Losing someone you love is something that you will never get over
Having to create a new normal
Get used to their body's not being here, but being six feet under
How is the weather so beautiful during the services, but my head is filled with depression?
The world looks so beautiful and full of opportunity, but looks is just an illusion.
The world feels empty now, my heart feels like a piece of it has just disappeared.
And I am now laughing at there being opportunities, because there are no more opportunities for the one under the ground.

I used to be the person that will always be there for someone, no matter how bad or disrespectful they treated me
I used to be the person who would give in and beg for that person to not be mad at me anymore even though I did nothing wrong: just so they can be nice to me again
But growing up, I realized enough is enough
Why am I letting them disrespect me? Doing this, I was disrespecting myself.
No more.
My confidence grew like Jack's beanstalk growing and touching the sky.
No more will anybody try to walk all over me because I will no longer be a doormat. I will be the door, open for the right people and close on the wrong people.
Fighting back with people who try to take advantage and speaking my voice never felt so good.
I become angry at myself that I used to be weak,
but to become strong, I must start from somewhere.
Strong will I be for the rest of my life.

There is something so freeing about expressing your feelings
Breaking that bottle that you bottled up
Letting it explode in all the right places
Sharing your story in all the right places
Showing how you have grown in all the right places
For some people, it is drawing and painting
For some people, it is writing poetry or stories
For some people, it is simply talking to a trust person
Everyone goes into all the right places
That is, if they choose to.

When our mind is set in one way, it is easier to live our life.
When our mind is seeing two opposite things, it is draining and difficult.
When anorexia consumed me, it was easy: don't eat.
When my family made me get help, I started seeing another side.
"It is okay to eat".
When your mind is telling you two extreme opposites, it is emotionally and physically draining, makes me tired physically and mentally.
The emotional battle.
The heaviest thing would be the fork to my mouth, to finish the long difficult stride from the fork to my mouth, or to hide the food in my pockets so my family thinks I ate it.
Give in to my stomach roaring like a lion and tame the lion, or to ignore it like how I have usually done and feel myself getting skinnier to give in to the demons.
It was more distinct and different than: night and day, black and white, fire and water.
I was having a civil war with myself,
Constant battling and war in my head
"Eat" or "Don't Eat"
This was much harder than having only one thought in my mind.

My best friend's nickname is Ana.
No one can see her, but only I can feel her, everybody can see her in me.
I take it as a compliment because I am winning.
But everyone who says they love and care for me sees it as me losing and need help.
But I am winning and don't need help, winning at being the skinniest, winning at eating no calories. Winning at seeing and feeling the bones spike through my body. Doing all of this with the help of my best friend Ana. Shes all I need.
Why does everyone say I am losing, when I am winning?

Your life doesn't seem different because it is small subtle changes happening all the time that we adjust to
Sometimes it will never hit us how much our lives has changed
Sometimes it will hit us randomly or when we lose something drastic that we thought we will never lose.
I remember when I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up and taking the freeways to work at my dream job, able to wear makeup every day and dress professionally, being taken seriously but also living a fun adult life
One day when I was on the freeway going to work, it all hit me:
I am the adult woman that my little girl self always wanted to be.

The most independent, amazing, freeing realization is when you were drunk last night and no boys who have been breaking your heart crossed your mind.