I feel like I am being pushed away by those I want to be near the most. Slowly but surely. No one really needs me. They don't want me. Their lives won't be any different when I am no longer in them. I will be just that girl who used to bother them. I am just a side note. An afterthought.  I am meant to be alone.

I never learned to hold back. When I fall for someone I want them to know all of me, the good, the bad, the downright ugly. Constantly, I am forced to withdraw, my soldiers told to retreat back into their forts, cease fire.

You told me you had feelings for me, my heart leapt at the chance to finally be open, to be free to fight a valiant battle. But then, as quickly as the battle progressed, it stopped, there was a lull.

You told me sorry, that maybe we should stop, that you don't see a future with me. That I should shut off my feelings. That we should be friends. You wonder why I can't just pretend like your lips never crashed against mine. Like our bodies never crashed together passionately like bombs exploding with every collision.

You make me feel like I am being unreasonable. You liked it better when I was understanding. When my feelings were unclear. But my dear, you were the one that fired the first shot when you decided to crash your lips against mine. When you decided again and again that, although you were unsure, to keep firing. To keep crashing into me.

Yet, you will wonder why I stopped. You will wonder when the smoke finally clears, why I stopped fighting for you.

I feel like I have been knocking on doors that don't want to be answered but are openned anyway because maybe people want to be polite, or they are curious as to why anyone is trying at all. I am an unwanted house guest that stays for tea once in awhile who, if lucky, gets invited back two or three times before the invitations stop coming, the door goes back to being unanswered.

I hope that one day I will knock on a door that wants to be answered. That this person will say, "Come in. Stay awhile."

I remember what you told me about her after you broke up. All these terrible things. How she was crazy.  I wonder if you say things like that about me now.

Don't look back, do not turn around, keep going. Walk. Forward. You can do this. You don't need him. You don't need that anymore. Think about the heartache. The panic. Save yourself. You deserve to be happy. You deserve so much more. You are not doing anything wrong by trying to be happy without him.  Just keep telling yourself these things so each day gets a little easier. One day you won't be sad when you think of him. One day you won't think of him at all.

Today I am exhausted physically also mentally, and my toes are cold. What I wouldn't do to entangle my body with yours. You are safe. You are warm. You are starting to become like home.

It was the first time I saw you in years, so much had happened in the time we took away from each other. You and I became different people almost entirely. Yet, even with that, you still took me in your arms and kissed my forehead just like you used too. I inhaled your peaceful air and breathed easy for the first time in a very long time.

I felt safe.