I know.. things do happen for  a reason and until now.. im still figuring out what these or those reasons could be. People come and go, yes but if I had the chance, I should’ve told you earlier to not enter my life if you will only leave me in the end. I’m not a computer rental shop to be used with a specific time limit.
I have feelings, I get hurt..all the time and whoever you are, the day you entered my life.. I was never that whole just so you know. I used to love you. Erase that. I still love you. . With every vein present in my heart. I was never that  perfect. You guys know that. But im trying my best just to be perfect for you. I’m trying hard just to make you happy.  I know that I’m mean but I’ll buy you ice cream in the middle of the night just because you’re sad. I’m not that showy. I’m serious but the day you entered my life, there are things I do that my parent’s never imagined that I could.
You’re special. It’s obvious. I talk about you more often and I’m very proud to tell other people about you. I told myself that I was lucky that I met you and I will take care of you no matter what. You’re always that treasure I’m willing to keep.
But we all have flaws and they are times that our personalities just don’t mix.  I know.. I know.. The problem is me, always me.  I may be mean at times but when I started care , I could no longer know how to stop. Even if I may have hurt you a hundred times, I could still love you a thousand more. I may have pushed you away but I couldn’t afford to lose you.
  Are you tired? Or I’m that hard to love? I’m sorry. I just needed time for myself that’s why I always push people away. Sorry for hurting you. I didn’t mean to.  I just want you to know that every time we get  into a fight, I always sleep with tears in my pillow during the night. I love you but pushing you away is my chance of telling you “I need time. I’ll be back” But you never understood.. If you felt pain the moment I pushed you away, thank you but I felt twice of that and assuring myself that you would understand. That moment I thought of that was the moment I’ve proven it wrong. I was hoping for you to go back but you never did.
Maybe I was that hard to love for the people I used to love,  gave up on me. I told you that I’m willing to get hurt over and over again just so you won’t suppressed your feelings. I’m ready and willing to sacrifice even the smallest things that I like. I’ve always wanted the best for you but you took it the other way around.
Maybe I was that hard to understand.  Because if you did understand me, you wouldn’t have left. Did you know that I’m still blaming myself to things that have gone wrong?  I know what you felt, I know your point. Pushing and stuff but what I don’t get is.. It’s not that easy to give up on someone you really care about. But you did.
You know one of the saddest things in life is to read a heart-breaking message and you’ve realized that you’re too late to fix it. You just crawl up to your bed and pretend that you’re asleep while having those silent sobs.
Could I be numb for the rest of my life? I don’t want to feel anymore.  I don’t want to feel pain, I don’t want regrets, don’t want any disappointments.  It hurts to remember that the” things we do” turned out to “things we used to”.
I used to be one of the happiest persons in the world but the world itself gave up on me and I find it hard to recognize the things I used to love.  Maybe they are destined to be memories, can be reminisce but could never happen again.  
You always think that giving up on me is always the best solution but you never  imagined that the consequence could affect me like.. ripping my entire shattered soul one piece at a time, a soul that was made by sleepless nights and broken hearts.
Maybe I’m tired of explaining.. feeling.. but when would I ever stop caring? I’ll get over this soon but I pity you. You gave up on me who could never have given up on you. I wish you the best even if it hurts me, letting you go. You chose to give up and I chose to respect that.
I was never the one who could waste your time with. I’m so messed up and could no longer love you without hurting you. I was never enough, was never perfect. I’m the one you could easily give up with. I can’t blame you. I ****.

At the end of every crying day, I’m still holding on to the belief that everything happens for a reason. Even I wish things didn’t happen the same way they are now.

XL

Its not you
Its me
That was cliche
Don't you agree?

It hurts me more
that I caused you pain
by rejecting everything you do
You've got nothing to gain

I don't like you
Not the way you do
So walk away
What I say is true

I don't want to upset you
You have to understand
This is better than false hope
I know this isn't what you have planned

I am not the one for you
We are not meant to be
Don't make this difficult
Just stop fighting for me

Stop trying to convince me
I don't feel the same way
Just let me go
We aren't close friends anyway

Please stop
You're hurting yourself more
Its all wishful thinking
I'm not the person you should adore

I'm sorry
That's all I can say
I'm sorry
That it has to end this way

I was crying in the dark,
Trying not to fall apart,
And where were you?
I needed your arms,
Keep me safe and warm,
But where were you?
You said you'd never go,
But you left me all alone,
And where were you?
Wrists and thighs bleeding,
My heart stopped beating,
But where were you?
I tried calling out,
But no one was around,
Cause where were you?