He keeps trying to convince me that he will change
Can't teach an old dog new tricks
He keeps telling me he loves me
But how can I survive off of a what if?
We have no trust so we have nothing
I am not afraid to start over
It's been four years no ring, no commitment
And I was really stupid I have to admit
Because he was a rebound and  i let myself get serious
Now I'm much more upset because we have two kids

I'm chasing what kills me

Last night I broke two promises
One I've kept for almost two years
And one I've kept since last january
I said I'd never cut to die again
I said I'd never see bone
But I didn't know cutting myself off
From feeding myself substances
Would make me crave my blood
And I don't know how Ill cope
With out my dope
I said I was going to get clean
And I didn't want to break that promise after just two days
You said its bad
But you've only seen the tip of the iceberg
I'm trying to play this off so you don't get stuck in this sticky web of addiction
I wear long sleeves so you don't see where the needle went in
I can't give you my money with out wiping off white powder
I'm trying to cope
But its so **** hard without my dope
I can already feel withdrawal
My body shakes
I scream out trying to not let my body collapse
Its new sorts of agony
I wish
I hadn't found this pain
I wish this hadn't become my life
I've been clean for not a whole day
I don't know that I can stay
This way
To cope
With out my dope
I have to break old promises
But I don't know what
I will become
When you ask me to keep blood
In my viens
Because other promises might
   have
     to
        be
           broken

Look me in my eyes
while we make love
even though I'm shy
I promise not to look away
stroke me like you're searching
kiss me while you try to find
whisper ***** things
get inside my mind
pin my arms up
cease scratching
draw circles
sign your name
I don't mind
just make it last
don't worry how much time has passed

i start rambling when you touch me
not because i am uncomfortable but because i like the way you handle me

demanding my lips
your hands on my hips

you telling me special things
things i dare not mention

i get weak when you smile
not just because i love it but because i know we are both too shy
to say what we really mean

i put my hands in your pockets and tilt my head but look away
so many ***** thoughts but i don't think i can say

i just want you forever this way
what ever is left unspoken unimportant the rest of our days

i want this now
let's both hold hands and fly away

I swear I want that fifth grade feeling again
am I asking too much?
all we used to do was giggle, pass notes, and share those shy touches
You rocked my world!
I can't even lie
but the way you had to leave me
no hugs
no good-byes
then over ten years later
I see you again and there was no surprise
it still felt like fifth grade when I looked you eye to eye
I couldn't even pull it in
all I could do was smile
thinking **** it's been too long
you still have to be mine
lost touch again for a while
came back around
we were both still so high
come to find we were now in relationships
but thought maybe we could just mess around
we got caught up
still text
but again we lost touch
now again we're back at it
just like the fifth grade
giggling, texting, and sharing grown up touches
I just want that fifth grade feeling
I just don't want to rush nothing

For now, I am ok
Just fine actually
But around midnight I get down, so blue
at the sight and thought of you
I miss you so much my words can't form, just tears
That night you died rings so loud in my ears
those cries, the shrills
I remember clutching my baby close to my chest as I tried to run down the stairs
no one home
my sight blinded by tears
I fell to the floor, still baby in arms
tears and more tears
weakness filled my heart
I keep blaming myself for not starting CPR
for watching you die beneath me on that floor
slow breaths
tears on pause
thinking to myself I know there is a God
he won't let this be
not here
not now
not here in front of me
He was screaming
my uncle I mean
I kept trying to reassure him but I knew he could see
her lifeless body
eyes wide shut
shoes still on her feet

It's been nearly 5 months now, in about a week
and still those are the only images I can see
Him being carried down the stairs
I've never seen him so weak
We don't even talk about it
too much but we're still grieving
I remember this Summer
at the table
he ate with her picture just so he could see her
I rushed inside and cried
those tears burst free
I couldn't even catch my breath
I'm nearly in tears now over her death
but my tears aren't able to reincarnate that life
these dry tears won't ever bring my mom back

Cheers!
with this empty glass I toast
to the empty past
filled with
tragedy
let downs and empty emotions
broken promises
bad decisions and mental brokenness

I toast to the truth of reality that has knocked me down and made a man out of me
yes, a man
buried beneath ******* and thighs that cover up flesh and lies that stuck to me

Let's toast to never forgetting the impossible truths
the reality of what is and shows proof