what is my promised pain?
from conception
to my first deception
i wondered what my promised pain was

is it as sweet and seductive
as a lovers first touch?
or is it as ****** and dull
as entangled flesh in a bush full of thorny rose crowns?
will my pain be promised from myself,
or someone else who takes my ground?

will our promised pain tell us who we are?
"mirror mirror on the wall, show me, define me"
we all yelled until our breath gave out,
our voices piercing the infinite heaven,
wishing for the mirror on the wall to show us as
the perfect chain
but the only thing that shows us who we are,
is the reality of pain,
our promised pain?

how will i know when i feel my promised pain?
emotional, physical, will i even know it hit me?
will i be on the ground, bawling, unable to be in touch with what is pain?
will i bleed, contort, and bruise?
how do i know when the promised pain that was gifted from me from conception,
will turn it's age old gears unto me?

who promised us this pain?
this pain, whether we deserve or don't
this pain, without a messiah in cloth to save us from
this pain, this pain, this promised pain
this pain, we can't describe
this pain, we were all bound to from birth
this pain, that only your touch may heal
but then again, our promised pain
is god or the devil's deal.

this pain, this vowed pain,
the pain of a demon's pitchfork,
an angel's sword of justice,
this promised pain, this pain of no mercy,
does it last forever, or just a second?
does it return, or leave forever?
what is this promised pain,
we were gifted with from birth?

my memory of your promised pain,
a pain i could not feel,
a pain as slow as the minutes ticking away on the clock,
for i've been watching your for a while,
since you walked into my life,
a monday morning, able to heal a pain.

a monday morning, filled with pain,
a stab of happiness,
a cut of despair,
i was much too shy,
to let my feelings show,
but you let them free,
and that was the beginning of possible promised pain.

at last, we can talk,
maybe in another way,
and at last, i love you,
it became too hard to say,
due to our promised pain,
if only i could say the words i feel.

tell me if you've had promised pain,
tell me what your feelings are,
tell me if you love me not
i have so much, i need to ask you,
but now that chance has gone, flee in the run of a rabbit,
when you reach your fading *****,
in my heart,
those promised memories stay,
glowing pride, your only smiling
through that promised pain.

You promised me you would take care of me like a precious baby
You promised me you would be there even when my cradle breaks
You promised me you would fix the pieces of my broken mental puzzles
You promised me you would wipe away my tears,
You promised me you will be my shell and shun away my fears,
You promised me there would always be days where I can smile without having to worry,
You promised me i'll never have to be alone,
You promised me and made me believe that there is always hope,
You promised to swim with me atleast once,
You promised to play that song with your guitar,
You promised me you'll buy me you'll buy me that strawberry cheese milkshake,
You promised me to get me that dress,
You promised me you will be the best for me,
You promised to not hurt me ever,
You promised me that I will be your one and only,
You promised me You'll always be my Guardian angel,
All i can say is you promised. With the ED behind every promise.
It's never going ** happen? I wish to know your promises do come true.
I'll wait as long as ever.

Because I loved you

Because you filtered away my doubts

Because you created a picture, a frame, and a decoration

Because you promised



Because whenever I see your name I want to scream

Because when I see your name I think of you

Because when I think of you, I think of it, that day

Because you promised



Because when I was down, you picked me up

Because your soul was in sync with mine

Because you brought out the best in me

Because you promised Because I loved you

Because you filtered away my doubts

Because you created a picture, a frame, and a decoration

Because you promised



Because whenever I see your name I want to scream

Because when I see your name I think of you

Because when I think of you, I think of it, that day

Because you promised



Because when I was down, you picked me up

Because your soul was in sync with mine

Because you brought out the best in me

Because you promised

Because when you said “forever” I tried not to believe it

Because when you said it, you were so confident

Because you told me I was your one and only

Because you promised



Because when you shattered my heart, I cried
Because I cried for days and days, my eyes grew tired
Because my eyes grew tired so did my mind
Because you promised

Because when someone promises, I expect them to let me down, and  
Because I was hoping you’d be different, I fell
Because when I fall, I fall hard
Because you promised

Because as I sunk deeper into your arms, I saw my future
Because I saw us at the altar, I saw us in the delivery room
Because I felt sure that you would be my always
Because you promised

Because 3 month and 9 days ago you let me go

Because when I begged for you to stay, you said “I don’t know what to say.”

Because you cried and I cried, I believed it wasn’t over

Because you promised



Because when you took our pictures down I felt empty  

Because I hadn’t taken mine down, mine are still up

Because you happened

Because you promised



Because I let myself fall for you

Because I let you take my heart into your two greedy hands

Because when you looked into my eyes, I believed

Because you promised



Because when you said I love you, I didn’t know it was  

Because you were saying goodbye

Because you were with her now

Because you promised



Because she was closer in proximity

Because 131 miles was too far for you

Because when you wanted ***, I wasn’t there

Because you promised



Because when I said forever, I meant it

Because you were my all

Because I was the fool who let you in

Because you promised



Because I dressed how you wanted

Because I did what you wanted

Because I was the “perfect girlfriend”

Because you promised



Because you were mine

Because I was yours

Because I thought we would be that 2%

Because you promised



Because you left me broken

Because you crushed my heart

Because I wished you well

Because I promised

Hidden behind me as it whispers in my ears;
"I can help you"
And I was so naive, falling for every move i was forced to do
When i was promised music, it didnt mean that it had to be depressing
When i was promised the light, it didnt mean for the sun to blind me
When i was promised love, it didnt mean that i stay in love with my sorrow
When i was promised justice, it didnt mean that i had to throw things in rage
When i was promised to feel calm, it didnt mean that i had to be loved by alcohol
When i was promised a friend, it didnt mean i had to shake hands with the devil
When i was promised loneliness, it didnt mean that i lock my own door
When i was promised dreams, it didnt mean that nightmares were supposed to appear
When i was promised honesty, it didnt mean that my tears had to drown me
When i was promised strength, it didnt mean for the knife to rub its face on my arm
When i was promised to change, it didnt mean that my innocence disappears;
and so when i was promised happiness, it didnt mean i was happy doing wrong

I made you a promise that I intend to keep
I promised to love you..
I promised to never let go..

I swore we would never really say goodbye
I promised no more lies..
I promised never to hurt you..

I know that I can hold onto this
I promised to care..
I promised I wouldn't leave..

I told you I can't live without you
I promised to comfort you..
I promised to hold you..

I want you by my side forever
I promised to be goofy..
I promised to be only myself..

I wish you were here right now
I promised to never change..
I promised you forever and always..

**and I promise no less than that.

There was always a “I promise.”

Since the first date,
I promised I would take you somewhere nice in homestead,
I promised that the ice cream shop would serve the best ice cream in town.

Since we became official,
I promised I would gas you up,

I promised that I would flex you of when ever given the chance.

Since I’ve met your dad,
I promised to take care of you,

I promised to never let anyone hurt you more than you dad could ever hurt me.
Since we graduated,
I promised that we would get a place together,
I promised that I would completely take care of you once we finished college.

When I asked you out,
I promised that I would never leave,
I promised that,
I would put in the extra work to make it work.

But when you left I realized.

You never promised.

You promised me a new dress
You gave me that dress

You promised me a cookie
You got me the cookie

You promised to take me to the park
You got around to it

You promised I could visit again soon
And I did the next year

You promised me there was a Santa Clause
And you tried to keep me believing

You promised me High School would be fun
Yeah that’s bull

You promised me you’d never let anyone hurt me
Yet I still got into fights

You promised you’d stay healthy
You lied

You promised me you’d live forever
And despite everything


You still died

A kingdom on the Nile
A man who called himself a god
Ruling over the people of the river
Enslaved we were in that Kingdom
By this man, Pharaoh, who called himself a god
Imprisoned by our chains
Enslaved by these whips and lashes
Enslaved by the sins of our fathers
Imprisoned by our own hearts

Our people flee from the rule of Pharaoh
Escaping the reach of his arm
We will follow Pharaoh no more
A way has been made
A way to the Promised Land
Through the Wilderness we fled
Out of the tyranny of Pharaoh’s reach
To our toil in the Wilderness we go
But with hope in the Promised Land

We will follow Pharaoh no more
A way has been made
A way to the Promised Land
We follow Moses
As he parts the roaring waters
Anyone can enter through the cleared path
Both righteous and unrighteousness can pass
Following Moses' lead
As he leads to the Promised Land

There is no shame in passing through the waters
For the love of God lies in the waters' part
By God, Moses parts the sea
Leading us to the Promised Land
A land filled with the Glory of God
Flowing endlessly with milk
Flowing sweetly with honey
In the land promised generations before
But Moses was a flawed savior

Moses could not lead us to this fertile land
But when we entered
We saw the great glory of the land promised
But we were still imprisoned
And we are still enslaved
Not by the toil of chains
Not by a man who called himself a god
But by our own iniquities
And by our own faults

Into exile we led ourselves
Enslaved by foreign nations
Betrayed by our own selves
Exiled into unknown lands
Exiled from the land of our fathers, the land promised
Awaiting reconciliation
Awaiting the Messiah promised
Chained by the faults of our humanity
Following the hearts of men

Then God on High came to Earth down low
To be that which He came to save
To save that which He became
Knowing the faults of our broken humanity
The Son of God became the mere son of a carpenter
Then He paid a hefty price for His bride
He laid down His life, and He and His bride became one
He married this ******* woman
And He sanctified her

For our sins, He died
For our faults, He gave His life
To give us living breath, He breathed His last
He died our death
Then resurrected us with Himself
To pay the price for His bride
A price none would ever pay for such a *****
But bought we are, with His blood
And in Him, we have new life

We will follow Pharaoh no more,
That man who called himself a god
A way has been made
By a man who is God
To the Promised Land we walk
A way has been made
In the Glory of God we'll live
There is no shame in coming to the cross
The love and blood of God was poured at the foot
A new Moses on the cross
Leading to the Promised Land
The arms of Moses stretched out upon the cross
Leading to the Promised Land
Where we will dwell for all time
For we have been delivered

See-Through Memories

Didn’t you notice?

I rented this apartment,
next to your favorite gelato spot,
Lavender Gelato or whatever it’s called…

Didn’t you notice?

I came back to Budapest,
just to see you,
and also to buy an apartment too…

Don’t you remember?

When I promised,
not to leave you and asked,
for the same promised and you promised too?

Don’t you remember?

When I offered,
you everything this world has to offer,
and all I asked for was a few moments?

I guess we all break our promises…

And now I’m left to watch the waves,
come and crach,
against the castle in the sands,
that we made with our grand plans,

you were going to draw the pictures,
and I was going to write the words,
we were going to create a book,
and share ourselves with the world,

you promised,
you promised you wouldn’t leave,
and that’s exactly what you did,
and love is blind and that’s why I didn’t see…

Can’t you see?

How alone I’ve become,
how all I really ask for,
is a friend to exist here when I feel all alone?

All alone.

A poet who’s words are his only home,
and I don’t know what to do to communicate with you,
so I left you alone retreated to my thoughts and wrote you this poem…

Dear Beloved,

I know there are no words,
that haven’t already been said,
and I know even if I write you everything,
there’s a good chance it won’t be read,

but I write to you anyways,
because that’s what loyalty will make one do,
even though we met spent some time and then you left,
quick and almost automatic like one two…

Where are you?

Where are you reading this from,
do you feel as outcasted as I do,
when you walk these streets in a run?

Hello,

I’m still here,
even though it feels like the world is ending,
and the future is completely unclear,

we’re on unstable ground,
and I’ve retreated to my addictions,
so I smoke a cigarette and think about you,
then I write it all down and call it fiction,

since when,
was it cool to lose all emotion,
I’d give anything just to see you feel,
something anything more than nothing,

no way,
anything I’m going to write or say,
will change your mind or make you feel differently,
hell I don’t even know if you’re going to read this,
but that’s okay because we all go away anyways eventually…

So I guess this is goodbye.

I guess this is some sort of farewell letter,
as I write from my apartment,
right next to that shop,
that one that sells gelato made of lavender…

Do you remember?

I rented this apartment,
next to your favorite gelato spot,
Lavender Gelato or whatever it’s called…

Didn’t you notice?

I came back to Budapest,
just to see you,
and also to buy an apartment too…

Don’t you remember?

When I promised,
not to leave you and asked,
for the same promised and you promised too?

Don’t you remember?

When I offered,
you everything this world has to offer,
and all I asked for was a few moments?

I guess we all break our promises…

And now we’re left just wasting time,
waiting for the rumored apocalypse,
doing whatever we think we’re supposed to do,
as existence existing in what we believe our existence is.

I’m sick of this.

Sick of this body and all it’s accompanying emotions,
I see why you feel better when you try and feel nothing,
because honestly constant musing can feel confusing,
so you’d rather just shut off completely from any feelings…

Hello,

I’m still here,
even though it feels like the world is ending,
and the future is completely unclear,

here,
I wrote you this love letter,
in a humble attempt to arise from within,
those feelings you hide that will help you feel better.

Please,

I’ve already accepted we will likely never see each other again,
all I’m asking is remember one thing,
true love is more rare that you think so no time for pretend,

I know,
believe me I’ve been through a lot,
I’ve hoped loved gained it all,
I’ve broke everything I’ve made and everything I’ve gained I’ve lost,

because you can’t take any of this with you,
the scales of time are not on our side,
nothing is balanced and no one is equal,
there’s no where to run there’s no where to hide,

remind,
me why I write,
these words to you you probably won’t even read them,
because you’d rather listen to their lies.

Why?

Why?

Why are you not here?

When a man asked me why I was in Budapest,
I said I came back for a girl,
and when he asked me,
“Well then where is she?”
I realized I’d been fooled,

by you.

I flew,
across the continent just to see you,
I rented a place next to your favorite gelato spot,
I offered myself without any walls in other words to be see-through.

See you,
have so much potential to achieve anything,
and you had a pretty good chance to have it all,
but now all you’ll have are the memories…

Don’t you remember?

When I promised,
not to leave you and asked,
for the same promised and you promised too?

Don’t you remember?

When I offered,
you everything this world has to offer,
and all I asked for was a few moments?

I guess we all break our promises…

∆ Aaron LA Lux ∆


03/09/16
Budapest