Growing up
We’re told that
We should
Watch our drinks at parties
Not go out alone
Carry pepper spray
Don’t talk to strangers on the street

But no one ever warns you
About the boy with the brown eyes
Who tells you
“You’re pretty”
Who takes you on your first
Real dates

No one warns you
About the boys
Who try to impress you
The ones
Who steal your heart
And make it flutter

Those are the boys
Who you should be careful about
They know their intentions
As well as you do

I don’t remember much
About that night
It was filled with cheap alcohol
And the smell of the fire

I do remember
Telling you "No":
That no matter how much I drank
I didn’t want
What came
Later that night

I woke up the next morning
Feeling regret and blaming myself
I cried to my friends
As I did my makeup in front of the mirror

You took something from me
That I can never get back
But I didn’t talk about it
For quite some time
Because I thought
It was my fault

But as I grew
I realized
What you actually did

Now I do not blame myself
I only blame you

Being with you
Was a trance
Your presence felt electric
Our relationship;
A dance floor
We would twist and turn
Gliding our feet
Me trying to mirror
Your every move
But I could never keep up
My steps were always
One beat off
Never matching
The ones you took
Soon enough, I feel behind

I feel like I am walking on a tightrope
Gently balancing myself
On the thin line
Between trying too hard
And letting go
I sway to one side
More often than the other
And I am finding it difficult
To regain my balance

You bit my bottom lip
When we kissed
And you drove me wild

I can’t decipher
If it was the pain
Or pleasure
That got to me

Whatever it was
I never want you to stop

You told me that you didn’t want to hurt anyone
That you don’t want a relationship
Because your life is constantly changing

And though you didn’t want to hurt anyone
With your constant unknowns
It hurts me to think
That you don’t know me well enough
To know that I am someone
Who will walk in to the unknown with you

Have you ever thought
That someone who cares enough
Would be willing to change with you

Commitment is not something
I have found easy
The thought horrifies me
To the very core
I spent my life
Avoiding and pushing
The thought of forever away

Yet,
I don’t feel that way
When I think about you
With you,
Forever does not seem
To be enough

I am never sure of anything
I am terrible at making choices
I second guess almost everything

But I never second guessed loving you