I'd rather be your fantasy because it's so much better than me.

black spaces
crawling across the palms
of my hands
i reach into the sink and try to scrub
them off
but tattoos can only be covered
by makeup
ink drips out off of my tongue
i cover my mouth
but it seeps through my fingers and
out onto your heart
burning away the veins and muscles
of your loved ones
poison in your vessels instead of
blood
i'm sorry,
i thought i was helping you
my ***** palms reach out to keep
you standing but you fell to
the ground
its like every time i try to hold you
up
you fall deeper into the salty
oceans of tears and waves of
sorrow
swallowing you up
my boat isn't strong enough
and it crushes you
every single time
i let my hand out and
open my mouth
the lies escape
along with the happiness
that never bloomed
maybe it's my fault
that you were desperate for help
in the first place.

colors that seem to define us
filled with black holes of ignorance
the bullets racing to meet one another
only to shutter twice
and cackle as ours collide
mine flood out
tears of black ****** salt
fog covering up my vision
waiting for the storms to clear
and as soon as the sun returns the warmth to my face
your eyes have disappeared

You're my storm cloud disguised as sunshine
but your masquerade never stops the rain.
Laughs like lightning flashing across your face
sharp and dangerous, followed by the thunder of
my ignorance, cluing you in on how far your lies
stretch into my desperation to be wanted.

Lightning.
Thunder.
Oh I never thought
I was that funny
Your electric strings
Pull the punch lines out of my mouth.
Thunder.
The lightning's best friend.

Thunder.
You must really like me
You must have told your friends about me too.
Because that cackles coming out of their
throats when I tell a joke sound just like
the storm, the zigzags of fire that tear through the clouds.
telling me how funny I am, how much they love having me around.
How you need me.
Time for my response… its my job right?
Thunder.

Thunder.

Why is it now that the way you curl your lips
when I make my jokes
looking
less
and less
like a smile?
Your friends know that shape
and they know how to make their lips look the same way.
Is it some contagious thing that they all have, and disease
passed around the room every time that lightning escapes.
But they all think I am funny
It must just be a friend thing…
I should learn how to do it too.
Thunder.

Thunder.

Streaming pixels
Blurry faces of “friends”
it must have been a mistake
The love me
next time,
I’ll make sure to clear it up with them
why wouldn't they want me to attend?
Thunder.

Thunder.


Glances like knives
Darting through the air like flies
and infestation of insects that
carry messages that
I don’t understand.
But they do.
Like a major league team
catch after catch
never missing those eyes that
seem a little bit darker
and a little bit colder.
Passing the ball around the bases
returning the favor.
Why can’t I grip ball that seems to bind
them all together
leaving trails of
text messages
and parties
that I was not invited to
this ball that seems to always
keep me on the outfield.
And how come everytime that ball goes
around
and
around….
its feels like
a punch to the stomach
never ceasing to knock me
down
and
leave me
breathless.


This must be what friendship feels like…
Thunder.


Is it?
because I look around
these hallways
where I always walk to fast
trying to keep up
yet I am always
one
step
behind.
I see that
these other girls
walk in straight lines
arms joined so that no one
falls
too
far behind
yet I’m always walking in
dizzy circles
wondering when they will
turn around to see if I am
still following,
still standing,
still funny.

Thunder, the lightning's best friend…
but that is never who I was to you.