* *******!"  They begin to take turns punching and kicking me into submission. Until finally I look up at the .357 pointed at my temple and smile with glee. BANG

were so sacrilegious
with the tabs we take
were so sacrilegious
we wanna dance and play
WEre so sacrilegious
come and have a taste
take a tab transport to to the higher realms
Palm trees smile in the violet dance sunset
the fun's not done yet
WEre sacrilegious in all we do
Were gonna go to hell but I just can't stay away from you
tick tick tick

all alone staring at the moon
my brain is bleeding my eyes misleading
standing in the middle of the street my soul is consumed and washed in the blood of the moon
I sob oceans and dry the high tide from my eyes even though I haven't shed a tear
my head is cloudy but my thoughts are crystal clear enough to cut diamonds with just a glance
Passionate, Purposeful, determined
all things I was and all things I'm not
Lover,Dreamer,Jaded
used to be 2/3 now it's 1/3
nothing should be the same everything must change

Don't pray for my soul when I die
Only that there be few tears from my mothers eyes
A ****** of crows can I look like doves in the night
so why fear death having no knowledge  of the other side

Life is forever fleeting we spend it burning ourselves out to get further ahead only to get on top to wind up dead
That what doesn't  **** you  is impossible to love

I'm stuck here on earth and your no longer here
you had the biggest of hopes brightest of dreams but that still didn't save you 12-20-16
I've been down since you left
We were friends in school for a brief time
You stuck up for me so I'm in your debt for a life time
I cried hard when I heard the news
My friend died and I couldn't even come to the funeral
I'm shedding tears as I write this
few answers given to me about the purpose of life I'm just left feeling confused
I hope you found peace on the other side
hopefully I'll see you when it's my time

Lets just be honest and say what we are
Were lonely broken hearts telling ourselves everyday life gets better while it only gets worse
the closet I've come to church in 3 years has been brief pieces of heaven gone before morning
let's be honest were just going to catch feelings **** and delete each others numbers because that's the kind of hallow people we've become
starving for love yet never accepting it until it's too late
forever staring at heavy metal questioning to push the pedal and let the brain matter stain the ceiling
alas we'd never to much at stake to meet an untimely fate
how can you coexist to my hunger to be great
when my ambition is at stake
Every night I lay awake killing myself over what I can't change
I don't know how to love myself so asking me to love you is so foreign

come thru
we can dance with no light other then the stars and the moon
silky smooth  wine my hand on your thighs smiles galore hearts adore
I'm sorry I was a *****
It was just sarah I swear and we did when she was still wearing her underwear so that can't count can it
love is a game of chance they say I'm sorry I used the cheat code that made you runaway
Come thru
just don't stay away your presence feeds my soul and stops my minds war on it self I swear to god I should pray and get medicated how I could just get such a queen like a dollar store clown I could only make you frown unfaithful issues and vacant pocket motels
come thru
I'm feeling good and I miss the way your body felt on the hood of my car that night after the bar when we swore we could get far and kids thought they would get to exist
Come thru
Dancing in the rain trying like a pastor to heal your pain without a pill hard to do purely as friends too much *** appeal hit my confession box and I'll be sure to hit every spot bless and kiss appreciate what I don't wanna lose
so what can we do cuddle,****,fight ENOUGH
your upset that I can't say I do but if I say that I'd have to get my life on track

I've fallen in love faster than a man falling from one hundred and seventy stories
In a way I relate every time my heart has tried to grab the last step I slip and fall below into the abyss
I am the no hitter the strikeout king
every time love comes round they shut it down
life's a funny thing maybe one day she'll come around
I won't turn sour over what's not in my power
Instead water my soul and further my growth
Such a sad soul I've become as I grow old
tired I am of that tune in my gut
where it stabs you deep and makes your heart start to rot
I lay awake in a daze my eyes are black and red
With a big grin on my face I smile for once at the thought of change
champagne rains down from the heavens as I slip out of conscious
life is but a lion testing to you tame it

To tired to sleep
To heartbroken to weep
I could care less if I got gunned down in the street
I've lost all my hope
lord knows its toxic with the ways I cope
how did it become such a downward *****
used to smoke jays and laugh the day away
Now I smoke jays to make the hangover go away
my mental state varies day by day from drinking til I get sick
To smoking myself onto a crucifix
All my grey days now I'm sober thinking about how I'm doing nothing but getting older
the plan was to always be a soldier
the reality is I smoke **** go to work  wonder why I don't just hang myself progressing nowhere
So sick of myself I wanna rip out my hair
So much potential they say I had
Shame it's all been wasted just a **** up like his dad
A grunge song comes on the radio and I feel every cord build hands from my heart beat and strangled me
I let myself stop breathing even though nothings really happening
I listen to the song and drift into the empty space inside my head
Finally I gasp for air while the song begins to fade out
WASTED POTENTIAL

The scariest thing I've ever seen is a piece of blank paper sitting in front of me
It's presence haunting my thoughts in a way
will I write something good
what if it's terrible
However every time I find the words and the sentences that follow
usually in the early morning hours my mind tells me what to write
The inspiration as vivid and striking like a red dress on a summer afternoon
I can feel the heat starting to com bust as I rush to type every word before it's forgotten
the words written the title chosen now I wait and let the public be the judge