We all have wounds in our hearts that have been stitched up with loose, flaky sutures. At any given moment, someone may touch your wound and it can open up.
Our reaction is to recoil in pain and then lash out.
What would happen if we were able to have enough focus and self-control to think first before we react? We might not burn so many bridges, we might save marriages and friendships. We might be happier in the long run.
Wishing to **** the person who hurt us so deeply feels totally justifiable and appropriate in the moment, except once the emotions flatten, saying those hurtful things, acting that malicious way is only turned back on you and hurts you with the pangs of loss and regret. How we so wish we could undo it all and go back and do it right this time...
We must remember that we can react on the inside, but that we have the power to conduct our external actions in loving ways. We are humans. We will not be able to do this every time with grace, but we can do our best.
What propels our ability to be non-reactive is to acknowledge the incredible skill of putting yourself in the others' place and wondering what they're going through. What is she feeling? Why might he say those things? And then responding with compassion. Self-restraint coupled with empathy is the way we do this.
I believe most of us (like 95%) of humans of the Earth are truly doing the best we can with what we've learned in life and what concrete things we have to work with. The person who is selfish or violent may have had convoluted messages and abusive parents while growing up. Any one born into her situation would probably behave the same. But on the outside, when all we see is the selfishness and violence, we judge her. We gossip and say she's a bad person. But, if we really saw and experienced all of what she experienced, we might not be so quick to judge. In fact, we might reach out with loving arms and compassionate hearts. I believe people are good.
I greatly struggle with being reactive. I make sweeping assumptions, believe these assumptions, plan an attack and then attack head-on. I've lost over four close, wonderful friends this way. I've lost numerous relationships. I've almost lost family. It's time I grow up and learn some self-regulating skills. I am finally starting to see how I regularly sabotage my relationships. I'm like a bullet-train racing down the tracks and my collision is waiting for me every time. How does one reverse the direction of a bullet-train in motion? I do not know, but I feel it is my duty to figure that out and do it.
I think the first step is to think. I feel, I stop, I think, and I think some more, and THEN I take action. The trick is to STOP first so that there's time to think!
That's my personal therapy session for tonight. :-) Good night.